Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Back in the Saddle(bags) Again

Here comes a comeback.

So where have I been for the last two years since my last post?

Wish I could say that some truly noble diversion--motherhood, caring for an aged relative, military service overseas, slow but courageous recovery from a debilitating illness--carried me away from my goal to bring sexy back and reclaim my health and happiness in the bargain.


Looks like I suffered another classic case of "the quits." As in, things started going good, really had some momentum going, one really bad day came along where I used none of the tools and performed not one of the healthy new activities I had adopted to carry me to my goal...followed by another...and another. Finally, so disgusted, ashamed, and discouraged I jumped off that high horse I'd been riding so well til then. And I quit.

Don't you just hate that?

Let's be honest. There was no good reason to allow a few days or even a couple of weeks of poor choices to somehow grant me permission to decide I had screwed up the whole thing so bad that beginning again was just too hard a feat to manage. Who was keeping score? Who decided a little backsliding, a few weeks of failing deems the aim a lost cause? Who's voice was that in my head anyway? Well, now I know.

Having now decided that even a couple of YEARS of backsliding makes the goal no less impossible (and certainly no less fact the passion to not stand ashamed before a mirror has never been stronger), I'm getting back in the saddle again. And while, yes, the saddle bags are back (darn it!), I've got a few new tools in those bags (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Unlike before, these tools aren't gadgets or apps or websites or fancy workouts or pills. These tools are more precious and more powerful than anything out there, but you won't find them for sale on the open market. These are the tools that previously eluded me, and not because I was unaware of them. No, I couldn't get them because I belittled and grossly underestimated their value.

Maybe Wisdom truly comes with age. I am 30 years young now, and suddenly I get it.

That voice in my head I was talking about, she was the dream killer. The procrastinating, perfectionistic, controlling, lonely, self-loathing little bully of my lower nature steered my thoughts away from the truth my Higher Self so desperately wanted me to catch on to.

Our lower nature speaks words like "impossible" "too late" "all or nothing" "you can't because" "what will so-and-so think" "just give it up and accept the way things are" "you don't need any help" and so on.

You see, this is the voice of a perfectionist. We perfectionists think very highly of ourselves, that we are somehow above the crowd...but we speak in loser language. We convince ourselves that if we can't be the BEST at something, we shouldn't be bothered to do it. Or if we fudge on even a tiny detail, then the whole thing needs to be scrapped and we must start over. But then starting over is just too damn hard. And Heaven forbid we do something so base as ASK FOR HELP!

So we quit...and move on to something else.

And even when we do finish something, let's face it:

A) We take --like--FOREVER!
B) We suck all the fun out of it.
C) We're not satisfied with the end result anyway!

Like John Acuff says, I needed to MURDER perfectionism.

So what are the tools I picked up to help me kill the dream killer? They are with me now everywhere I go because they are in fact a part of me. I have had them all along, heard of their true power, but like I said before I must have been just too dumb or immature to perceive and respect their power.

We'll talk tools in my next post. For now, the scale says 191.2 lbs, down from 196.4 two weeks ago. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling hopeful and I'm back!

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