Saturday, August 22, 2009

Making Sex a Joy Again: Another Thin Fantasy

WARNING: This post should be read by adults (ages 18 & up) only.

And no, I never ever ever share intimate details like this with people. I'm only doing so here because we have such common names that our friends & family are never likely to stumble upon this & put two & two together.

Also, this blog serves as my 100% totally honest confessional of my thoughts & actions on this journey. What follows represents a MAJOR motivating thin fantasy that is helping increase the likelihood of this project's success. Afterall, if failure means putting never really getting to enjoy any of the following at stake, there are few other things that could motivate me more.

Finally, I know that all of us fatties ponder the glorious new intimate landscapes we'll open for our exploration by ridding ourselves of the junk in our trunks. Don't you dare deny it! Seems no one is ever willing to admit it...especially in the prude capital of the world - the USA!

Well, I am not too prude or too proud to deny how important sex is to me & my relationship with my husband. I am not ashamed to be a lover. I am only ashamed of all the loving I miss out on & deny my so-worthy, so-deserving husband because I didn't love myself enough first to take better care of myself.

Without further ado, these are things I used to enjoy in my love making sessions that I will resurrect when my rump is no longer wider than the wildebeest's (to my husband's sheer delight, I'm sure):

  1. Doing it with the lights on.
  2. Going down on my hubby whilst he is driving on long road trips, which necessitates number 3...
  3. Renting a room at a hotel for an hour long session with hubby so he can finish driving us home in peace. I love the curious looks the staff give me when we check out only 60 minutes after we checked in.
  4. Doing it standing up.
  5. Doing it sitting on the kitchen counters. Can't quite fit comfortably without sliding off now.
  6. In the shower. Nowadays I feel too clumsy & inflexible for such water aerobics.
  7. Going to Victoria's Secret together & trying on absolutely EVERYTHING Anthony asks me to...with a private runway show in the changing room.
  8. Leaving the curtains open when we make love in hotel rooms. Sometimes even standing right in front of the windows.
  9. Wearing those little corsets under my skirts again with girdles & the straps that you fasten to the tops of thigh high stockings...and no panties. Then, going dancing at dark clubs. Makes Anthony nuts & necessitates number 10...
  10. Making love in the car! It's been too long.
  11. Being on top. I am just so ashamed of my belly & and thighs now that I cringe when he requests this. It was my absolute favorite way to make love when we got married.
  12. Playing & tickling & chasing each other around the house whilst naked. It was a blast! He'd start stripping my clothes off & I'd start running away. He'd catch me & tickle me & kiss me & .....
That's all that comes to mind for now.

Just look at all the fun I once had. All the joy & excitement I instilled in my husband's otherwise dull daily life.

Let's face it...

Thin, fit, healthy ladies having better sex...and more often. And more sex means better health & a longer life to boot. Some may deny all this, but I have known a sex life that included all of the above enumerated items. I remember what that was like and how such things compare now as a FatAss.

There is no comparison. Thin wins. End of story.

Can I really turn my back on all this? NO!!!!!!!!!

My life is now. All these opportunities for heavenly pleasure will continue to pass me by if I don't choose myself over food & sitting on my ass. At the very least I have a duty to my husband & our marriage to think about.

So here's to one more TurboJam session.

Anthony...my love...honey, this one's for you.
Read more!

Feeling Pretty--Nevermind!--Feeling Frumpy Again

When will I stop quaking in front of mirrors?

Here's what happened today. You know those sort of days where, even though you KNOW you're still a fat-bottomed girl, but nevertheless you're actually feeling like you really do make the rockin' world go round?

You know what I mean! You're feeling pretty, maybe even a bit slimmer for some reason?

Maybe your jeans are stretched out enough today that you let yourself get the impression that you're losing some weight. Maybe your wonderful hubby gave you some sweet compliments when he rocked your world before you even got to leave the bedroom on a fine Saturday morning.

Well, anyway. That's how I was feeling this morning. Feeling pretty. I mean, afterall, I'm working out, drinking water, and now fit in TWO of the three pairs of pants I couldn't just a few days ago. My hair is freshly colored & Anthony wouldn't stop smooching me this morning and telling me how much he loves me (let's raise a cheer for good husbands everywhere).

I was feeling - as Bridget Jones would say - "like movie screen goddess in manner of Grace Kelly...though ever so slightly less elegant." I felt good.

So I take my brother Joseph out to get his haircut (he's living with us for a bit). We walk into Super Cuts, and I take a seat to wait for him.

Then it happened.

Dead ahead were the shelves where they display all their hair products for sale...but the whole wall behind the shelves was one giant mirror. I blinked.

Is that flaming red-haired, pasty-faced blob in the mirror taking up half a bench...me?

It surely was. Then it all came rushing in. Yes, I may have grown ever-so-slightly smaller from my recent efforts. But just because a ship with no cargo might sit a little higher on the waves, it is still a big ass frickin' ship.

I may fit in my size 16 jeans, but I am STILL 6 pant sizes larger than I should be!

Remembered when I felt superhot & LOVED to look in the mirror. Staring in the mirror was a pleasure & only reconfirmed my suspicions that I was one drop-dead gorgeous babe that any man or woman would be lucky to get their hands on.

Ah! Those days are gone! For now anyways. I forced myself not to look ahead anymore & wished Joseph's haircut would be done already. Boy, I felt so ugly!

As is their habit when one is feeling her ugliest, sexy young men started pouring into the shop to twist the knife. When they looked around & met my eyes, I smiled (a habit), but my smile was not returned.

Trying to pretend I didn't feel a sting when they swiftly looked away & never gave me a second glance, I comforted myself with the thought that maybe these guys were gay anyway. Seems like the one's that take the best care of themselves usually are!

But then I noticed them stealing glances at the sexy, skeletal thin girl cutting my little brother's hair.

No, I knew it was just me. I am NOT pretty anymore. Why should they look twice?

Then later at lunch at Jason's Deli the same thing. No mirrors, but just a feeling of being completely unremarkable...not in the least bit interesting or worth taking notice of.

The girl ordering in front of me was a smoldering hot brunette dressed like a lady, but still in a manner that showed off what she had (and what she had was beautiful to behold, no doubt about it). By the time I got to order, the cashier, another cute guy, was so flustered from his encounter with this beauty, he stammered & kept asking me to repeat what I wanted. He never met my eyes but kept looking all around me after the brunette.

As I sat there, feeling somewhat triumphant that I was drinking water instead of sweet tea, and eating a total of 460 fewer calories of food than usual, this good feeling turned to bitterness. The brunette was leaving and no less than 3 of the men working behind the counter stood at the windows gawking after her. Then they whistled to themselves, smiled & sighed with utter bliss.

Damn it all though, those approving second glances from the opposite sex that I so cherish are on their way back! That's one of the things this Project is all about.

Like Bridget Jones, I say, "I will not be defeated by a bad man & an American stick insect." Though I will not choose Vodka to solace me. I choose TurboJam, water & a delight in not eating everything in sight (well, when it doesn't feel like deprivation).

This Daily Plate site is really, truly helping me take control of my eating. Thanks again to my Twitter friend @thismomsguide.

With this & the other tools by my side, I know it'll be raining men for me again in no time. Men I will relish rejecting (I am married afterall). It will be a guilty sort of pleasure!

For now, I'll swallow this bitter pill of frumpiness today & keep moving forward to feeling pretty again.
Read more!

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Project: Day 9 & 10

Things are REALLY rolling now...and I'm not just talking about my junk in the trunk either.

Push-ups? 16 (still on my knees)

After a disappointing Days 7 & 8, I am back on track. I did the "20 Minute Workout" again on Day 9. Getting the hang of it for sure. Then I saw that the TurboJam "Fat Blaster" workout is meant to burn huge calories in 30 minutes, and so I did it on Day 10.

Now I see why. It is intense high-impact with 8 of what they call "Turbos"...which is the anaerobic part of these aerobic workouts. I think you call this interval training?

Anyway, I have to stop & catch my breath after each Turbo, but I actually got up and hit play again & again til I finished all 30 wanna-step-in-front-of-a-swiftly-moving-bus minutes!!!

And get this...I am ACTUALLY LAUGHING at some points throughout these workouts now!

This has GOT to be the I Love Exercising CD at work! I HATE to work out & I look for ANY excuse to stop or not even start...but not the last two days! I am SOOOOO excited about what this portends for the future of this project.

Is that the death knell tolling for this FatAss? I'm thinking it could be!

Even more uncharacteristic of me, I did this Fat Blaster workout right in front of my little brother.

Even though he was laughing at my ruby red face & wild, uncoordinated flailing...even though he could hear me moaning & cursing while I rested after each Turbo...even though my general lack of fitness was too apparent & my wobbly bits were flopping like mad...I kept going. Indeed, I think what I felt was a sense of pride in myself that I was working out at all.

And I couldn't give a damn who saw. Because I am starting to hold in my mind a perfect image of where my body is headed! This image has got to be the Mind Movie at work.

Time will tell.

Meanwhile, I was guided to this tool at The Daily Plate which I described in this post on Day 10. It is 100% what I wanted to help track my progress...and even better than I imagined. I might also credit the Mind Movie for helping me attract this. The creators say the Mind Movie is a tool with two purposes: to help clearly visualize what you want, and then to help attract all you need to get what you have visualized.

I am feeling so good now (even though I am still on my period). The blues are banished. Maybe I can even drop this ridiculous idea I have that no one will hire me because I have grown so fat & ugly. Anthony really wants me to get a job, especially now that we're talking about moving out of state.

I know I've got a long long long ways to go, but you are all helping me so much on this blog & Twitter & for that I am deeply grateful.

This feeling is what I want for all of you. If you have your own project underway, tell me about it so I can follow you too & lend support.

If you haven't kicked off your project yet, then as we say in TurboJam land:

"BRING IT!!!"
Read more!

Kick Ass New Tool for My Project

A HUGE thank you to my Twitter friend @thismomsguide for bringing this new tool to my attention. Since I think it will be a boon to anyone reading this with similar fitness, weight loss, and getting back to goddess goals, I wanna make sure I quickly mention and describe The Daily Plate.

I believe this is a site founded or maybe just promoted by Lance Armstrong, which makes it instantly cool for me, but it is also the most complete, affordable, fun & easy tool I have found to keep track of everything all in one place.

At the www.TheDailyPlate.com I got the cutsie new weight loss progress bar you can now see displayed at the top of my blog - free of charge.

Also for free, I can track my calorie intake. It calculates how many calories you should consume based on your age, height & weight to lose 1 or 2 lbs per week (your choice). For example, at almost 28 years old, 5'5" tall, starting at 194 lbs, with a goal of losing 2 lbs per week it said I should consume a net of no more than 1479 calories per day.

For a FatAss like me this is much harder than it sounds when one's favorite source of food is Chick-fil-a. But I guess I'll have to get a flipping grip, won't I?

The Daily Plate also has the most awesome database of every type of food from restaurants to organic packaged foods like my Lundberg's Wild Porcini Mushroom Risotto with a complete nutritional profile of each.

When you eat something, you can just search for it in their database, add it, and get an update on how many more calories you may consume to still meet your goal. PLUS, it breaks it all down to show how many grams of fat, carbs, sugars, sodium, protein & cholesterol you've had & compares this to the Recommended Daily Values.

VERY nice.

But then it also lets you track your daily water intake, your daily fitness activities (and subtracts the calories burned from your daily calorie limits), your weight loss goals (and tells you when you should reach your goal), your measurements (neck, hips, chest & waist may be tracked for free - others require gold membership), and your BMI (Body Mass Index...damn it all I AM in the obese category - ug!).

I was getting frustrated that no other tool was complete like this. Even the free tools that came with my TurboJam workouts from Beachbody weren't as complete & easy as this. If something was more complete it was also harder to use. This is easy & makes it fun. I love it.

Finally, nearly all these features are free to use, but if you want, upgrading to gold it is $29.95 for 6 months or else $45 for a year.

So I am using this as of yesterday, August 20th, & I'm so very thankful to have found this so early in my Project.

Thanks again to my wonderful readers for your sage advice & suggestions. Keep them coming!
Read more!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Project: Day 7 & 8

How funny! I taunted Day 7 & 8 in my last progress report, asking them to hit me with their best shot...and they delivered....

My period.

I promised myself total honesty here on this blog since it is not something I'm trying to use to impress anyone, and so now is a test of that.

The truth is that I did not work out at all on days 7 & 8. Though I am strangely not mad at myself like I used to get, nor do I feel like quitting (also a normal reaction when I fall short of perfect execution of my plans).

A little introspection reminds me that I am always depressed the first couple of days of my periods (depressed is a mild description...my pity party on Saturday must have been a prelude to my monthly menstrual-time sob fest). Naturally, these blues make me reluctant to do anything at all but also my first two days are VERY VERY VERY heavy.

This makes me terribly uncomfortable in any activity, least of all jumping all around for TurboJam.

But maybe this is a lame excuse.

In fact, I think I'll do a post soon covering all my lamest excuses. Some of them are hilarious.

At any rate, I'm right back on track today with no bad feelings. That "oh well, keep going" attitude has to be coming from the I Love Exercising CD because it is not normal for me.

Push-ups? 13 (Lame!)

Still doing incredibly well on the water/unsweet tea only and other tricks.

I am so proud to say I can now fit into 1 of the 3 pairs of pants I bought the other day (that I couldn't get zipped before!). Still haven't weighed myself but this alone is the best proof of progress in my opinion.

Also did more research on the restaurant foods I was eating all the time & I am unendingly shocked about how many calories I was unwittingly eating.

***Laughing at how I thought eating a single burger from Sonic with no tots was "being good"...the burger alone had over 600 calories!!!***

Strongly urge any others out there addicted to or depending on restaurants for most of their food to go to the company websites & check out just how many calories YOUR favorite meals have.

My fave places for nutritional sinning & suicide are (or were):

www.chickfila.com
www.sonicdrivein.com
www.jasonsdeli.com
www.whataburger.com
www.tacobell.com

(All the links above should take you straight to the nutrition info pages)

Have had many wonderful comments & advice from readers for which I am so grateful. Keep them coming, and let's keep on moving together people.

Start your own Project. If you do, let me know so I can follow your blog & subscribe to your RSS feed. Anything to keep you motivated.

I believe in you & love you all...who ever you are, where ever you are, and what ever shape you may be in...for now.
Read more!

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Project: Day 5 & 6

Starting to notice some changes now! So excited. Still a FatAss, but other invisible changes are coming my way.

Push-ups? Still just 12 but much easier.

I started the TurboJam "20 Minute Workout" on Saturday and all I can say is---eeek! Feel like the clumsiest, graceless hippo stampeding around my living room sweating & cursing.

I burn with shame, even though there is no one watching, during a part of the workout where I am sort of bouncing up & down. Can you believe my BACK is so fat that even it jiggles up & down with me like my fat rolls on my belly? Didn't even think backs could get fat!

My boobs, of course, move not at all.

Ug, I disgust me. My back is plumper than my chest!

This workout is of course more complex than the "Learn & Burn" but it is a bit like dancing, too. For me, very awkward dancing. I get lost in the moves & find it hard to keep up, but I am making it through the whole 20 minutes before I literally collapse in a smelly, sweaty heap. The instructor in the video, Chalene Johnson, assures me I'll get the hang of it.

That perky, skinny bitch!...Just kidding...sort of. Seriously, she is wonderful. God, I hope she's right about me getting as good as her!

But the real change is definitely in the mental game. My thinking about these workouts seems to be shifting.

For example, I find myself thinking about working out constantly...but in a looking-forward-to-it kind of way. I am still finding excuses to put it off or do no more than the 1 short workout, so the I Love Exercising CD & Mind Movie programs obviously haven't sunk in as deep as the creators promise they will, but I am now starting to wonder.

Especially since when I worked out yesterday, I found myself smiling through it, and really pushing myself in a kind of exciting & show-offish way.

This could all be my imagination or wishful thinking on my part, hoping these things are worth what I paid for them. So for now I still say it is too soon to tell on that count.

Have not weighed myself. I'll wait til the end of the first 30 days, then weigh & measure & post it all in a special area on the sidebar of my blog.

Because of my new eating tricks (I wrote about in this post) I am starting to look forward to that 30 day mark.

I have had only water & unsweet tea today & yesterday. I have left food from every meal! Oh, my God...I just realized I didn't even think much about food at all today.

Day 7 & 8, hit me with your best shot!
Read more!

Water & Fork Tricks to Fight Off the FatAss

Four new water & fork 'tricks' in my bag that are helping me clamp down on my little overeating problem.

Well, not so little anymore.

Yes, damn it, I confess it...I stuff my face every chance I get. When I am hungry or not and always past the point of fullness. Most especially, I have to admit that somewhere along the path from adolescence to adulthood, I became an emotional eater.

Sad? Food. Depressed? Food. Cause to celebrate? Food. Dumped? Food. In love? Food. Lonely? Food. Disappointed? Food. Had a good time in the sack? Food. Had a bad time in the sack? Food. Regretting I ever crawled in the sack at all? Food.

FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOOOOOD!!!

I've found four tricks that I've used the last two days (one recommended by one of you, my precious readers), to help me avoid overeating & to help me become more aware of fullness (because sometimes I feel like I honestly can't tell anymore).

These are the four tricks. If you know others please share:

1. When I THINK I'm feeling hungry, or right before I sit down at mealtimes, I drink a highball glass sized draft of water. Using this, not only am I getting more hydrated, which seems to be helping my energy, but I am actually opting NOT to snack. Or else I am leaving food on my plate again! I haven't acted like that in years!

2. Like a reader urged me, and I promised to consider, I have decided to drink only water & unsweetened tea. After researching the caloric values of my favorite drinks, this one thing alone is shaving almost 1000 CALORIES OFF of my diet. Can't believe I was drinking so much of my weight problem!!! My only exception to this will be for special occasions with family...at least until I get this weight off & teach my body how to eat intelligently again. I suggest you research how many calories you are drinking each day, too.

3. When I am finished eating,
I immediately brush my teeth. When I cannot brush, I swish & gargle water furiously. This, removes most, if not all, of the traces of food left behind in my mouth & teeth. One of the nutrition experts at Beachbody.com said these traces are shown to contribute to further cravings.

4. Finally, my fork trick. When I am at a restaurant where the portions are ridiculously large, but I nevertheless try to give them a 'happy plate' - I used to try just pushing my plate away. All that seemed to mean to my mouth was that I had to reach farther to keep eating. So, hey, I was working my arms, right? Um, well...maybe not.

Anyway, now when I am done, like a child, and to the complete annoyance of the dishwashers I am sure...I play with my food. First, I stick the end of my utensils I hold onto into the remains on my plate. If that doesn't stop me from picking at it with my bare hands before the darn slow ass waiter gets there to take my food fort away, then I smother the remains in ketchup, hot sauce, syrup, wasabi, or red pepper. Whatever's at hand will do.

These are ALL working SO well for me! Some of them are really old common sense advice. But hey, I seem to be short on that lately & could use an infusion of plain old good sense in my life, couldn't you?

Hope these help whoever wishes to try them. Again, please share any other such tricks you employ that might be useful!

Read more!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Some Would Kill to be Only as Fat as I am Now!

On Saturday, I must confess, I savored a brief pity party. Upset that none of my new pants fit, & thinking about all the weight I had to lose, all the water I had to drink, & all the exercise I had to do to get myself where I wanted to be health & fitness-wise...I started to think of how unlucky I am.

How this is going to be so hard for me when it seems so easy to others.

I thought about my MILF of a mother.

I thought of my beautiful best friend from India, Elizabeth, who's sensible ethnic diet & fondness for drinking only water has ensured her a lifetime of possessing her lovely figure.

I thought of how my mother-in-law, in her early 60s, finally decided to get healthy & now looks better than me in her new size 6 body, and keeps foisting her old size 16-22 fat clothes on me. I swear she seems to enjoy the hurt look in my eyes every time she gives me another huge pair of pants. I dread my visits to their house.

Or how all my old co-workers just got their stomachs stapled. And even though I know for a fact this is not the permanent solution the surgeons claim it is (having personally known 2 people who 5 or 7 years later starting gaining it all back again with interest), I still grudge them all the compliments & slender clothes they are getting now because they took the easy way out!!! The cheats! I think the most hateful, resentful things about them when they suggest I do the same.

Mostly, I'm mad & sad with them because for any good thing worthwhile there is no truly easy way to obtain it. Not in a lasting way.

Thank the Creator though that now I have a source of solace & inspiration...and a swift kick in my Fatass...if I get to thinking such things again during this project.

Now when I feel this way I just go over to the success stories section of Team Beachbody. With the TurboJam workout videos, I also got a free membership to this resource which has tons of stories & videos of people telling where they started and how they used various Beachbody workouts to get their new amazing bodies.

What most amazed me though, and finally got me to stop whining, were the stories of girls & guys who'd started out with MUCH MORE weight to lose than I have. One girl was 235 lbs, another 305 lbs, and some guys were well over 300 lbs. I was surprised how many chicks there were that started at 200 plus!

Here I am, being close to 200 at 194 lbs but still not being at that mark or more, & I am whining about all the work ahead of me! Yet here, on this site, are stories of these brave, amazing ladies of all ages who had so much more work to do and yet they did it! Most now enjoy bodies sexier than mine ever was.

Yet they would have LOVED, maybe even KILLED, to have instantly been granted the starting point of a mere 194 lbs that I now enjoy....

I recalled a mentor telling me that one's own situation can always be made to seem wonderful when we compare it to another. He also said I should never think about all I have yet ahead of me to DO in order to reach my goal, but should look always & only at what progress I've already made. To do it the other way will only discourage a person so much, they're likely to quit.

Finally, he said that when things start getting REALLY bad, that just means that real change is finally underway...so don't quit when you start hitting that wall. Keep moving forward. You'll break on through to the other side, and you'll be so thankful you did.

So no more whining, Louise! 194 lbs is a piece of cake. No sweat. Well, maybe a lot of sweat, but not as much as others have had to perspire.

I'm grateful. I'm gonna keep moving forward. If a 305 lb woman can do it, so can I. It's so worth it!
Read more!