The Frumpy Fat Ass (_!_) Project

No, I'm Not Pregnant, Ya Jerk!

2009-12-20T15:31:00.008-06:00

It wasn't me--this time--that had to answer this question with a negative. Thank goodness my belly fat has never been poochie enough that anyone ever mistook me for anything but a plain ole porker. But yesterday, I was standing by helping one of the cashiers at Whole Foods bag groceries when it happened.

We'll call her Lynn. Lynn is another one of those girls who's face declares to the world that a true knockout lay buried beneath the fatty coating. But she, like so many of us silly 20s,30s and 40s-something would-be hotties has neglected her temple upkeep...very badly.

In short, she's fat.

At 275 pounds (which she admitted to me after this happened) she is technically "morbidly obese" and she's at the point where there is just too much extra poundage to "carry it well" anymore. Consequently, much of it has gathered around her waist and on her belly. So yesterday, you can feel her humiliation and hurt when a guest asked "When are you due?"

Gasping softly, I held my breath then as Lynn replied "Due for what?"

The inquisitive guest (aka nosy self-esteem shattering twit) looked a little less certain of herself, but opted to persist in her course. "When is your baby due?" she shrilled with a nod toward Lynn's belly for vindication. Her tone said "Like, DUH!"

I looked over as Lynn bowed her head for a moment to hide her eyes--which must have been brimming with shame, anger & hurt--from this tall, leggy & lovely thin blonde and her very handsome companion. Lynn's face was flushing pink fast.

Inside of me, a little sob threatened. I just felt her pain so acutely & wanted to stalk over and shake, slap and generally assault the ninny who just HAD to go there with Lynn.

Finally, Lynn, never looking back up at the girl, informed her she was not pregnant. Nosy Rosy said nothing more than "oh" and asked no further questions.

After the hottie and her boyfriend had left, Lynn went to the restroom for 15 minutes. You and I can probably divine what she was doing there.

Sad as it is, I want to look at this from a more hopeful standpoint.

Maybe this will be the final lash Lynn needs to commit to taking better care of herself. And maybe, once she gets started, taking just little steps at first, she'll keep turning her mind back to the memory of this moment and let it fan her fury to change. That's what I hope...for dear Lynn and for any other poor girl some jerk decides to inflict the same experience on.

Meanwhile, what have we learned? Never, never, never, never, ever ask a chick when she is due to deliver her child OR make any assumptions she is pregnant unless:

a) she tells you she is pregnant,
b) you receive an invitation to her baby shower, or
c) you are witnessing the child actually coming out of her womb.

Any other time and she may just be a bit of a chunky-dunk like me or Lynn and you risk seriously hurting her feelings and looking like a complete jerk.

Understood? Good. Now let's send some thoughts of encouragement and love to the Lynn's out there and wish them a swift escape from the prison of an unhealthy body. And if you're like me (the padded version of yourself) give some of that encouragement and love to yourself, too.

Go on. Give yourself a hug--right now--and say out loud, "I am a naughty & nice gorgeous lady, I love me & I am worth the effort to eat better & move more."

Kisses & hugs!

My "Ordinary" Heroines

2009-12-10T02:30:00.007-06:00

Hey, we all need other so-called "ordinary" people we can look to who have already achieved what we are in the midst of struggling to do for ourselves. They say "it can be done!"

Here are videos for two such heroes of my own from the Team Beachbody website. Carrie and Amber started their journeys weighing quite a bit more than I. Both of them have released over 100 POUNDS. Carrie (pictured here) is the best proof for me that I CAN be a size 4 again.

Sometimes, when I've been working out & saying no to seconds, but the scale - like today - goes back up a pound instead of down, I feel like screaming and giving up. Now, if the evil suggestion that "it's no use" crosses my mind again and tries to make me believe it is the truth, I'll just come here to my blog, watch Carrie or Amber's videos, and feel an enormous debt of gratitude to them both.

Then, I'll get back to pushing play & bringing it with renewed confidence.

So here are the videos of Carrie and Amber...where ever YOU may be in your mission to get back to skinny-dips, may they dazzle and inflame you as they do me.

A Bedroom Celebration

2009-12-03T17:33:00.006-06:00

Remember that article I shared with you in this post from www.LIVESTRONG.com about natural breast enhancement coming from push-ups?

If you recall, part of my goal to get fit has included working on my upper body strength until I could do 20 real push ups in a row (in other words, from my toes and not my knees). It took a long while but I have finally made it to 20 real push ups. I have also continued to do 20 additional push ups from my knees every day as described in the article purely in the hopes that I might help get my girls Moo and ChaCha in shape, too.

Well the jury is in, and last night I had the thrill of my life since I started this project (and I guess my hubby did, too). Let's just say, Aphrodite is alive and well in the Wallace bedroom again because I am feeling better about my body every day and my energy and libido are starting to catch on.

So last night I launched the attack myself when Anthony came to bed, and as we're getting frisky he says, like the randiest teenager, "Oh my God, baby, your breasts feel bigger!"

Now he knew NOTHING at all about this push-up thing. And honestly, I can't even be 100% sure that it IS the push-ups that has enhanced my chest. Part of it just may be simply that all the fat around my upper body (you know what I mean, that squishy flab all under your arms that hangs over the top of your bra like dough from a freshly opened can of biscuits?) is melting away...but my boobs - for once - are not disappearing with the rest.

I myself had noted this, and have recently stopped flinching when I caught my image in the mirror.

But whatever it may be, the smile on my face when I heard this was real enough and so were the happy little tears that broke out at the corner of my eyes. This may seem like such a small, silly thing to get emotional about, but this coming from him (along with other comments made throughout the night) mean everything to me.

It was too dark for Anthony to notice the smile or the tears; however, what he did notice was that his wife, for the first time in perhaps 3 years, had the confidence to request he allow her to be on top for a change.

Oh, boy! You could FEEL his smile in the dark!

Girls and boys, isn't this what getting fit and healthy is all about?

Quality of Life.

I don't mean just heaven-transporting sex. When we finally commit to loving ourselves enough to accept that what we choose to put in our mouths and how we choose to move our bodies is TOO DAMN IMPORTANT NOT TO THINK ABOUT AND PLAN FOR...we'll begin showing up again for our own life. You have to ask yourself...what have you been missing?

You Look Like Sisters

2009-11-29T17:23:00.011-06:00

Once upon a time (ie before I became the bloated babe I am today), when I heard this comment, people were comparing me to the likes of Tori Amos or Kate Winslet. In fact, I attended a Tori Amos concert when I was 19 and kept getting bombarded by other fans who mistook me for the artist we were all there to see.

Like she'd be walking around buying her own concert T-shirts! Get real.

Anyway, my boyfriend at the time was more flattered than I, let me tell you. He strutted around like a peacock with a golden goddess at his side the whole night.

About 3 years later, my own mother-in-law, noticing a pic of Tori Amos on my fridge, exclaimed over what a nice picture that was of me. Might they have a copy to display in their home? Ha! My in-laws were flabbergasted when I informed them that was in fact a picture of one of the most bad-ass piano rockstars in all creation...not me.

But thanks! And that was the last time.

Nowadays, no one compares me to ANYONE at all. It came to me that this was true when some of the people I work with at Whole Foods began to suggest that me and one of the cashiers "look like sisters."

(oh yeah, I quit Jason's Deli by the way and I'm now at Whole Foods...so much more in line with my personality and my goals.)

Anyways, it struck me that it had been ages since I had heard such a comment. And woe is me, how the objects of comparison have changed!

So what is this chick like they're comparing me to?

The only somewhat common features we share are red hair, light eyes, and yes - to my deep regret - a burgeoning backside. Oh, and we're both white. That's it! But even in these parallels we are so dissimilar, in my opinion.

First, her red is a most unnatural dyed red that goes not at all well with her tanned white skin. Secondly, thanks to my weight releasing efforts, I can say with confidence that she is much larger than I am, too, and she has an enormous chest. Finally, her eyes are a pale, flat ice blue and she wears gobs and gobs of makeup.

To me, I am still more alike in appearance to Tori Amos than I am to this coworker, who is the raunchiest sort of girl. So raunchy in fact, I believe that were she fit herself, she'd be a stripper for sure and would blend in nicely in that environment.

Perhaps this sounds harsh and catty, but you haven't met this chick...nor have you seen me when I'm in a healthy shape.

My eyes are a multi-colored blue-green with flecks of gold and a golden brown ring around the pupil (my grandmother called them fairy eyes). My hair is a much more natural-looking red gold that matches my translucent white skin like I was born with it (instead of picking up shade 764 from Revlon, as I do). My face is mostly round with a slight point at the chin and with very prominent blushing cheeks and full lips. For makeup I go with bareescentuals mineral makeup applied lightly. And you've heard me whine about how small my chest is.

All these features I STILL share with Tori Amos (with the exception of the hair as most times she goes for a less natural red dye herself). But what I lost and what she had the fortitude to maintain is my once gloriously fit and healthy body.

Because of this one thing NO ONE sees the rockstar goddess in me anymore. No one looks at me and thinks of Tori. Instead, they think of this gross, dull, tacky-ass chick I work with and say we "look like sisters."

We...LOOK...LIKE...SISTERS.

And while the resemblances between her and I are so far removed, and between Tori and I are still so close, I have to be honest with myself and admit that what people are truly noticing first...is my figure.

If this post sounds sort of bitter and angry...well, I am a little. But I will now shake off this insult to my efforts and the success I've achieved so far and keep moving on. I'm bringing sexy back, baby! It's time to TurboJam.

Can't Stop Touching Myself!

2009-11-20T22:13:00.005-06:00

Oh boy, it is so sad, but it seems I am just one of those women that can get NOTHING else done for MYSELF when I have a job! You know what I mean?

Since I started working again, I have come home, made sure the house was cleaned up and food was served, the cats were taken care of and the plants watered. After this I ache to do nothing more than head for bed.

Obviously, I've neglected my blog here. But I've also neglected my friends and myself. Thank goodness, I am still exercising and losing weight though!!!

In fact, I can't stop touching myself now.

What I mean is that my body is changing and slimming and smoothing out in such deliciously delightful ways...and beginning to feel so foreign to me...but like deja vu too...that I can't stop running my hands over my hips and thighs and stomach every time I hop in the shower or dress. It is like I am having to get reacquainted with a very old friend.

It just feels WEIRD, this healthy and sleeker new body, ya know what I mean? I AM LOVING IT! Coincidentally, so is Anthony who insists I save some strength for him almost every night now. Wow! For the first time in forever, I am cooking in the bedroom regularly.

But I have slacked a little more than I intended too in my eating and exercise routines. My day job is SO physically tiresome, especially for a FatAss who sat onher fatass at a desk job for 5 years.

A lot of days I just take a long walk for my daily exercise instead of TurboJamming. This must be why I am only down to 177 lbs now instead of where I should be which is about 168. But who the hell cares!

The weight IS releasing, and so what if I get to my 118 goal a little later than I could have. The point is...I AM getting there and I am NOT giving up.

Hope you won't either. Lots of love from your friend Louise.

The Project: Day 31 & 32

2009-09-18T19:33:00.004-05:00

It is amazing how much of one's life gets sucked away by even so little as a part time job!

Since I started working and then got sick, I haven't made the time to post anything more than these updates. None of my quirky brainfarts or candid observations. I promise that I am making note of things and have dozens of little roughdraft posts waiting for me to flesh them out.

I'll get those out as soon as I have my new work/fitness/wife/life routine ironed out. For now, here's the latest update on The Frumpy FatAss Project progress.

First, I'd like to begin with a HELL YESSSSSS GIRL!!! to my friend @thismomsguide for 17.6 lbs of weight released in a month with her weightwatchers plan (supplemented by motivational recorded playbacks of The Biggest Loser). Told ya that it didn't matter how much heavier you are when you get started, you just gotta get it going. And the more you have to lose--er, release--the faster it'll drop off, too.

Woohoo! You are the schiz-nit!

And I agree with Coach Jillian that I should switch to using the term of weight released rather than lost...because hell no I don't want these jiggly little bastard fat cells to find their way back to my rump! So RELEASE that weight people, send it away forever!

So how's it been since I got my energy back? Feelin' groovy...and slimmer! My new belt that I could only close on the first hole now closes on the third. That feels good. And I might have got my 2nd & 3rd compliments, but they might not count either...you decide.

Okay, so my very first from my hubby didn't count for the reasons listed here. My 2nd came from my Mom, who said my face looked slimmer, but this only after she saw the GoWearFit armband and I advised her what I was up to with it.

Automatic disqualification just because she's my Mom, right?

The 3rd compliment, I can't say I can really call an official one either. It came from an elderly gentleman customer at Jason's Deli. I said, "I can help the next person" during the lunch rush. He stepped forward and said, "I'm next and you're pretty."

So is that a real compliment? Should that be noted as the true first official recognition of my fitness efforts? I'm thinking not.

First of all, I don't like the word 'pretty' much. I feel it is most often used when someone isn't butt ugly but they aren't worth a second glance either. Its average-ness. And secondly, elderly dudes are always hitting on me because they like my red hair, pale-ass skin, and my rather gorgeous greenish-blue eyes.

I look like the fat, red-headed chick that the Pre-Raphaelite Dante Gabriel Rossetti and his ilk were always painting.

Pretty. Pretty chunky.

Moving on. I'll say I am STILL awaiting the 1st wonderful "oh my god you look amazing" compliment. So there.

Push-ups? FINALLY 20...on my knees. Now, I must work my way to 20 without the aid of my knees. You know...REAL push-ups?

Worked out on both days to the TurboJam "AbJam" and "TurboSculpt" because they are a little less intense aerobically after my week of sloth and sickness. Plus I need to build up some more lean muscle cuz that burns more fat, right?

Been wearing the GoWearFit armband every other day to give my arm a chance to breathe back there. But I now know pretty much how many calories I'll burn on an average workday vs. off days and adjust my food intake accordingly.

Oh, and found out I burn lots more calories during sex than the estimates provided on The Daily Plate (which I'm still faithfully using to track my calorie consumption).

Now, my hubby wants to wear the band next time and see if he burns more calories than I did (78 calories in 20 minutes)...thereby proving that he really does do all the work in the sack. Hope it feels good to be right, babe.

Men...always a competition!

Still listening to the I Love Exercising CD every single night and watching my Mind Movie twice daily and I must say I am pleased. Sleeping better, loving to move more, loving myself more (even between a size 16 and 14) and it seems like everything I want truly is coming my way...just like I knew it would when I started putting my body first.

That's it for the moment. Love you all and hope you're finding a way to BRING IT every day!

The Project: Day 29 & 30

2009-09-15T18:36:00.007-05:00

I'm back!

Sorry for the week-long hiatus. Turns out that the single bite of hubby's soup and sandwich I had got me sick as well. It really just hit me as soon as I had finished posting my last project update, too.

Felt real tired and weak so I went to bed without working out. Then, I started with the same diarrhea Anthony had and finally a fever. Thank goodness no vomiting for me though.

My fever broke at around 9pm on Day 30, but I stayed in bed and slept so I'd have strength for work. And I did make it through work, but with a total lack of enthusiasm whilst moving very slowly for everything.

What would have been days 31 - 35 of this project were spent weakly laying about. Went to bed at 7pm every night. Mind and body felt so completely spent.

On the bright side, I did weigh in and measure on Day 30 and I am delighted to find that I have lost 6 lbs and 7 inches in the last 30 days!!! This is 2 lbs less than my target of 2 lbs per week, but I am still satisfied to find that I am making good progress. Besides, I feel the next 30 days progress will be even better thanks to my GoWearFit Armband which I only got my hands on these last two weeks.

In fact, I can now slip on that 3rd and final pair of new size 14 pants I got a few weeks back, but I can only zip them whilst sucking it all in. So for now, they remain in the closet.

But that first pair, the size 18, is now getting so baggy around the smaller ski slopes of my ass as to look ridiculous. How annoying it is to have to keep 3 different pant sizes around all the time!

In light of my illness and recovery for days 31 - 35, I have decided to count today, Tuesday September 15th, as my official Day 31, and keep the project running forward from here. After all, it's my project and I invoke my female prerogative to make up rules as I go. So suck it if you'd consider this cheating!

Now that's decided, and I finally feel all my energy and well-being has rushed back in to my body, the project will go on. No harm done. Just 6 lbs obliterated!!!

Damn it felt SO GOOD to see the 180s again on that dreaded scale! 170s, lookout! This FatAss is wiggling your way!

The Project: Day 27 & 28

2009-09-08T16:19:00.008-05:00

Hubby got food poisoning on Monday morning from Jason's Deli (don't worry, not from the one I'm working at where neat-freakness is like the store religion).

I should have told him I don't think eating the muffaleta is wise because of the way it is partially prepared hours before you order it (unlike everything else except the soup). But again, I brushed aside my little flashes of intuition as mere paranoia, and let my poor Anthony take the fall for it. Why do I always ignore my premonitions and instincts when I KNOW by now just how right they always are?

So sorry I have not responded to all comments yet like I said I would. Perhaps I'm a liar AND a FatAss? Neah, I know myself better than that! Will get to it by Friday, I am sure.

Anthony's fever finally broke at around 9am this morning (Tuesday, Day 29) and he is eating again. Thank goodness for his strong immune system that made him purge EVERYTHING.

The very 1st time in almost 7 years I have witnessed him throwing up. It scared the hell out of me...little red spots formed all around his eyes. Had never seen them but my binge-drinking little brother said these happen to him when he barfs. Assures me they'll be gone in a few days.

So how did the Project hold out this time when more family drama came my way? Well, I fled to the pantry for my one-bite brownies...and they were no where to be found. Turns out my traitorous little brother had eaten the entire container in one sitting after a fight he had with his girlfriend.

Great! So he's an emotional eater, too?!

Sad to say, I got ugly and whiny as hell. Nuclear explosions at the Wallace household. After the first blasts of my finest harpy-like female fury, stormed off to Sonic for onion rings and a shake for solace.

When the dust finally settled at the end of Day 28, I had eaten 2000 calories and only burned 2581 (not the 1000 deficit target, but still okay). I had skipped working out and spent the whole day indoors, trying to persuade Anthony to drink water and broth and Gatorade. So I had binged...again. Yes, drama=goal undermining. Grr!

On the bright side--if one can call it that--I seem to burn more calories when I'm panicked and stressed out. If only it weren't for the pesky relationship between stress and strokes, I could have made this the perfect workout plan. Freaking out comes so naturally to me!

Day 27, on the other hand, was just peachy-keen. Ate 1597 calories but burned 2533. Completed the TurboJam "Ab Jam" and "TurboSculpt" workouts for muscle strengthening and building, but lower calorie burns.

Just two more days and I get to weigh in and bust out the tape measure to ascertain the first 30 day progress of The Frumpy FatAss Project. Will promise now not to sob or give up if the results from this first round are less than stellar.

ANY loss at all will be a win, right? But if I haven't dropped 8 lbs or more, I'll just chalk this first 30 days up as a tweaking period. After all, I got some of the best tools and ideas from my readers this month, and only just got the final and maybe most vital tool for my arsenal (the GoWearFit armband) less than a week ago.

This all sounds a little like defeatist-speak so I'm gonna stop it now. The first battle was the hardest and is almost over, but the war WILL wage on. Nothing can steal my beauty and health away from me ever again. I won't let that happen. Period.

Love you all and hope you've cultivated your own beauty today. You know you've got it. Just let that inner god or goddess out!

FatAss Review of GoWearFit Armband (aka BodyBugg)

2009-09-07T12:57:00.009-05:00

To get right to the point, I love my new armband from GoWearFit and would not wish to be parted from it for the remainder of this project. In fact, I believe success with this project--for me and my personal situation--depends on having the information I am getting from the BodyBugg.

Why? I had no clue just how few calories I was burning in my normal day-to-day activities. Let me clue you in: less than 1400 calories per 24hr period!

Now pair a 1400 average daily calorie burn with a 3200 average daily calorie consumption and what does that spell?

THE RECIPE FOR PERPETUAL PORTLINESS!!!

When I say 1400 calories, I am not talking about the sort of days I spend now trying to walk a lot and also get in a TurboJam workout. The 1400 or less calorie days were my days of the last 5 years when I held my desk job doing nothing but sleeping, gorging at office grazing parties, driving home, watching a movie and then sleeping again.

Holy cow! No wonder I became a cow!

This also means that even with a 1479 reduced calorie diet (or even a 1200) if I add in only a 300 calorie burn workout every other day, I am going to lose weight VERY slowly...or not at all. Talk about discouraging.

So for me, this BodyBugg was a real eye-opener and worth the $165 sticker price.

Now, I just upload the info on it mid-day after work, find out how much more I need to burn to reach my goal of at least a 1000 calorie deficit, and then set to work getting appropriately busy. Or else I skip the afternoon snack or have only some fruit for dinner.

I like how it counts my steps though this is not that important to me. Also, I like seeing how efficient my sleep is, though this is not too important to me either as resting has never been a challenge for me, I'm happy to report.

For me, it is definitely the calorie burn tracking that makes this so worthwhile. And I think I will go ahead and purchase the wristwatch, too, so I can get a quick idea of where I am at on calorie burn throughout the day without having to upload to a computer.

Oh, and after the second day, I hardly notice it on my arm anymore. But DO NOT wear it in water or for more than 23 hrs at a time! Water will destroy it and nonstop use will ruin your arm.

What I hate about the BodyBugg was getting the damn software installed. Turns out it worked better setting it up with Internet Explorer instead of Firefox.

Also, you'd think they made the armband with only skinny people in mind...not the fat people with Bye-Bye arms (or Bingo arms as my Twitter friend from the UK @LittleMissScoop says!) like mine who might actually be concerned about losing some of their extra padding. I didn't need to tighten it at all, but I did the first time (assuming it would be necessary) and only got a few spider veins on my oxygen starved upper arm for this silly idea.

Finally, their nutrition assessment system just plain sucks. They have next to none of the restaurant foods I like in their database, and adding your own nutrition data requires you write a whole Bible. Thank God you only need use it for the 3 day assessment and then you're done with that. I'll just keep using The Daily Plate to easily track my calorie consumption.

So is it worth it?

IF you have been on a reduced calorie diet AND exercising like me now or in the past, but not seeing much change on the scale (or even experiencing MORE weight gain), then YES, you might benefit from what you'll discover about your personal calorie burning averages.

Like now I know that I burn as many calories sitting at a computer or driving in the car as I do when I'm sleeping! No wonder I was having a harder time keeping weight off in past years...my metabolism has gone MIA on me.

So check out the video on their home page. If you think it is worth trying for yourself, you can use the promo code EMPDISCEEE for a 10% discount. That's the best code I found from an online search. If anyone's got a better one please share!

So GoWearFit has made it on the illustrious Frumpy FatAss Project's Tools List!

The Project: Day 25 & 26

2009-09-06T15:38:00.010-05:00

Two more days I can be proud of as a reformed FatAss. And I got my first compliment. Sort of. It doesn't really count though because it came from Anthony.

Thanks to the information I am gleaning from this new BodyBugg about my actual calorie burning power and from The Daily Plate about the rather shocking calorie counts found in the foods I love, it seems like the puzzle is complete. Fatty's got a big picture view of why and how she was able to pack on almost 80 pounds in 5 years...and why most of that came within the last 2 years.

I've written a complete and honest review of what I think so far about the GoWearFit armband (BodyBugg) and their online activity manager here. It is less than perfect, but I wouldn't give it up now, and I've explained why in this post.

Activity wise, for Days 25 & 26 I am kicking ass and taking names...at least kicking as high as my wobbly muscles will allow without protest, anyways.

On Day 25, I did the TurboJam FatBlaster workout again. And once again only needed to pause one time. Now, thanks to the BodyBugg I know for a fact that I burn at least 300 calories when I complete this 30 minute long (plus pauses) workout. Not too shabby.

On Day 26, I did not do TurboJam, but I did walk for 1.5 hours around the hood with my hubby. And when I say hood, I mean it.***PERSONAL RANT: This place we live in now--Eagle Crest Apartments--is getting pretty bad. Lots of break ins. Cops coming around all the time. Crappy music blasted from passing cars at all hours of the day & night. And I have personally witnessed 3 drug dealer transactions whilst walking about the block. So, I'll be all too pleased when we finally move to Washington.***

Anyway, I said I could feel my energy growing daily. Well, on Day 26 I experienced one of the more powerful and obvious proofs of this.

My mom is out of town visiting one of her many boyfriends, and so I'm checking in on her doggy, Rufus--a hyper male pit bull--everyday. He loves this arrangement because I spoil him terribly and scratch him real good on those hard to reach places on his back every time we meet.

Another thing I do is play fetch with him. In the past, I'd always just sit on the couch in the living room and throw the toy of the day into the dining room, kitchen or toward the front door. He retrieves it and as he runs back--I swear with a big smile on his face--I clap and say, "Oh, Rufus is such a good boy! What a smart doggy you are Rufus!" Or some other such nonsensical baby talk.

He likes it. And he seems like he could go on with this forever. It always wears me out.

This time, I started our fetch game sitting on the couch as usual. But as Rufus ran back the first time, I felt the urge to stand up and greet him. He was thrilled! I wrestled the toy from him and threw it again. He came bouncing back as I charged him. To his obvious delight, I struggled to pull the toy from his clamped mouth, bouncing all around him in circles until he relinquished.

Without even feeling the lapse of time, we carried on this way for about 30 minutes until HE gave up, panting like a--well, um--like a dog.

According to my BodyBugg, this was my highest calorie burning span of the day. And instead of feeling exhausted, after a 5 hour shift on a busy day at the restaurant, I felt even more energized!

Wonderful!!!

And this is also the night Anthony complimented me. I had my shirt off, getting ready for bed, and he came up for a hug. As he held me, he ran his hands down my back and practically shouted, "Hey, those folds in the middle of your back are gone!"

Yes, they are, so I know he's right, but I say his compliment doesn't count as my first because 1) he knows how hard I am working on this fitness project and since he is "in the know" he is too likely to flatter me as a sneaky form of encouragement (or so my female insanity hormones tell me), and 2) compliments from our husbands and boyfriends NEVER count because they never seem to say that we are anything but beautiful in their eyes anyway. Love--or our delicious feminine witchcraft--blinds them to our bulges. God bless them!

I thanked him and then got in bed. As I lay on my side, however, I made another discovery...my waist MUST be trimmer.
If you are a FatAss like myself, then you know what I mean when I say how you can lay on your side in bed, and the spot that should mark out the smooth dip of your waist is actually more like a series of fatty speedbumps, right? Well, my speedbumps are gone now, replaced by one very shallow valley where the diminishing fat around my waist creases slightly (what I called my equatorial line, you might recall).

So...looking good...feeling good...and eating pretty good, too. Foodwise, Days 25 & 26 were excellent as I burned 2000 calories and 1400 calories respectively more than I ate. Just wonder if it is bad to burn so many more calories? Does anyone know about that? If so, please tell me.

I'm certainly not starving myself. Just trying to eat the less calorie dense options like fruits & veggies...plus I've stopped drinking anything but water.

So other than the brief melancholy brought on by a shopping trip (which I'll have to write about), I am going into my Saturday & Sunday feeling good and thinking that I might even be looking good, too.

By the way, I am trying to respond to all comments left here on my blog, but now that I'm working, I'll be waiting til Mondays (my day off) or Tuesdays. I read every one and I am so grateful for the advice and encouragement. Also, so very very happy to hear of how my fellow FatAsses are taking charge of their own bodies or know what this feels like. Because you know what? Our quality of life must be so intricately woven in with the fitness of our bodies and health. I believe that now completely.

All of my love to you.

The Project: Day 23 & 24

2009-09-04T21:04:00.009-05:00

It's that time again! Wednesday & Thursday turned out only slightly less disciplined than Monday & Tuesday but I've got my really, really good excuses.

Um, yeah.

Okay, okay, there are NO truly good excuses for skipping a workout, but I did on Day 23.

Not going to apologize though & I don't feel too guilty either cuz I just picked right up again on Day 24 with the best execution of the TurboJam "FatBlaster" workout that I've done to date. Remember this is the workout with 8 "Turbos"...4 at a moderate pace and then the same 4 repeated at high intensity.

I was pausing after almost EVERY Turbo on this workout, panting and whining to my hubby that Chalene must want me dead. This time, however, I only paused ONE TIME, right after the first Turbo. Then, my energy finally seemed to start coming from my mind after all, just like Chalene says it does.

Well, now I finally believe her. So what happened on Day 23 that I opted to commit a fattie freedom foobar? Like I said, there really are no good excuses, but this was my 2nd day of work at Jason's Deli and my new employer was merciless!

Of course, I don't wish to disappoint them, so I worked like a slave for 5 hours. Consequently, my new boss said he wishes he had "5 more just like me." In my mind, I wondered if he'd order the skinnier cloned version of the Slave Louise model? Whatever.

Afterwards, I had a million things I needed to stop putting off or had to take care of: driving my little brother to work, finally getting my hubby's degree framed, getting a car charger for his iPhone like he'd asked, groceries, shower, then mountains of laundry (am I the only woman who finds herself to be the lone laundress in a house full of so-called grown ups?).

Anyway, I don't feel too bad about finally coming home and collapsing at 2am because I probably burned plenty of calories just gallivanting all over town.

Foodwise, I did better. Just over my limit on Day 23 & just under on Day 24.

Day 24 was made even more exciting & motivating for me with the first use of my new GoWearFit armband (aka bodybugg). But I'll write a more complete review this Sunday or Monday after I've had a little more time with it to make a judgment.

Speaking of making a judgment on another tool I'm using, I wanted to mention my brother Joseph's recent comment about the program from Think Right Now that I've forced him to use.

Don't know if I mentioned it, but when I ordered the I Love Exercising CD that I've used for this project, I also ordered a Real Self-Esteem Now CD, too (they had a buy 3 get 1 free deal so I also got the Eating for Excellent Health CD).

Obviously, having not a shred of self-esteem at the time, I had intended to use this for myself but opted to start with the Exercise CD first because I had come to the conclusion that just being better looking would solve most of my self-esteem hang-ups.

But my brother is a REAL MESS. While not obese like me, Joseph has too many issues to spell out here. The fact that at 26 he had not worked in a year, had been living with Mom, depending on hand-outs from his bitchy but employed girlfriend, and was now moving in with us basically says it all.

So I made one of the conditions for him to move in with us that he would have to listen to the Real Self Esteem Now CD every night he slept at our place. He grumbled and complained the first couple of nights, then he got a little worse for a day or two (which is supposed to be normal). But then he started changing in subtle small ways this past week.

He's wanting to eat healthier foods, save some of his money, he stopped skipping work, started showering daily. He even started exercising every day. His sense of humor returned and his anger stopped flaring up over every little thing.

That could have just been the effects of living with us as we only ever try to be encouraging and positive. Sometimes we fail, and he's always had a hair-trigger temper, but we're still a lot more reasonable than either Mom or his girlfriend.

Yesterday, however, he totally floored me when I was an hour late getting back from work...and he called me just to see if I was okay! He has NEVER called me--and I mean NEVER--unless he needed a favor. This means he was thinking about others.

Even crazier than that, when I drove him to work today, I was complaining about the 5 hour work day I had ahead of me, and he came back with, "yeah, but isn't it nice to kind of be on a schedule again and have something useful to do?"

Who the hell are you?! My father??? Clearly, this was an alien clone and not my formerly BEYOND LAZY brother.

But the brotherly doppelganger added, "I think this CD is starting to work for me. When Tiffany (his GF) gets all bitchy and jealous with me now, I just don't care. I don't even want to hear it."

"Oh, really?" I replied.

"Yeah. Like last night, I told her to call me back when she was done being a psycho-woman and she freaked. But I didn't get upset or hurt or anything."

Wow! God willing, the CD does really work, and this trend will continue. Then maybe, come June 21st, two lives will have been transformed with the help of these CDs.

Push ups? 19 and a half. Almost made it up again but just couldn't get that 20th. Maybe tomorrow. Wish me luck. First weigh in just 6 days away!

The Project: Day 21 & 22

2009-09-03T19:17:00.007-05:00

Soooo ready for bed but I wanna get this update posted before the next one is due tomorrow. It is amazing how much a mere 5 hours work at Jason's Deli each of the last three days has taken out of me! Turns out I am lazier than I remembered.

But overall, I am feeling pretty darn good and looking forward to my weigh in on Day 30.

Let's break down Days 21 & 22....

Exercise wise, I can self-righteously proclaim myself a model of fitness fanaticism. On Monday, I did the 45 minute long TurboJam Cardio Party 2 workout. That one is INSANE but I only paused for a couple minutes about 3 times.

There were parts, though, where I was so totally lacking in coordination and grace that I could do nothing more than march in place while Chalene combined 8 different moves in rapid succession. I absolutely hate her when she does that!

However, I did not let this discourage me or use it as an excuse to quit. Perfectionism is slowly fading away. I finished the workout. Nearly killed me, but I did it!

Tuesday, Day 22, I did the FatBlaster workout again...even after an exhausting first day at my new Jason's Deli job. Surprised by how well I have already managed to memorize most of the movements. My execution is still VERY, VERY flawed...but all in good time.

Toward the end, my legs are aching so much from the Turbos that I am forced to workout at a lower intensity. On the bright side, during Tuesday's workout I noticed that my back blubber no longer quakes when I bounce like a pan full of pudding!

As a matter of fact, that blasted fat fold in the center of my back all we fatties love to loathe is so diminished on me now, it no longer folds over completely when I'm standing up like it once did. That feels good, let me tell you.

My new pants are really starting to loosen up around the waist, too. Or else I've stretched them out. Hard one to call!

Foodwise, I did awesome, too, on both days. See! No drama = no pigging out.

Funny how that works.

Stayed just shy of my recommended 1479 calories. But I could not wait to get my GoWearFit armband and start using it to see if I am REALLY burning enough calories to lose 2 lbs per week. Today was my first day to use the armband but I'll write about that in my next Project update.

And finally, after three weeks of consistent use of the I Love Exercising CD & Mind Movies, I have no doubt that these two programs are completely remolding my mind. If they hadn't come with six month and lifetime refund guarantees I might have never tried these things, even as desperate as I had become. But now I feel I won't be asking for my money back...and can only imagine how much better things will continue to get for me.

Where else is all this coming from?....

daily increasing energy
no excuses attitude on getting exercise
respect for my body even as it is now
lack of concern for others thoughts about my body
frequent desire all of a sudden to take long walks
the way I instantly forgive myself if I do miss a workout or eat too many calories and just keep going
urge to keep from sitting around doing nothing (not even watching movies!)
and the laughter and fun I experienced during these last two workouts and some of the others (freaking WEIRD!)

None of the above behavior is anything like the normal pre-project Louise. Especially not the energy part or the part about not caring what others think about my body. When I started this project just three weeks ago, I was OBSESSED with what other people thought of my looks.

Practically every time someone looked at me and didn't give me that second glance, I almost cried imagining how they must be thinking what a fattie I am. And I was very lethargic. It took every ounce of will power and energy I had to do my daily workout.

But now I only occasionally think about the opinions of others, and then for just a second or two. No need to cry. And even with this very physically demanding job I took on after sitting on my ass for 7 months or so, I am coming home to work out and get EVERYTHING done around the house like I plan to.

However, I still can't fit into that 3rd pair of pants I bought and definitely not even in my old size 14. But it'll happen. Just gotta keep going with this thing. Most definitely still the chunky FatAss, but I'm finally starting to enjoy myself with this thing. Finally starting to believe I can truly reach the goal I've set...without any pills, powders or surgeries.

Mind power, exercise, and portion control might honestly turn out to be all I needed after all.

We'll see, won't we?

Push-ups? 19. Something looking remarkably like muscle is shyly emerging from my arms now. About damn time!

FatAss Is "Armed" With New Weapon in the War on Frump

2009-08-31T16:06:00.010-05:00

One of my bodacious blog readers from Twitter @ChristinaThomas (she's bodacious, my blog's just black & fat...check out her Blogger profile here but don't hate her cuz she's beautiful ;-P) suggested I try using the armband from www.GoWearFit.com (also called a Body Bug, I think) to help me track exactly how many calories I'm burning each day.

Checked out the video and other information on their site. Decided it could be a helpful supplement to my calorie consumption tracking at The Daily Plate. After all, what if I am burning way fewer calories than they suggest on their site?

This I need to know so as to meet my goal of 2 pounds of blubber bombed per week. Okay, okay. Who am I kidding? I wanna know if I can get away with eating a little more!

I promised that once I got a J-O-B I would buy the armband, and so I did. I got the package for $165 which doesn't include the wristwatch, but I think I can live without that for now. Also, I used the promo code of EMPDISCEEE to get an additional 10% off.

A good thing, too, cuz they gouged me on shipping. Plus, there is a $7 monthly charge to access the online account manager (which you need or the armband is pretty worthless).

If anyone knows a more beneficial $$$ promo code, please share and I'll pass it on here on the blog.

Just arrived today. For that reason, I cannot recommend it to any one else at the moment, having not had the opportunity to work with it yet myself. However, you know I'll keep you posted. If I love it, and feel it made a difference, I'll add it to my list of tools in the sidebar for everyone.

The Project: Day 19 & 20

2009-08-31T13:36:00.009-05:00

One additional benefit of plotting all of my eating and drinking habits on The Daily Plate is that I am finally able to pinpoint real patterns. These last two days made it clear that family stress and overeating--at least for me--go hand-in-hand. Plus, I also know exactly what it is I crave in these situations.

What happened on Saturday after I posted my last project update was this: I did go and TurboJam as hard as I could, but it was not enough to overcome the anxiety I felt from being with my mother- and father-in-law. They did interrupt me in the guest room to ask what on earth I was doing, to which I rather rudely--I'll admit it--replied, "what if Anthony and I had been screwing?!"

After all, they are so keen on getting grandkids out of us, you'd think they'd respect our privacy when we're alone behind ANY closed doors...even when it is their house.

Anyway, as you can imagine, this smart ass comment did not endear me any more to the Wallace's. Consequently, once I finished my work out and we rejoined them in the living room, they gave me the silent treatment.

At dinner--a very bland affair as Mr. Wallace has too poor a digestive system to allow his wife's enormous cooking talents full expression--Mrs. Wallace spoke endlessly of her daughter, Marie, and the child she is expecting which will be named Jack.

Perhaps it was just my bitter miscarriage wounds flaring up, but it seemed like this soon-to-be first time grandmother couldn't shut up about all the precautions little miss perfect Marie was taking to ensure her pregnancy carried to term.

It's silly, but I just stared at my plate and swallowed back the tears that threatened.

I've been married almost 6 years while Marie just got married last October and in less than a year she's got a house, a baby on the way, and has taken two fabulous vacations. I hate myself for being envious of her, especially since I know she's 35, a chainsmoker, drinks like a fish, has put on 30 pounds herself (pre-baby), is several hundred thousand dollars in debt, and is married to an ugly, bald, pot-bellied wimp.

Sigh.

Who can explain it? This is the behavior of a small-minded, insecure person. So I should stop it. It's just kind of hard when someone else manages to get everything you'd like for yourself--even though they went about it the wrong way. You sort of feel stupid, even though you know the only reason you don't have all the things you'd like yet is that you are trying to approach them in the smartest way possible.

Forgive me. I am still so weak, something I hope the successful completion of this project will help remedy...at least partially.

After dinner, I rushed off to Braums for a small chunky chocolate cheesecake milkshake...and ended up being 500 calories over my target of 1479.

The good news in all of this is that now I know to expect an urge to gorge when I am in stressful family situations AND I know I will crave chocolate. So what I have done now is stocked my pantry with some small one-bite brownies for these emergencies. Normally, I don't eat cookies, cakes, ice creams and other sweet junk (except tea). That's why at almost 28 I still have ZERO cavities.

But, now we know I WILL most assuredly want to choke down some chocolate sweet junk when the drama is on. These brownies are much lower in calories than chocolate ice cream and more filling.

Drove home on Day 20 and stayed under my calorie target for the day. We'll just consider Day 19 to have been my SINday instead. Did not workout, however, just cleaned up, unpacked, did laundry, showered and nagged my little brother.

Did have enough energy for my hubby yet again. Still in the dark (and still not confident enough to perform any of my thin fantasies) and this time very quietly as my little brother was in the other room.

Happy to say that I am definitely finding myself more energetic in general, and more comfortable with sharing my body with Anthony as often as I should. I credit the I Love Exercising CD for that because it has a couple of statements relating to feeling increasing energy and being comfortable in one's own skin. Felt strange sleeping without it Friday & Saturday night.

Push-ups? 18, though that last one is REAL HARD coming!

Had a deliriously happy little moment this morning when I ran my hands down my back and over my butt (putting on lotion) and felt less of a shelf and more of a slope attached where my cute little ghetto booty used to abide. Even with the occasional missed workout and pig-out pity parties I can feel that my body is responding--albeit grudgingly--to my efforts.

Shout out to my kick-butt friends on twitter @sueperfly27 @thismomsguide @nevisblack @baby_phfat @ChristinaThomas @LittleMissScoop and others there and on this blog for the blessings of your support, advice, kicks to the FatAss, and for having the courage to undertake your own projects. You have helped me more than you know.

Working this FatAss - With A J-O-B!

2009-08-30T23:50:00.004-05:00

That's right! I was wrong and the world is willing to hire a FatAss like me after all.

Nothing glorious but I got accepted for a job at Jason's Deli in Irving, Texas. 8 measly dollars per hour, too. Haven't made so little since I was a teenager! But I have put in dozens of applications elsewhere since I got laid off in January with no offers...so this will have to do, for now. On the bright side, this'll have my ass moving a whole lot more.

And let's get real, I LOVE eating at Jason's Deli...now I can do it for free! My wobbly bits are all aquiver over this perk.

Very timely, too. My husband was starting to get a bit antsy, what with our savings being almost depleted, but especially in light of the two awesome & exciting events coming up for us now in the next year. I'll write about those in my next post. Let's just say I am thrilled to death and it doesn't matter where I work.

In fact, the whole purpose of my employment here is to build our savings back up to $5000. What do we plan to do once we hit our mark? Tell you laters! (And I'm looking forward to your advice.)

The Project: Day 17 & 18

2009-08-29T20:10:00.006-05:00

Alrighty, must make it a quicker update for the last two days as I am so unfortunate as to find myself sitting in my in-laws' living room in Oklahoma today.

Don't want them to get wind of what I'm doing. After all, they'd be disappointed to know that one of their favorite reasons for looking down on, feeling sorry for me, & for nagging me in general is on its last legs.

But these people deserve their own post, so let's get back to the update.

Push-ups? 17! Still on my knees. Shooting for a complete set of 20 on my knees and then I'll aim for a set of 20 WITHOUT the use of my knees.

Thank goodness my family decided to stop acting like nincompoops for these 2 days. I have enjoyed a renewed peace and focus.

However, my left knee was killing me! Might have been a little too zealous in my TurboJam bouncing. Whatever the case, I decided to just do REALLY long walks on Thursday & Friday to avoid straining my knee further. Did you know that walking only 2 miles per hour burns 220 calories every hour? Good news for me!

Then, my handsome hubby cleverly supplemented these hour long neighborhood tramps with some nookie, so I got that exercise in, too. ;-)

Yes, still in the dark...but with a lot more energy on my part than usual.

As far as my eating habits, being no longer threatened with frantic family dramatics, I was better able to refrain from gorging on everything in sight and stayed under my 1479 calorie allowance for both days...but just barely! After all, I still LOVE food...whether I've got an "excuse" to eat or not is of little importance.

I've discovered Schlotzsky's and their wonderful 300 calorie small chicken sandwiches...a nice change up from Chick-fil-a for when I feel like fast food instead of home made. Even cooler, I no longer feel the need to eat side items anymore like chips or soups.

It is like the more exercise I get, the more satisfied I become from less and less food. And I'm even craving better foods like apples and broccoli.

Very weird indeed. Quite un-Louise-ish.

But it's not all good news. Ashamed to say I am giving way on some of the principles I so fiercely and pigheadedly advocated before I had to start making myself eat less. While I am growing more and more at peace with a water and tea drinks only policy, I still sometimes have an overwhelming craving for soda.

For the first time these past two weeks, I gave in to that craving yesterday and drank a 20 oz Coke. But what shames me most is that it was DIET Coke...diet, with its chemical sweetener I KNOW to be dangerous and unhealthy.

Worried about going over my calorie count, and too weak to ignore my soda craving (only because I was feeling sorry for myself about having to blow a gorgeous weekend with my snotty in-laws...why can't Anthony visit them by himself?), I felt the diet soda would save me some guilt. See, I love excuses to eat more!

But it didn't save me anything really. I feel guilty as hell for backing out on my principles and it tasted nasty. Strangely, this didn't stop me from drinking it all.

Oh, well. It's over. Now to just survive this weekend. Got my laptop and my TurboJam videos. Also my Mind Movie. Had to leave the I Love Exercising CD at home. It'd just freak the Wallace's out. They are very close-minded, hyper-critical people (of others, never themselves).

This post is so colorless...like my in-law's home. They have too many creams, browns & woods. All Earth elemental if we're looking at it from a feng shui perspective. Which means stability, unchanging, and anxiety.

This suits them but I swear its sapping my creativity. Yeah! It's their fault!

Seriously, what was bugging me most about coming up to see them wasn't their personalities. If I am to be honest with myself, I was more concerned with how I have gained 20 pounds since our last visit 5 months ago. I knew they'd give me grief about it. And they did. In a mean way, too, not a we're-so-worried-about-you way. If that makes sense.

Grr! Well, what's the best cure for stress and pent up angst? Exercise baby!!! I'm gonna go TurboJam in their guest room...and crank the music way up (so they can't hear my cursing at Chalene).

On a positive note, my new jeans are fitting so much more loosely and I KNOW my hips, butt & tummy are feeling smaller. Can't wait to get the hell back to Texas, but I can't wait for my weigh in on Day 30 even more!

Til next time, I love all you girls & guys out there, trying to get your own "Sexyback" going on. I salute you.

Got (or Had) Baby Fat?

2009-08-28T21:27:00.005-05:00

My Twitter friend @aspiringmama is writing a book about how women lose their weight gained after a pregnancy.

She is looking for ladies who have had this experience that she can use as examples in her book.

If you think you've got something to say about this subject, please visit her website at http://aspiringmama.com/?p=58 to learn more about her project.

Then contact her through there or Twitter at @aspiringmama or @baby_phfat

Let's help this nice lady out, shall we?

Exciting Things Coming Up (And a New Motivation)

2009-08-28T01:45:00.008-05:00

As promised, I must share the two exciting bits of news that have lately rocked my world.

The first is pretty minor I guess in the scheme of an average life, but nevertheless thrilling to me. My MILF of a mother & her flavor of the week, Scotty-poo (as we call him), were planning a ski vacation to Red River, New Mexico for January 2nd - 7th. He, like her long string of other dutiful little boyfriends, is paying for the whole thing.

Scott had also invited his sister and her boyfriend, who for some reason canceled on him. So guess who my crazy Mom persuaded him to take along instead?

ME!!! And Anthony. All bills paid. We only have to cover our food and buy our own clothes. Now here we come to the point of why this has excited me.

Ski clothes. I am determined to look hot enough in my ski clothes that I will be willing to allow someone to photograph me on this novel occasion. I won't have totally hit my goal in time, but I should look better than I have in - like - forever.

Having avoided all but the most necessary pictures in recent years, there are a lot of special events and trips no one would know I was a part of because I shamefully shied away from the camera to try and preserve my threadbare sense of self-worth.

I don't wanna do that anymore. Being a part of it all and having great photos to look back on are what good times and traveling is all about to me. Missing out on photo opportunities is just one more thing I've miserably sacrificed on the alter of fattie-hood...and I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT!

So come this January, when Louise sets out on those bunny slopes in her colorful, sexy & sassy little outfit to ski for the first time in her life (or to snowboard, haven't decided), she will have her picture taken to prove she was there. And one day, maybe her grandkids will get a look at it and rave about how beautiful she looked against the snowy backdrop.

Trust me...this is TREMENDOUSLY motivating for me and I am SO grateful to Scottie-poo for his unwitting contribution to my Frumpy FatAss Project.

But the 2nd bit of news is probably more life changing....

WE'RE MOVING OUT OF TEXAS...at last!

I've always felt that where a person grows up was their parent's choice. But whatever made your home town or state or country right for them does not mean it will be the right place for you...that there isn't another place out there more in tune with your own unique vibration.

After almost 6 years of marriage, I've convinced my husband of this, too. Once he committed, things just started lining themselves up perfectly to aid us in achieving our plans to move no later than when our current lease expires at the end of July 2010.

How do we plan to move? That's why I'm working at Jason's Deli. Saving up the $5000 we believe should help us catch any and all expenses involved. Then, we'll just drive & hire a moving truck.

Just WHERE and WHEN are the real questions and the answers depend on one thing. Anthony has been faithfully working these past 5 years with his best friend from college on a business they built together. Anthony was reluctant to move earlier because he didn't want to abandon his friend. A promise made is a promise kept, ya know?

However, since he was 16 he has known that his great dream is to run his own game store. He plays a tabletop strategy game called Warhammer 40k by a company named Games Workshop. The Regional Director knows and loves him, even asked him to work for him a couple years ago. At the time he turned him down because he couldn't abandon his friend, David, plus he did not wish to work for Games Workshop at any level lower than store manager.

Now, all of a sudden, David has agreed that he could keep the company going if Anthony were willing to at least work for him as a consultant. This he could do from anywhere, needing only a phone.

At the same time, Games Workshop is undergoing expansion and is hiring Hobby Store Managers all over the US, including my cherished target city, Seattle. And the Regional Director has encouraged Anthony to apply, saying he would call the corporate office personally to put in a good word for him.

Anthony, therefore, has applied for Hobby Store Manager in 8 different cities. This is where the question of WHERE and WHEN we'll move gets foggy.

If Games Workshop hires him, they will choose what city we move to out of the following options, listed in order of my preference: Seattle, San Francisco, LA, Chicago, DC, Baltimore, Detroit & Houston. Plus, they will need to train him in Baltimore for 4 months. This means we are likely to move in no less than 4 months but maybe as late as next August.

While I don't like not getting to choose the timing or place of our move, this is still the most preferred outcome as it will ensure my hubby's happiness. Seems like he was made for this position and this company.

However, if he is not hired by Games Workshop at this time (because you can bet your ass we'll keep trying every year of his life till he gets this job), then we will DEFINITELY move to the Seattle area as soon as we have amassed the $5000. Lease be damned!

The best part of all this is that when we move, Anthony has agreed to allow me to donate almost everything we own to Good Will. We'll be starting with a totally clean slate for our new home & our new life.

Gone will be the pellmell collection of belongings from two young lives thrown together 6 years ago...

...all the hand-me-downs from well-meaning friends and relatives...
...all the faded and worn and torn and broken bits of clutter and junk...
...all the dumpster diving prizes and garage sale fodder young people are apt to collect when trying to fill their first apartments with more than a matress and TV trays...
...all the purchases made from mere impulses or urgent necessity or price-consciousness instead of from careful planning and strong desire and thinking "what do I want" first, then figuring out how to get what we want...
...and anything else taking up space that I am not 100% in love with.

All of this will go.

Though it will take time, money & patience to fill up our new home and wardrobes from scratch, piece-by-wondrous-piece, it will be worth it. The result will be a perfectly harmonious home that is completely our own, stamped only with the personality of our unique marriage, not haunted by the energies and ghosts of a thousand other lives.

Finally, since we will be leaving Texas, Anthony has promised me we will at last buy our first house. No more apartments for us for more than another year-and-a-half.

You might be able to imagine how dizzy and nuts I am from all this, coming at me so fast and furious!

But remember how I felt like getting my health and fitness back was the first and most important thing in effecting positive changes in all other areas of one's life?

This trip and our move have only come up since I started this project. This might be proof that my theory is correct! Or further proof that the Mind Movie really does help in "attracting" whatever you choose to focus it on.

Either way, I am PSYCHED!

Look out New Mexico & Washington, one soon-to-be former Chunky-Dunker coming at ya!

The Project: Day 13, 14, 15 & 16

2009-08-27T19:41:00.015-05:00

TOO MUCH DRAMA describes the last 4 days, and I am sad to tell you I buckled under the pressure.
Sorry the update for Days 13 & 14 is coming so late but once I describe what was going on maybe you'll forgive me.

Also, this update is so much longer (since it covers 4 days and a lot of personal drama) so I've provided a very brief BOTTOM LINE SUMMARY at the bottom of this post for those who'd prefer to skip the longer details (just click on "Read More" and scroll to bottom of page).

Remember how I pointed out in the beginning that I figured out I'm an emotional eater? Well! When the shit hit the fan on Monday & then again on Wednesday that little demon came out again to tell me, "I'm still here, fatty!"

Okay, so here's a review of the last 4 days & my pathetic record of backsliding & weakness:

Day 13

I thought, since I had been doing so well and had been steadily cleaning up my eating thanks to The Daily Plate as well as becoming a more faithful & enthusiastic exerciser thanks to the I Love Exercising CD & Mind Movie, I'd allow myself one day a week of eating ANYTHING I wanted without worrying about the casualties to my jiggle-bowl tummy or the proliferation of cellulitic land mines on my thighs.

One girl on Twitter calls Sunday her "Sin Day" and that sounds good to me.

So for my SINday I ate 2684 calories (my daily allowance is 1479) and only did the TurboJam "Ab Jam" workout (which really works the whole trunk but is pretty non-aerobic).

But I'd like you to note that I DID workout - no excuses!

I'm convinced this would have all been okay, and I would have bounced right back on track on Monday...but then Murphy came disguised as my precious little brother, Joseph.

Day 14

Saying little brother is misleading. He is 2 years younger than I, but at 6'2" and 289 lbs. he can be pretty scary when he's upset (a random thought of the Hulk "you won't like me when I'm angry" - giggle)...and that is exactly what he was on Monday.

He's living with me and Anthony for a bit while he gets his shit together and because he has totally worn out his welcome everywhere else.

Monday, he needed me to drive him to the courthouse (he has no car & a suspended license) to pay his monthly court cost fee by 430pm or else he claims he'd be thrown in jail for violating his probation. Now, he doesn't tell me the urgency of his situation until an hour before this place closes. But he needs a money order to pay this thing with, and tells me he can get them for free at his favorite check cashing place. So we go.

***PERSONAL RANT: Check cashing places, in my opinion, are blood-sucking parasites who oppress the poor and the ignorant, like my brother. I loathe these places and have NEVER and will never use one for myself or my own family. But, since my brother has written hot checks at banks and has not paid the banks back, other banks won't do business with him so he turned to these bloodsuckers.***

Trying to help him get out of paying all their fees, Anthony and I have opened a savings account with him at our credit union. When ever he needs to pay for anything we just let him use our debit card and then transfer the money later.

But guess what?

This place not only wanted to charge me $3 for using my DEBIT card (turns out money orders were only free with cash and their ATM charge was $6), but in order to get the money order they wanted to make a photocopy of my debit card AND drivers license to keep on file "for auditing purposes."

In fact, they'd made the copies before I was even informed what they intended to do.

I flipped.

I demanded these copies be given to me to destroy and that they cancel the money order charge. But the girl had not been trained on how to cancel charges, no managers were present, and she wouldn't let me have the money order if she couldn't keep the debit card/DL copy she had made.

Incredibly, she informed me that if I wanted a refund I'd have to call back at 5pm to ask for one...but oh, she wasn't going to give me a copy of the receipt as proof showing I'd been charged the $143 already.

Bless her...Iris at Ace Check Cashing actually tried to get me to just accept this!

Can you believe it?! What ludicrous, half-baked bull shit!

I insisted she call her manager and cancel this charge, which she finally did, but this whole ordeal took 30 minutes and we were running out of time.

To make a long, long, tiring story shorter, we just barely made it to the courthouse in time for Joseph to pay his fee. However, he was treating me like I was to blame for all of his problems today, snapping at me and telling me to hurry up the whole way there.

When we got home and he started clipping his toe nails onto my carpet and I asked him to please do this over a trash can, he was so unbelievable as to tell me to leave him alone and stop being rude - couldn't I see he was on the phone (with his co-dependent, jealous as hell, lived with her grandparents til she was 26 girlfriend)? That was the proverbial last straw, my friends.

Losing all pretense of acting like a lady, I told him to get the *FUCK* out of our house.

There was no way I would put up with being treated like his servant when all we ever do is try and help his gross, ungrateful, self-centered little punk ass.

He exploded. I thought he was going to beat the hell out of me but he just stayed in the bathroom crying and scratching up his arms and neck. Anthony finally calmed him down and got him to apologize and pick up his toe nails. He explained he was just so scared of messing up his probation and of his girlfriend cheating on him that he took it out on me.

I accepted his apology (I'm an easy forgiver & never hold a grudge) and rescinded my demand that he vacate our home. But this is why I don't have to watch TV...I get plenty of drama from my extended family.

Please tell me I'm not the only one with dumb ass hicks for family.

I felt so drained and depressed after all of this, that I skipped my work out and went to Braums to drown my sorrows in white chocolate coconut ice cream. Total calories for Day 14: 2120

Day 15

There's nothing a good night's sleep doesn't help. Moods were higher on Tuesday and I made up for my emotional binging. Plus, I know this CD is getting to me because I felt next to NO guilt about my failures the day before. My thought was "just keep moving forward, Louise, its worth it, you'll win!"

Lots of exercise: walked for 1 hour with hubby, did the whole intense TurboJam "Fat Blaster" and even made whoopee (though still only in total darkness!).

After all these workouts my net calories for the Day was 907. Low, but I had been uncharacteristically super-active. And I'm starting to WANT to eat less now.

Day 16

Little brother drama of a different kind. First thing in the morning, my brother gets up and goes to the bathroom. 30 minutes later, I FREAKED when he came out, stumbling and crying from severe pain in his lower right abdomen.

My brother eats nothing but pure unadulterated shit most of the time, with tons of meat and cheese to boot. I was scared to death he was suffering from an attack of appendicitis.

I drove like a fiend (for a change) to the emergency room where they subjected my brother to nothing but sarcasm, "professional" apathy, and a seeming lack of interest in the potential urgency of my brother's complaint. I wanted to wring their necks when they started asking my brother for his drivers license even as he doubled over and fell onto the floor in agony.

***PERSONAL RANT: This is why I only see naturopathic doctors. I resented having to subject my brother to the burnout and unfeelingness, the haughtiness and disdain, the systematic assembly line approach that is conventional medicine. Since triage and diagnosis are the only services I think conventional "modern" medicine holds any use for, the Las Colinas Medical Center was the best place for him to be in this instance.***

Another long story short, we spent 6 hours there just for them to numb him, put him on an IV, do a urinalysis, give him a CT scan and check for a hernia. They found nothing but some bacteria in his urine and suggested he might have a kidney infection. Then they dismissed him.

I brought him home and put him on the Kidney Bladder herbal formula from Dr Schulze at HerbDoc.com (this helped me cure my chronic bladder infections over 3 years ago and they've never come back). He is drinking only water and seems better today.

And while I was grateful my little brother was alright, I pigged out (2008 calories) and went to bed early at 8pm. No workout.

Sorry so long...and so damn whiny. I'll avoid missing a scheduled update for the future and I'm sure I'll get over this low feeling here pretty quick.

BOTTOM LINE SUMMARY:

Family drama still triggers emotional eating and skipping workouts. I went over my calories 3 out of 4 days and only worked out 2 days so I may have set myself back a little but ONLY by a little. All is well today and I will press on.

Push-ups are still 16 and I'm still waiting on that first wonderful "you're losing weight" compliment. However, making my goal of 76 pounds by June 21st is looking more and more like a real possibility and I can't weight to check my first 30 days results here in two weeks...or for my brother to move out.

Til then, "Bring it, baby!"

Naturally Enhance Breast Growth | LIVESTRONG.COM

2009-08-26T03:05:00.006-05:00

Naturally Enhance Breast Growth | LIVESTRONG.COM

Shared via AddThis

Found this on that website that I've been raving about www.TheDailyPlate.com (aka www.LiveStrong.com). The one @thismomsguide pointed out for me.

Looks like those push-ups I've been doing will benefit more than my bye-bye arms (you know what bye-bye arms are, right? That's when your flabby triceps wave goodbye, too)....they might help make my meager melons more prominent, too!!!

The Project: Day 11 & 12

2009-08-23T11:49:00.010-05:00

Things are firming up! Literally.

Push-ups? Still 16. But....

My thighs & butt are taking on some shape already & more firm than they've been for a few years. Call me crazy, but I even think there is less cellulite on the front & back of my thighs, too.

Damn, these workouts are AWESOME! I did the TurboJam "FatBlaster" on Day 11 & then yesterday on Day 12 I did the 45-minute-long "Cardio Party Mix 1." Yep, that's right. 45 frigging minutes of bouncing & sweating with Chalene & her magical Wonder Bra.

For both workouts, I still have to pause 4 to 6 times for a minute or two to prevent cardiac arrest. But I do finish them.

This feels wonderful. Even more crazy, after the 45 minute "Cardio Party" last night I was seriously thinking about jumping into the 30-minute "Ab Jam" but then my hubby came home & we had to go pick up my little brother from work.

Is that not INSANE?! I was not kidding when I said I HATE TO EXERCISE. I really do. Or did. But somewhere in the middle of my workout last night drudgery transformed into an almost fun challenge. That's how it felt.

And I have started talking to myself during workouts, too.

Not just swearing either. I was yelling things like "Bring it, bitch!" when Chalene announced it was time for a Turbo. I was telling myself to get up & finish. Keep going. You're doing great, Louise.

Very cool. Dare I credit the I Love Exercising CD for such a swift transformation from hating exercise to starting to enjoy it? I think I must now. There is no other rational explanation. I mean, I've had a workout routine before without the help of this CD but NEVER started to act & feel about it like I am now. It seems my mind really is absorbing the statements being said on this CD while I sleep.

These are some of those statements I feel have been made a part of me now:

I now reject all excuses for not working out

I'm now free of all boredom during exercise

I choose persistent action and perseverance over giving up every time

The harder I work out, the better I feel

I'm a great coach and trainer to myself during my workouts

That last one must explain me talking to myself all of a sudden!
Thank the Creator!

Also, on the food front, I have stayed under the 1479 calories recommended for me by The Daily Plate site for 3 days now. Logged ALL of my food, too. Even a stick of gum I chewed. Though it seems I am getting way too much sodium every day and that is definitely not good.

No compliments from anyone else noticing any change but it is still too soon for that. Here's to Days 13 & 14. Wishing all my friends out there even more success with their Projects!

Making Sex a Joy Again: Another Thin Fantasy

2009-08-22T18:46:00.021-05:00

WARNING: This post should be read by adults (ages 18 & up) only.

And no, I never ever ever share intimate details like this with people. I'm only doing so here because we have such common names that our friends & family are never likely to stumble upon this & put two & two together.

Also, this blog serves as my 100% totally honest confessional of my thoughts & actions on this journey. What follows represents a MAJOR motivating thin fantasy that is helping increase the likelihood of this project's success. Afterall, if failure means putting never really getting to enjoy any of the following at stake, there are few other things that could motivate me more.

Finally, I know that all of us fatties ponder the glorious new intimate landscapes we'll open for our exploration by ridding ourselves of the junk in our trunks. Don't you dare deny it! Seems no one is ever willing to admit it...especially in the prude capital of the world - the USA!

Well, I am not too prude or too proud to deny how important sex is to me & my relationship with my husband. I am not ashamed to be a lover. I am only ashamed of all the loving I miss out on & deny my so-worthy, so-deserving husband because I didn't love myself enough first to take better care of myself.

Without further ado, these are things I used to enjoy in my love making sessions that I will resurrect when my rump is no longer wider than the wildebeest's (to my husband's sheer delight, I'm sure):

Doing it with the lights on.
Going down on my hubby whilst he is driving on long road trips, which necessitates number 3...
Renting a room at a hotel for an hour long session with hubby so he can finish driving us home in peace. I love the curious looks the staff give me when we check out only 60 minutes after we checked in.
Doing it standing up.
Doing it sitting on the kitchen counters. Can't quite fit comfortably without sliding off now.
In the shower. Nowadays I feel too clumsy & inflexible for such water aerobics.
Going to Victoria's Secret together & trying on absolutely EVERYTHING Anthony asks me to...with a private runway show in the changing room.
Leaving the curtains open when we make love in hotel rooms. Sometimes even standing right in front of the windows.
Wearing those little corsets under my skirts again with girdles & the straps that you fasten to the tops of thigh high stockings...and no panties. Then, going dancing at dark clubs. Makes Anthony nuts & necessitates number 10...
Making love in the car! It's been too long.
Being on top. I am just so ashamed of my belly & and thighs now that I cringe when he requests this. It was my absolute favorite way to make love when we got married.
Playing & tickling & chasing each other around the house whilst naked. It was a blast! He'd start stripping my clothes off & I'd start running away. He'd catch me & tickle me & kiss me & .....

That's all that comes to mind for now.

Just look at all the fun I once had. All the joy & excitement I instilled in my husband's otherwise dull daily life.

Let's face it...

Thin, fit, healthy ladies having better sex...and more often. And more sex means better health & a longer life to boot. Some may deny all this, but I have known a sex life that included all of the above enumerated items. I remember what that was like and how such things compare now as a FatAss.

There is no comparison. Thin wins. End of story.

Can I really turn my back on all this? NO!!!!!!!!!

My life is now. All these opportunities for heavenly pleasure will continue to pass me by if I don't choose myself over food & sitting on my ass. At the very least I have a duty to my husband & our marriage to think about.

So here's to one more TurboJam session.

Anthony...my love...honey, this one's for you.

Feeling Pretty--Nevermind!--Feeling Frumpy Again

2009-08-22T01:34:00.008-05:00

When will I stop quaking in front of mirrors?

Here's what happened today. You know those sort of days where, even though you KNOW you're still a fat-bottomed girl, but nevertheless you're actually feeling like you really do make the rockin' world go round?

You know what I mean! You're feeling pretty, maybe even a bit slimmer for some reason?

Maybe your jeans are stretched out enough today that you let yourself get the impression that you're losing some weight. Maybe your wonderful hubby gave you some sweet compliments when he rocked your world before you even got to leave the bedroom on a fine Saturday morning.

Well, anyway. That's how I was feeling this morning. Feeling pretty. I mean, afterall, I'm working out, drinking water, and now fit in TWO of the three pairs of pants I couldn't just a few days ago. My hair is freshly colored & Anthony wouldn't stop smooching me this morning and telling me how much he loves me (let's raise a cheer for good husbands everywhere).

I was feeling - as Bridget Jones would say - "like movie screen goddess in manner of Grace Kelly...though ever so slightly less elegant." I felt good.

So I take my brother Joseph out to get his haircut (he's living with us for a bit). We walk into Super Cuts, and I take a seat to wait for him.

Then it happened.

Dead ahead were the shelves where they display all their hair products for sale...but the whole wall behind the shelves was one giant mirror. I blinked.

Is that flaming red-haired, pasty-faced blob in the mirror taking up half a bench...me?

It surely was. Then it all came rushing in. Yes, I may have grown ever-so-slightly smaller from my recent efforts. But just because a ship with no cargo might sit a little higher on the waves, it is still a big ass frickin' ship.

I may fit in my size 16 jeans, but I am STILL 6 pant sizes larger than I should be!

Remembered when I felt superhot & LOVED to look in the mirror. Staring in the mirror was a pleasure & only reconfirmed my suspicions that I was one drop-dead gorgeous babe that any man or woman would be lucky to get their hands on.

Ah! Those days are gone! For now anyways. I forced myself not to look ahead anymore & wished Joseph's haircut would be done already. Boy, I felt so ugly!

As is their habit when one is feeling her ugliest, sexy young men started pouring into the shop to twist the knife. When they looked around & met my eyes, I smiled (a habit), but my smile was not returned.

Trying to pretend I didn't feel a sting when they swiftly looked away & never gave me a second glance, I comforted myself with the thought that maybe these guys were gay anyway. Seems like the one's that take the best care of themselves usually are!

But then I noticed them stealing glances at the sexy, skeletal thin girl cutting my little brother's hair.

No, I knew it was just me. I am NOT pretty anymore. Why should they look twice?

Then later at lunch at Jason's Deli the same thing. No mirrors, but just a feeling of being completely unremarkable...not in the least bit interesting or worth taking notice of.

The girl ordering in front of me was a smoldering hot brunette dressed like a lady, but still in a manner that showed off what she had (and what she had was beautiful to behold, no doubt about it). By the time I got to order, the cashier, another cute guy, was so flustered from his encounter with this beauty, he stammered & kept asking me to repeat what I wanted. He never met my eyes but kept looking all around me after the brunette.

As I sat there, feeling somewhat triumphant that I was drinking water instead of sweet tea, and eating a total of 460 fewer calories of food than usual, this good feeling turned to bitterness. The brunette was leaving and no less than 3 of the men working behind the counter stood at the windows gawking after her. Then they whistled to themselves, smiled & sighed with utter bliss.

Damn it all though, those approving second glances from the opposite sex that I so cherish are on their way back! That's one of the things this Project is all about.

Like Bridget Jones, I say, "I will not be defeated by a bad man & an American stick insect." Though I will not choose Vodka to solace me. I choose TurboJam, water & a delight in not eating everything in sight (well, when it doesn't feel like deprivation).

This Daily Plate site is really, truly helping me take control of my eating. Thanks again to my Twitter friend @thismomsguide.

With this & the other tools by my side, I know it'll be raining men for me again in no time. Men I will relish rejecting (I am married afterall). It will be a guilty sort of pleasure!

For now, I'll swallow this bitter pill of frumpiness today & keep moving forward to feeling pretty again.

The Project: Day 9 & 10

2009-08-21T15:43:00.010-05:00

Things are REALLY rolling now...and I'm not just talking about my junk in the trunk either.

Push-ups? 16 (still on my knees)

After a disappointing Days 7 & 8, I am back on track. I did the "20 Minute Workout" again on Day 9. Getting the hang of it for sure. Then I saw that the TurboJam "Fat Blaster" workout is meant to burn huge calories in 30 minutes, and so I did it on Day 10.

Now I see why. It is intense high-impact with 8 of what they call "Turbos"...which is the anaerobic part of these aerobic workouts. I think you call this interval training?

Anyway, I have to stop & catch my breath after each Turbo, but I actually got up and hit play again & again til I finished all 30 wanna-step-in-front-of-a-swiftly-moving-bus minutes!!!

And get this...I am ACTUALLY LAUGHING at some points throughout these workouts now!

This has GOT to be the I Love Exercising CD at work! I HATE to work out & I look for ANY excuse to stop or not even start...but not the last two days! I am SOOOOO excited about what this portends for the future of this project.

Is that the death knell tolling for this FatAss? I'm thinking it could be!

Even more uncharacteristic of me, I did this Fat Blaster workout right in front of my little brother.

Even though he was laughing at my ruby red face & wild, uncoordinated flailing...even though he could hear me moaning & cursing while I rested after each Turbo...even though my general lack of fitness was too apparent & my wobbly bits were flopping like mad...I kept going. Indeed, I think what I felt was a sense of pride in myself that I was working out at all.

And I couldn't give a damn who saw. Because I am starting to hold in my mind a perfect image of where my body is headed! This image has got to be the Mind Movie at work.

Time will tell.

Meanwhile, I was guided to this tool at The Daily Plate which I described in this post on Day 10. It is 100% what I wanted to help track my progress...and even better than I imagined. I might also credit the Mind Movie for helping me attract this. The creators say the Mind Movie is a tool with two purposes: to help clearly visualize what you want, and then to help attract all you need to get what you have visualized.

I am feeling so good now (even though I am still on my period). The blues are banished. Maybe I can even drop this ridiculous idea I have that no one will hire me because I have grown so fat & ugly. Anthony really wants me to get a job, especially now that we're talking about moving out of state.

I know I've got a long long long ways to go, but you are all helping me so much on this blog & Twitter & for that I am deeply grateful.

This feeling is what I want for all of you. If you have your own project underway, tell me about it so I can follow you too & lend support.

If you haven't kicked off your project yet, then as we say in TurboJam land:

"BRING IT!!!"

Kick Ass New Tool for My Project

2009-08-21T13:34:00.007-05:00

A HUGE thank you to my Twitter friend @thismomsguide for bringing this new tool to my attention. Since I think it will be a boon to anyone reading this with similar fitness, weight loss, and getting back to goddess goals, I wanna make sure I quickly mention and describe The Daily Plate.

I believe this is a site founded or maybe just promoted by Lance Armstrong, which makes it instantly cool for me, but it is also the most complete, affordable, fun & easy tool I have found to keep track of everything all in one place.

At the www.TheDailyPlate.com I got the cutsie new weight loss progress bar you can now see displayed at the top of my blog - free of charge.

Also for free, I can track my calorie intake. It calculates how many calories you should consume based on your age, height & weight to lose 1 or 2 lbs per week (your choice). For example, at almost 28 years old, 5'5" tall, starting at 194 lbs, with a goal of losing 2 lbs per week it said I should consume a net of no more than 1479 calories per day.

For a FatAss like me this is much harder than it sounds when one's favorite source of food is Chick-fil-a. But I guess I'll have to get a flipping grip, won't I?

The Daily Plate also has the most awesome database of every type of food from restaurants to organic packaged foods like my Lundberg's Wild Porcini Mushroom Risotto with a complete nutritional profile of each.

When you eat something, you can just search for it in their database, add it, and get an update on how many more calories you may consume to still meet your goal. PLUS, it breaks it all down to show how many grams of fat, carbs, sugars, sodium, protein & cholesterol you've had & compares this to the Recommended Daily Values.

VERY nice.

But then it also lets you track your daily water intake, your daily fitness activities (and subtracts the calories burned from your daily calorie limits), your weight loss goals (and tells you when you should reach your goal), your measurements (neck, hips, chest & waist may be tracked for free - others require gold membership), and your BMI (Body Mass Index...damn it all I AM in the obese category - ug!).

I was getting frustrated that no other tool was complete like this. Even the free tools that came with my TurboJam workouts from Beachbody weren't as complete & easy as this. If something was more complete it was also harder to use. This is easy & makes it fun. I love it.

Finally, nearly all these features are free to use, but if you want, upgrading to gold it is $29.95 for 6 months or else $45 for a year.

So I am using this as of yesterday, August 20th, & I'm so very thankful to have found this so early in my Project.

Thanks again to my wonderful readers for your sage advice & suggestions. Keep them coming!

The Project: Day 7 & 8

2009-08-19T16:50:00.016-05:00

How funny! I taunted Day 7 & 8 in my last progress report, asking them to hit me with their best shot...and they delivered....

My period.

I promised myself total honesty here on this blog since it is not something I'm trying to use to impress anyone, and so now is a test of that.

The truth is that I did not work out at all on days 7 & 8. Though I am strangely not mad at myself like I used to get, nor do I feel like quitting (also a normal reaction when I fall short of perfect execution of my plans).

A little introspection reminds me that I am always depressed the first couple of days of my periods (depressed is a mild description...my pity party on Saturday must have been a prelude to my monthly menstrual-time sob fest). Naturally, these blues make me reluctant to do anything at all but also my first two days are VERY VERY VERY heavy.

This makes me terribly uncomfortable in any activity, least of all jumping all around for TurboJam.

But maybe this is a lame excuse.

In fact, I think I'll do a post soon covering all my lamest excuses. Some of them are hilarious.

At any rate, I'm right back on track today with no bad feelings. That "oh well, keep going" attitude has to be coming from the I Love Exercising CD because it is not normal for me.

Push-ups? 13 (Lame!)

Still doing incredibly well on the water/unsweet tea only and other tricks.

I am so proud to say I can now fit into 1 of the 3 pairs of pants I bought the other day (that I couldn't get zipped before!). Still haven't weighed myself but this alone is the best proof of progress in my opinion.

Also did more research on the restaurant foods I was eating all the time & I am unendingly shocked about how many calories I was unwittingly eating.

***Laughing at how I thought eating a single burger from Sonic with no tots was "being good"...the burger alone had over 600 calories!!!***

Strongly urge any others out there addicted to or depending on restaurants for most of their food to go to the company websites & check out just how many calories YOUR favorite meals have.

My fave places for nutritional sinning & suicide are (or were):

www.chickfila.com
www.sonicdrivein.com
www.jasonsdeli.com
www.whataburger.com
www.tacobell.com

(All the links above should take you straight to the nutrition info pages)

Have had many wonderful comments & advice from readers for which I am so grateful. Keep them coming, and let's keep on moving together people.

Start your own Project. If you do, let me know so I can follow your blog & subscribe to your RSS feed. Anything to keep you motivated.

I believe in you & love you all...who ever you are, where ever you are, and what ever shape you may be in...for now.

The Project: Day 5 & 6

2009-08-17T17:43:00.004-05:00

Starting to notice some changes now! So excited. Still a FatAss, but other invisible changes are coming my way.

Push-ups? Still just 12 but much easier.

I started the TurboJam "20 Minute Workout" on Saturday and all I can say is---eeek! Feel like the clumsiest, graceless hippo stampeding around my living room sweating & cursing.

I burn with shame, even though there is no one watching, during a part of the workout where I am sort of bouncing up & down. Can you believe my BACK is so fat that even it jiggles up & down with me like my fat rolls on my belly? Didn't even think backs could get fat!

My boobs, of course, move not at all.

Ug, I disgust me. My back is plumper than my chest!

This workout is of course more complex than the "Learn & Burn" but it is a bit like dancing, too. For me, very awkward dancing. I get lost in the moves & find it hard to keep up, but I am making it through the whole 20 minutes before I literally collapse in a smelly, sweaty heap. The instructor in the video, Chalene Johnson, assures me I'll get the hang of it.

That perky, skinny bitch!...Just kidding...sort of. Seriously, she is wonderful. God, I hope she's right about me getting as good as her!

But the real change is definitely in the mental game. My thinking about these workouts seems to be shifting.

For example, I find myself thinking about working out constantly...but in a looking-forward-to-it kind of way. I am still finding excuses to put it off or do no more than the 1 short workout, so the I Love Exercising CD & Mind Movie programs obviously haven't sunk in as deep as the creators promise they will, but I am now starting to wonder.

Especially since when I worked out yesterday, I found myself smiling through it, and really pushing myself in a kind of exciting & show-offish way.

This could all be my imagination or wishful thinking on my part, hoping these things are worth what I paid for them. So for now I still say it is too soon to tell on that count.

Have not weighed myself. I'll wait til the end of the first 30 days, then weigh & measure & post it all in a special area on the sidebar of my blog.

Because of my new eating tricks (I wrote about in this post) I am starting to look forward to that 30 day mark.

I have had only water & unsweet tea today & yesterday. I have left food from every meal! Oh, my God...I just realized I didn't even think much about food at all today.

Day 7 & 8, hit me with your best shot!

Water & Fork Tricks to Fight Off the FatAss

2009-08-17T13:39:00.007-05:00

Four new water & fork 'tricks' in my bag that are helping me clamp down on my little overeating problem.

Well, not so little anymore.

Yes, damn it, I confess it...I stuff my face every chance I get. When I am hungry or not and always past the point of fullness. Most especially, I have to admit that somewhere along the path from adolescence to adulthood, I became an emotional eater.

Sad? Food. Depressed? Food. Cause to celebrate? Food. Dumped? Food. In love? Food. Lonely? Food. Disappointed? Food. Had a good time in the sack? Food. Had a bad time in the sack? Food. Regretting I ever crawled in the sack at all? Food.

FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOOOOOD!!!

I've found four tricks that I've used the last two days (one recommended by one of you, my precious readers), to help me avoid overeating & to help me become more aware of fullness (because sometimes I feel like I honestly can't tell anymore).

These are the four tricks. If you know others please share:

1. When I THINK I'm feeling hungry, or right before I sit down at mealtimes, I drink a highball glass sized draft of water. Using this, not only am I getting more hydrated, which seems to be helping my energy, but I am actually opting NOT to snack. Or else I am leaving food on my plate again! I haven't acted like that in years!

2. Like a reader urged me, and I promised to consider, I have decided to drink only water & unsweetened tea. After researching the caloric values of my favorite drinks, this one thing alone is shaving almost 1000 CALORIES OFF of my diet. Can't believe I was drinking so much of my weight problem!!! My only exception to this will be for special occasions with family...at least until I get this weight off & teach my body how to eat intelligently again. I suggest you research how many calories you are drinking each day, too.

3. When I am finished eating, I immediately brush my teeth. When I cannot brush, I swish & gargle water furiously. This, removes most, if not all, of the traces of food left behind in my mouth & teeth. One of the nutrition experts at Beachbody.com said these traces are shown to contribute to further cravings.

4. Finally, my fork trick. When I am at a restaurant where the portions are ridiculously large, but I nevertheless try to give them a 'happy plate' - I used to try just pushing my plate away. All that seemed to mean to my mouth was that I had to reach farther to keep eating. So, hey, I was working my arms, right? Um, well...maybe not.

Anyway, now when I am done, like a child, and to the complete annoyance of the dishwashers I am sure...I play with my food. First, I stick the end of my utensils I hold onto into the remains on my plate. If that doesn't stop me from picking at it with my bare hands before the darn slow ass waiter gets there to take my food fort away, then I smother the remains in ketchup, hot sauce, syrup, wasabi, or red pepper. Whatever's at hand will do.

These are ALL working SO well for me! Some of them are really old common sense advice. But hey, I seem to be short on that lately & could use an infusion of plain old good sense in my life, couldn't you?

Hope these help whoever wishes to try them. Again, please share any other such tricks you employ that might be useful!

Some Would Kill to be Only as Fat as I am Now!

2009-08-16T18:18:00.006-05:00

On Saturday, I must confess, I savored a brief pity party. Upset that none of my new pants fit, & thinking about all the weight I had to lose, all the water I had to drink, & all the exercise I had to do to get myself where I wanted to be health & fitness-wise...I started to think of how unlucky I am.

How this is going to be so hard for me when it seems so easy to others.

I thought about my MILF of a mother.

I thought of my beautiful best friend from India, Elizabeth, who's sensible ethnic diet & fondness for drinking only water has ensured her a lifetime of possessing her lovely figure.

I thought of how my mother-in-law, in her early 60s, finally decided to get healthy & now looks better than me in her new size 6 body, and keeps foisting her old size 16-22 fat clothes on me. I swear she seems to enjoy the hurt look in my eyes every time she gives me another huge pair of pants. I dread my visits to their house.

Or how all my old co-workers just got their stomachs stapled. And even though I know for a fact this is not the permanent solution the surgeons claim it is (having personally known 2 people who 5 or 7 years later starting gaining it all back again with interest), I still grudge them all the compliments & slender clothes they are getting now because they took the easy way out!!! The cheats! I think the most hateful, resentful things about them when they suggest I do the same.

Mostly, I'm mad & sad with them because for any good thing worthwhile there is no truly easy way to obtain it. Not in a lasting way.

Thank the Creator though that now I have a source of solace & inspiration...and a swift kick in my Fatass...if I get to thinking such things again during this project.

Now when I feel this way I just go over to the success stories section of Team Beachbody. With the TurboJam workout videos, I also got a free membership to this resource which has tons of stories & videos of people telling where they started and how they used various Beachbody workouts to get their new amazing bodies.

What most amazed me though, and finally got me to stop whining, were the stories of girls & guys who'd started out with MUCH MORE weight to lose than I have. One girl was 235 lbs, another 305 lbs, and some guys were well over 300 lbs. I was surprised how many chicks there were that started at 200 plus!

Here I am, being close to 200 at 194 lbs but still not being at that mark or more, & I am whining about all the work ahead of me! Yet here, on this site, are stories of these brave, amazing ladies of all ages who had so much more work to do and yet they did it! Most now enjoy bodies sexier than mine ever was.

Yet they would have LOVED, maybe even KILLED, to have instantly been granted the starting point of a mere 194 lbs that I now enjoy....

I recalled a mentor telling me that one's own situation can always be made to seem wonderful when we compare it to another. He also said I should never think about all I have yet ahead of me to DO in order to reach my goal, but should look always & only at what progress I've already made. To do it the other way will only discourage a person so much, they're likely to quit.

Finally, he said that when things start getting REALLY bad, that just means that real change is finally underway...so don't quit when you start hitting that wall. Keep moving forward. You'll break on through to the other side, and you'll be so thankful you did.

So no more whining, Louise! 194 lbs is a piece of cake. No sweat. Well, maybe a lot of sweat, but not as much as others have had to perspire.

I'm grateful. I'm gonna keep moving forward. If a 305 lb woman can do it, so can I. It's so worth it!

The Project: Day 3 & 4

2009-08-15T19:33:00.009-05:00

Can't possibly have fallen off the wagon so soon, could I?

The visits to fitting rooms over the past two days have depressed me just a skotch. Still, I need to be aware of the whole truth if I am to overcome it.

I worked out on Day 3, doing TurboJam "Learn & Burn" again. Think I have the basic moves down now. That means I'll move forward to the "20 Minute Workout" on Day 5 (today).

And since I can't realistically expect to have dropped a pant size from only 2 fifteen minute workouts in 4 days (though it doesn't mean I don't wish I had), I won't even bother to weigh myself. Too big a risk of depressing myself further.

Push-ups? I'm up to 12...though still on my knees. That beats 9!

If the I Love Exercising CD or Mind Movie are working yet, can't say. I have not turned in to the exercise fanatic that the CD most especially promises I will become. In fact, I have been most unenthusiastic about the exercise part of this project (which is why I got the CD and Mind Movie in the first place).

Time will tell if mind power will join my side in this challenge.

As for my diet, I did a little research on Chick-fil-a. Found out the sauce I like has 140 calories versus only 45 calories in the BBQ sauce. Found out the cole slaw and the carrot/raisin salad are actually the worst sides to have (even worse than fries) at around 330-360 calories for the small serving.

The best side? Chicken noodle soup at 150 calories.

And my ultimate weakness, sweet tea, has 130 calories per medium serving. Only 20 calories less than Coca-Cola. Now that is some grossly sweet tea!

Speaking of drinks, I'm so surprised that I'm already getting some most welcome encouragement & advice from readers! Guess my Twitter friend Nevis (@NevisBlack) was right about me getting on Twitter, and I am so grateful.

One reader from Twitter @LittleMissScoop told me to drop sugar. So, I am trying to decide if I am strong enough to commit to a water & unsweetened tea only drinking regimen. If I drop all the cursed sweet tea & soda, I'll probably start slimming much faster...and she says I'll feel better, too.

I'll make my decision on this by the time I post my Day 5 & 6 update. But please, if you have anything to say about this, let me know. Keep the advice & love coming! Trust me, if it helps me, it'll help others & this blog is mostly about helping the most average of FatAss's experience success without surgery, pills or potions.

I wanna prove yet again, that we girls & guys need nothing more than mind power, exercise & smaller portions to win over our bodies.

Fitting Room Trauma: I'll Just be in the Tub Now...With My Wrists Slit

2009-08-15T17:05:00.007-05:00

Tell me. Is there anything worse a fat gal has to endure than entering a fitting room to try on new clothes?

Well, for me there is one thing worse. I'll vent about that tomorrow.

Today is all about fitting room trauma.

The fact that I have basically worn the same 3 pairs of pants & 7 shirts for the last two years is sadly true. Don't be grossed out. I clean the damn things.

But they are all, as you can imagine, getting faded and threadbare. Plus, old clothes totally frumpify a girl.

If I want to get hired by someone & if I want to ease the misery of visiting my in-laws again in two weeks, then I know I've got to show up in newer clothes. So, yesterday and today I went shopping, hoping to at least pick up a few new pairs of pants & some nice jeans.

Because jeans can flatter every figure...so I'm told.

Let's just say after two days of this hell I am not in the state of euphoria that skinny little nymph in the photo is.

Knowing my size 14 jeans were no longer coming close to fitting, I grimly swallowed the truth that I would need to hunt for size 16. Also, maybe some size 14 would still fit if the manufacturers made them to "fit bigger." Or so I rationalized with my tender ego.

Anthony, that darling man of mine, insisted on coming along to help me out. We went to Ross & GoodWill (I refuse to spend more on fat jeans...doing that feels almost like admitting defeat). He is the most patient, helpful & honest shopping buddy. Damn, I'm blessed in at least my marriage!

His instructions were to seek sizes 14 or 16. No black jeans or other colors. Definitely leaning toward pants with cute or funky designs or embroidery of any kind or color. Automatic no on any of the following brands of jeans: Wrangler, Lee, Faded Glory, Chic, Levis 501, or Gloria Vanderbilt. At GoodWill, where the jeans are secondhand, he must confirm there are no holes or stains (especially in the crotch!).

Finally, he had better memorize the sizes I needed, for if he forced me to call them out in the store his demise would be swiftly assured.

My man followed these rules to perfection. In fact, he is so lovely & wonderful, that when he'd hold up a pair of pants & I'd ask him what size they were, he'd say "size 4" or "size 6"...now we have our private little codes when shopping to spare me my vanity!

Isn't he terrific?

Anyway, I had to try these things on at some point. I trudged into the dressing rooms, cringing with dread. But I did not foresee what unhappiness was actually in store for me.

World...hear now that even size 16 no longer fits!!!!

Hearing me get quiet, Anthony asked what was the matter. "Oh, nothing," I lied, stifling a silent sob.

Turns out, at 194 pounds, I have a size 18 ass. EIGHTEEN! Oh, my God! That once seemed like the most remote possibility. My old roommate was a size 18 & I use to wonder how she got there.

Now I'm here.

Worst of all, I didn't admit any of this to Anthony. Like a coward & a liar, I picked up 3 pairs of size 16 that I had been able to button, but had made my fat thighs look like plump sausages. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

But I marched out of the fitting room with a smile for Anthony.

We purchased them. Three pretty cute jeans...that I can't even wear at the moment. My hope is that if I keep working hard enough & get my food under control then I'll be able to wear them more comfortably in about a month.

Wish me luck.

Meanwhile, I still have nothing to wear for work or to the in-laws. Ug!

Fat Rolls...Oh How I Loathe Them

2009-08-14T18:34:00.006-05:00

Nothing makes me feel so fat as these blasted fat rolls. When I stand up, I feel a fold of fat on either side of my back right in the middle. When I sit down, this fold carries forward to my front, making one long circle of fat right around my middle like a donut.

The back I can ignore usually. At least until someone hugs me...then I become all too aware of it.

But the front of the fat roll is the worst. Feels all sweaty in the creases, as the roll sits like a second pair of boobs just below my actual boobs which makes it look like I have no boobs at all. Guess I've covered that already.

The doppelganger boobs rest over the mother of fat rolls. My hideously squishy, soft jelly bowl tummy. Even when I'm "sucking it in" I still have a little pooch.

It's funny. As the weight was packing on I didn't notice it much. But all of a sudden I got these folds and rolls! Seemed like they came out of nowhere and made me--undeniably--a for-real fatty.

Looking forward to taking off this damn tire. Just hope the wrinkle forming in the cracks of this fold isn't permanent. Looks like I've got an equator line round my middle.

The Project: Day 1 & 2

2009-08-13T15:16:00.007-05:00

The Frumpy FatAss project is officially underway now, and let's quickly review any progress for Days 1 & 2. To cut to the chase, I can say "Not much."

If the I Love Exercising CD I am listening to at night while I sleep has started kicking in, I can't tell. If anything, I have less of a desire to exercise but according to the genius who created these programs this is normal.

He says a person might temporarily experience an aggravation of the issue the CD is supposed to fix...this is a sign that our subconscious is starting to accept the new messages and breaking down our old thoughts. Hope he's right but my friend from Twitter agrees she had the same experience, so that makes me feel better.

Like the CD, can't tell if the Mind Movie is helping me attract better either. It does make it a little easier to visualize what a flat stomach and a small, sexy butt should look like. Guess that's good.

So far, I've completed 1 TurboJam workout, the "Learn & Burn." It could be my imagination but my thighs DO feel firmer today and my stomach muscles ache like hell!

Weight Loss? Actually, GAINED 1 pound. Want to impale myself on a broomstick. Coaches say a little weight gain at first is normal, too, but how does this help my motivation and confidence damn it!?

Only ate at Chick-fil-a once (like that makes it better?) on first day. Need to drink more water and less soda! Duh!

Wish me luck for Days 3 & 4.

No More Cotton Panties!

2009-08-12T17:43:00.006-05:00

A TurboJam coach mentioned that cotton panties are somehow unsanitary...that they harbor & encourage the growth of bacteria like some little vaginal petri dish.

Ewe-eth!!

Don't know about you but I don't need any more help in that department. But I've never had anything BUT cotton panties as all the women have in my family. Sounds downright un-American not too. Just kidding.

Still, this guy's arguments were compelling (wait a second, am I taking advice on women's undies from a dude? Um, yeah...we won't go there). So what does he tell you to wear instead?

A loincloth...

Ha ha! Gotcha!

No seriously he says you should go with some sort of 'microfiber' type panty.

So I went to Target yesterday. HUNDREDS of cotton panties to choose from, and only about 5 non-cotton, microfiber types.

I got some purple-stripey types and some pink. Slipped on my first pair today...and I ain't going back!

I got the Hanes "Perfect Stretch" Opaque Bikini style. Oh...my...goodness. They are similar in feel to pantyhose but stronger...soft as satin...SO breathable. They don't make a line you can see through your pants. it practically feels like I've got nothing on!

But the best part is that these are so flattering even over my recently robust rear (say that 10 times fast). I feel a little sexier and slimmer already...a little more feminine.

Now as to the smelly bacteria, we'll see. Hand wash only...of course!

Where Have My Boobs Gone?

2009-08-12T11:29:00.009-05:00

One benefit of getting fat should be that a more impressive rack comes with it...but not with my luck!

I always had a smaller chest, and I appreciated it. My lovers certainly never complained. Small breasts are perpetually perky. I can't hold a pencil under them but my man can get a handful.

Sure some meanie chicks used to poke fun at my ability to go braless and even then still experience nary a bounce when I walked. But then Kate Hudson & Keira Knightley came along with their stubborn refusal to artificially augment their teensy tits and I felt vindicated.

Sure my breasts are small, but when the rest of me was small, too, there was no question that I was a fine, mature female specimen with something wonderful under my shirt.

But woe is me! When the rest of my body started getting bigger...my breasts didn't. When I put my shirt on, the fat around my whole trunk sort of protrudes out all around and as far out as my meager mellons do. So the whole effect is that I am boobless-looking. You can sort of see what I mean in my profile pic.

My boobs are just buried in the surrounding blubber....

There are men who could more easily pass the test for womanhood with their manboobs than I could. Sigh.

Forgive my whining. Just needed to vent...and remind myself of one more thing (or really, two more things) I have to look forward to as my body returns to its former fitness.

My boobs will surely re-appear. And they will be most welcome, and disgustingly flaunted. I promise!

Hiding From My Husband

2009-08-11T16:15:00.006-05:00

Nothing about having gotten fat makes me feel worse than my habit of trying to always hide myself from my husband.

Whether I am showering, changing clothes, sitting on the toilet or making love, I just can't bear for him to look at me.

Like this morning when I decided I had better take a shower now (it having been 3 days...gross, yes, I know).

Getting up a little earlier than usual to try and get my shower in before he takes his own daily morning shower. Yet, today, of course, he gets up a little early, too. Joining me in the bathroom, he wants to shower with me but I have already snatched the shower curtain over me to cover my wobbly bits.

He looked so hurt. Like I don't trust him. He tells me, "Come on, I wanna see my wife."

My Mother says that our husbands are normally blind to such changes in us. That they just look at us and see the same woman they love. However, she says if I keep bringing attention to myself by always trying to hide from him, he will finally start to take note of my changed body...and maybe even start becoming as disgusted with it as I am.

She's probably right. But I am just so embarrassed I can't help it. Already I insist we make love in the dark.

Losing this fear will maybe be the best thing about getting fit again.

Getting In Shape: Why Its the Perfect Goal?

2009-08-11T13:38:00.020-05:00

To me, getting healthy & in shape seems like the most perfect goal for a person to start with for six reasons:

1. Total control of results

2. As cheaply attained (money-wise) as you need it to be

3. Many paths to success to suit every taste

4. Short time required to experience big success

5. Success is assured (so long as you take correct action)

6. Success here will positively impact every other aspect of your life (as I already covered in this post)

Think about it. What are some of the other most common types of goals?

There's career success, retirement, financial freedom, business ownership, finding The One, getting married, having children, buying a house, taking your dream vacation, planning & designing a garden for your home, graduating college, etc....

You get the idea.

With all of these goals, it is most certain that your success is somehow dependent on the actions, thoughts, cooperation, opinions or whims of other people or forces. Sure, you have some control, but there is no other place where we have more power than we do over our very selves.

Secondly, most of these other goals could take YEARS before you taste the fruit of success. And, with many of these goals, you could make all the right moves and still be robbed of success. Many of them require barrels of money. Finally, only a couple of these goals, if attained, are sure to positively elevate every other facet of your life.

Now, I certainly don't mean to imply these goals aren't worth the time & effort. But what if you've never been good at getting anything done...if you feel incapable of finishing what you start...if you are easily discouraged by setbacks or lack of speedy progress?

Well, I am. So I could use a big boost to my self-confidence.

Perhaps it is different for you, but for me, nothing gives me more confidence than achievement. Achieving something worthy & challenging that I had set out to do PROVES I can go one step further & hit some bigger, better target.

So back to the goal of getting healthy & in shape. Let's quickly review all the reasons why it is the perfect goal for me (and others like me) to get started with:

Is it worthy & challenging? Most definitely!
Would achieving it give me more confidence? Duh, of course! Because I'll feel great about how I look AND about what I was able to achieve.
Can I completely control my results? Yes. 100% of my results will be determined only by what foods I choose to put in my body & how I choose to move my body everyday. No one and nothing else is to blame.
Can I achieve this on a smaller budget? Yep, since I don't have much spending cash, I've acquired the most effective tools I can use at home that fit my budget. I have everything I need NOW to win. I choose no gyms, personal trainers, pills or potions, or meal replacement options. Just plain old ancient mind power, exercise & a smaller trough.
Do I have a lot of options to get me where I want to go? Endless. I choose portion control, TurboJam, and maybe to incorporate a water & unsweetened tea only policy. This path suits me personally.
Can I achieve quick wins that are also measurable? Yep, every 30 days, I can weigh myself and bust out the tape measure to tangibly count down my progress...and I am sure to have SOME such progress in 30 days or less.
Is success assured? So long as I eat less & exercise and don't quit, my goal of fitness can't quit on me, so success is guaranteed.
Finally, will hitting this target positively enhance every part of my life? As I covered in this post, I have every reason to believe it will.

And that's the most exciting part of all! As I write this I am getting so wound up...I feel nothing but love for everyone. Just how far will I go once I have gone all the way in pursuit of this ONE THING? Time will tell. So let's keep going people!

See you all on the slimmer side.

FatAss & Push-Ups Don't Mix

2009-08-11T11:09:00.007-05:00

Oh, brother! I just tried to do some plain old push ups to gauge my upper body strength.

Not good...

When I was in better shape I could do 40 push ups in a row without my knees or chest touching the floor.

When I tried just now, I couldn't pull off a single push up without having my knees down. That means the baby in this picture is in better shape than I am!!!

So then I tried doing push ups on my knees.

I could barely do 9. Do I have my work cut out for me or what? How many push ups can you do in a row now either using your knees or not?

My Favorite Thin Girl Fantasy

2009-08-11T08:58:00.006-05:00

Does every fat girl trying to get her body back have what I call "thin girl fantasies"?

You know...little movies you run in your head that star you in possession of your dream body and show you doing all the things you'd love to do as a fit person?

Well, I've got plenty of such fantasies. I'll share all of them before the end of this project comes on June 21, 2010 - I'm sure. Today, I think I should start by confessing by favorite. It'll feel good to put this into words. Knowing my judgmental family won't have to see it.

First, some back-story so this fantasy will make sense to any strangers.

Just before my husband Anthony & I started dating, and a few days before I kicked my loser boyfriend Chris out of my apartment, Anthony introduced me to his best friend, David. David was instantly attracted to me (I was skinny then) and for the next week was asking Anthony to bring me along with him when my future husband was going to visit him.

Anthony, of course, had no clue I was into him and not his friend David. Ug, men!

I was still with Chris, but trying to give Anthony a clue, and meanwhile David was all over me. It was flattering.

One night, we were all at David's apartment watching a movie, The Time Machine. Anthony passed out and David took this chance to try and make his move. I turned him down flat, literally pushed him off of me using a jujitsu technique Anthony had shown me a few weeks before.

But when David stormed off to his room, I started thinking...why not? I'd been with no one but Chris and his gross fantasies for 2 years. I despised Chris, in fact. And Anthony seemed less and less likely to want me for himself. So what the hell?

I joined David in his room, and I must say I rocked his world.

But then the VERY NEXT MORNING, Anthony confesses his own feelings for me! That's the day I came home and kicked Chris out for good & Anthony & I started dating. Meanwhile, David's girlfriend from college moved in with him.

But for the next two years, any time I saw David, he was constantly flirting with me, playing footsies under the table at restaurants, or cornering me alone so he could ask me to sleep with him again. Said he should have been the one with me.

All this stopped about a year into my marriage when David upgraded to a 17 year old girl. Ever since then he has poked fun at me and Anthony for my continued weight gain. Turning things around into expressing relief for how it could have been him stuck with me.

And you know, he's fucking right!!!!

It is so embarassing now, I avoid being seen by him. When we went on a vacation together with him & his girlfriend, she made a point of teasing him for ever having been with someone like me.

Okay, so here's how my favorite thin fantasy goes....

I pull into David's driveway, on the pretense that I'm just there to join Anthony after work. I knock on his door and he pulls it open. The smile on his face evaporates. He's confused, not recognizing me at first. I hear his bitch of a girlfriend asking, "David, who is it?"

I smile big, bat my eyelashes and say, "Hi, David. Long time, no see. Is Anthony still here?"

Then, his confusion turns to shock. His mouth forms a big 'O' of recognition. "LOUISE?!" he cries.

I relish his hungry glance as he swiftly drinks in every detail of my restored & improved appearance: long red hair gleaming as it flutters in the breeze, my green eyes and rosy cheeks and pretty little lips all beautifully magnified with a light application of expert make-up, my all white outfit with a clinging top baring my beautifully sculpted arms and a peek at the uppermost tops of my breasts.

The shirt is also short enough to reveal my flat, muscular stomach and my 23" waist. My skin is soft, smooth and as marble white as before. My short, flouncy white skirt bares my long, lovely shaped legs and my pretty bare feet adorned with nothing but a couple of toe rings and pink nail polish.

Taking all this in, David stammers, "Wow!...Oh, my God...you look amazing!"

I thank him with another smile and give him a big hug so he can wrap his arms around my tiny 122 lb. body. He can feel its strength. He can absorb some of the vital energy just radiating from my healthy, fit body.

As I come inside, his girlfriend comes up to investigate, looking at me with jealous, suspicious eyes. I note with a little inward leap of righteous glee that she's started to pack on about 20 lbs now herself (and she is actually starting to now). Welcome to my former hell, missy!

When I enter the living room, Anthony jumps up (as he always does, even now) to greet me, but you can sense his pride. I bask in the glow of his adoration. As David & his now 22 year old live-in girlfriend watch on, Anthony & I kiss and he rubs my bottom suggestively.

Then, after a quick farewell, Anthony & I leave hand in hand. He's taking me dancing.

That's it. Yes, it is horribly egocentric and even a little mean. I know. But it is my fantasy and a sort of "TAKE THAT, BUTTWIPE!" at David and his girlfriend for being so mean to me when I started getting fat.

This is one of the visions I long to bring into life come the end of this project.

Most Important Reason I Think I Can Change Now

2009-08-10T16:19:00.007-05:00

The most important reason I think I can change my lumpy lard butt now, however, has less to do with the tools, than with the timing.

Since I got laid off in January, I have been lost.

Wanting to get too many things accomplished has meant that nothing's been accomplished in 7 months.

I wanted to: pay off the rest of our debts, finish my degree, get our home thoroughly cleaned from top to bottom so I can feel good about having visitors, get a new job I can work while I build up my own business part time, and get into shape.

All of these things are important, and I started applying effort here and there. But the impact and force of my effort was diluted across too many areas.

No focus = no progress.

There had to be one thing then that I should pick & focus on exclusively until it got accomplished. One thing that, so long as good progress is made on it everyday, I don't need to feel bad if nothing else gets done.

Naturally, I wasted more time trying to determine what that one thing should be. Assuming it was starting & building my own business, that's where I have been putting more effort. The assumption was that having lots more money would help me take care of everything else.

But my progress here has been stymied.

The other day, I was reading a book from a person who I've looked up to for some time. He was stressing how important it is for me to be fit & healthy if I want to attract anything else in my life. He named a dozen household names who all started seeing a change in their fortunes when they finally got serious about their health.

And it just seems to make sense. How can I attract wealth and success with a sick, tired, flabby body? Without being ATTRACT-ive, what good can I bring my way?

I dismissed this at first...then started to think about it in an effort to try & disprove his notion.

This was a very illuminating exercise, let me tell you!!!

Everything in my life, EVERY aspect of it, is hindered in some big or small way by my lack of confidence & energy. And this lack is 100% a direct result of my lack of fitness.

Crystal clarity has arrived. If I can just take control of this ONE PART of my life (which is, coincidentally, the one part I have the most direct control over), I will come to have everything else I desire.

So, only ONE GOAL. Everyday. Listen to my night CD, watch my mind movie, do at least one TurboJam exercise, and concentrate on not eating past full...if these things are done each day, then that day is a success.

Why Do I Think I Can Change Now?

2009-08-10T16:04:00.007-05:00

Why do I think I can change anything now, all of a sudden?

Two reasons: I recognize what my first priority should be, and I finally feel I have all the right tools to help me.

As to the tools, for the past few years I have had a couple of ready-made excuses at hand to keep me from success in trying to get fit.

First, I had no sort of exercise that I could really get into and enjoy. But now I have TurboJam which is a lot of fun to do and a complete, perfect workout routine with a fantastic success record for cases way worse than mine.

Secondly, dieting is just not enough. If I want some firmness & strength, as well as a prolonged life span, then I know I've just got to exercise but I HATE EXERCISE!!! Then, I found this CD I can listen to while I sleep at night that's supposed to reprogram my subconscious until I actually LOVE to exercise.

No idea if it will work, but I just started listening last night. Time will tell. But a friend on Twitter recommended it to me so we'll see.

Thirdly, I have also made something called a Mind Movie that is a little video I'm supposed to watch 2 times a day. This is supposed to help me visualize and therefore start to attract the things I really want. I just finished making it, so again, time will tell. We'll find out together whether or not it works.

How I Became a Fat Ass Frump Girl Continued...

2009-08-10T15:46:00.007-05:00

Then, one day at work, I met the man I would marry.

At the time, we had only just met, and started talking at work as nothing more than friends. But Anthony was love at first sight for me.

Realizing that there could be something better in the world for me, I went home one day and told Chris to get the fuck out.

Boy, was he pissed!

After calling me every ugly name in the book (but nothing I hadn't heard from him before), he moved out. I never ever saw him again & have no idea what he may be up to today, and I don't care.

Three months into our friendship, I started dating Anthony. Anthony, as my mom likes to say, could not have been better if she had picked him herself.

He is attractive, loving, devoted, loyal, hardworking, very intelligent and dynamite in the sack. In fact, he is the only man EVER to give me an orgasm I didn't fake. A feat he's repeated many times in the 6 years we've been married.

What is it about being in love that makes us women so beautiful?

Well, I was getting beautiful again. The weight was dropping off & my energy was soaring. By the time we had our wedding, I felt pretty good about myself. When I got pregnant two months later, this time it was a cause for celebration. This child would be the 1st grandchild for his parents and my mother.

It was not to be. I miscarried at two months. Perhaps, this was a fit punishment for aborting my first child. At any rate, the shit ball has just rolled on ever since.

I got a desk job that I had for almost 5 years before I was laid off. By that time, I was up to 180 lbs. In the 6 months since the lay off, I've gained 14 more lbs.

My husband, being the wonderful man he is, still loves me and says he doesn't care what I look like so long as I make love to him. But I don't. At least not more than 2 times a month.

Doing nothing but sitting on my ass for 5 years, eating mostly restaurant food while letting my groceries rot like my good intentions, not bothering to color or style my hair, neglecting to brush my teeth or shave for weeks at a time, and showering only grudgingly every few days has made me...a gross mess.

I feel so sorry for my husband, Anthony. Guess you probably do, too?

How I Became a Fat Ass Frump Girl

2009-08-10T15:12:00.009-05:00

My story is not unique, really.

Less than 7 years ago I was even hotter than the girl in this picture ---------------->

But I had been raised by a wonderful cook who didn't have the time or feel it was important to teach her brood how to cook for themselves.

Worse than that, at 16 I got a boyfriend who loved to take me out to restaurants ALL the time. So, I got real used to letting other people cook for me & learned to hate cooking myself. Being loved became tied to food being prepared for me by others.

The nail in the coffin, however, came when I turned 18 and moved into my first apartment of my very own. That summer after high school graduation, I met a boy named Chris, who seemed nice enough, loved to cook, had a job & most importantly - his own car!

When he moved in with me, I was 19 and weighed 118 lbs.

But everything began to fall apart.

While he always cooked dinner for us (and that was always something very, very fattening), he was quickly relieved of his job. And then fired from his second. Once I got a job paying more than $21 per hour, he stopped looking for work altogether.

Two years into our relationship, I was coming home to a pile of paper towels around the computer used to catch his ejaculations while he surfed porn all day. Everything I liked, read, or listened to was "stupid" and "retarded." He belittled me incessantly, and treated my family like dirt. They hated him and refused to come around.

Evenings and weekends were spent in the company of his two equally useless, hateful friends while he played D & D til the wee hours of the morning. Then, he'd come to bed and demand I dress and act like the sluts in all his porn clips. But sex is not love. And sex with him made me feel like nothing more than a piece of ass.

Stupidly, I got pregnant. Three months into it Chris was showing zero enthusiasm & no increased inclination for taking on some mature responsibilities. I knew having a child with this man would tie me forever to a loser as unreliable and vulgar as my own father.

The abortion, burned forever in my memory, was the turning point. The turning point for the worst.

Without even realizing it, I started taking on his cynical, angry behavior. I was up to 148 lbs. and always wore black. I was obnoxious, everyone at work hated me. I had 21 credit cards and more than $30,000 in credit card debt.

I was so depressed and had already given up on the future I had once looked forward to in high school. Trying to 'count my blessings' I settled in, accepting that I just couldn't get anything better.

Confession of A Frumpy Fat Ass

2009-08-10T13:57:00.007-05:00

Inspired by the movies Bridget Jones's Diary and Julie & Julia, I've decided to write out my quest toward the most important goal I have to achieve before I can expect to win anywhere else.

Here, like Bridget Jones, I will tell the truth...the WHOLE truth...about my journey from a frumpy, fat ass chunky-dunking ugly girl to a fit, glowing gorgeous goddess who's willing to skinny dip again with anyone, anywhere.

The Challenge:

76 pounds of squishiness, size 16 clothes
41" chest...35.5" waist...47" hips...30" thighs...15" upper arms
bad hair & worse nails
Yucky yellow teeth

.....to be vanquished by June 21, 2010...just in time for next summer.

The Tools:

TurboJam workouts from Beachbody.com
While sleeping, I'll listen to the I Love Exercising Now! CD which is supposed to automatically reprogram my subconscious
Watching my 'Gorgeous Me' Mind Movie every morning & night to help me visualize the end result I'm seeking & burn it into my brain

It has become plain to me, that unless I make a decision to get my beauty back, and pursue this ONE goal with the most single-minded focus, nothing else in any other important area of my life is going to work out for me.

Right now, I avoid family & friends, I loathe sex with my husband, I refuse to buy new clothes and so run around in the same rags I've worn for a couple of years, I'm afraid to apply for jobs being ashamed of the way I look, I blow through so much of our money just eating, eating, eating to wash it all away.

I'm disgusting...and I'm wasting these precious years of my life.

But here now, before I turn 30, I'm prepared to fight to change all that. No more half-assed efforts trying to achieve 6 different goals at once.

My NUMBER 1 priority...my SINGLE GOAL...is to get fit again.

I do this & I just know everything else will start working out for me, too.