Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Project: Day 3 & 4

Can't possibly have fallen off the wagon so soon, could I?

The visits to fitting rooms over the past two days have depressed me just a skotch. Still, I need to be aware of the whole truth if I am to overcome it.

I worked out on Day 3, doing TurboJam "Learn & Burn" again. Think I have the basic moves down now. That means I'll move forward to the "20 Minute Workout" on Day 5 (today).

And since I can't realistically expect to have dropped a pant size from only 2 fifteen minute workouts in 4 days (though it doesn't mean I don't wish I had), I won't even bother to weigh myself. Too big a risk of depressing myself further.

Push-ups? I'm up to 12...though still on my knees. That beats 9!

If the I Love Exercising CD or Mind Movie are working yet, can't say. I have not turned in to the exercise fanatic that the CD most especially promises I will become. In fact, I have been most unenthusiastic about the exercise part of this project (which is why I got the CD and Mind Movie in the first place).

Time will tell if mind power will join my side in this challenge.

As for my diet, I did a little research on Chick-fil-a. Found out the sauce I like has 140 calories versus only 45 calories in the BBQ sauce. Found out the cole slaw and the carrot/raisin salad are actually the worst sides to have (even worse than fries) at around 330-360 calories for the small serving.

The best side? Chicken noodle soup at 150 calories.

And my ultimate weakness, sweet tea, has 130 calories per medium serving. Only 20 calories less than Coca-Cola. Now that is some grossly sweet tea!

Speaking of drinks, I'm so surprised that I'm already getting some most welcome encouragement & advice from readers! Guess my Twitter friend Nevis (@NevisBlack) was right about me getting on Twitter, and I am so grateful.

One reader from Twitter @LittleMissScoop told me to drop sugar. So, I am trying to decide if I am strong enough to commit to a water & unsweetened tea only drinking regimen. If I drop all the cursed sweet tea & soda, I'll probably start slimming much faster...and she says I'll feel better, too.

I'll make my decision on this by the time I post my Day 5 & 6 update. But please, if you have anything to say about this, let me know. Keep the advice & love coming! Trust me, if it helps me, it'll help others & this blog is mostly about helping the most average of FatAss's experience success without surgery, pills or potions.

I wanna prove yet again, that we girls & guys need nothing more than mind power, exercise & smaller portions to win over our bodies.
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Fitting Room Trauma: I'll Just be in the Tub Now...With My Wrists Slit

Tell me. Is there anything worse a fat gal has to endure than entering a fitting room to try on new clothes?

Well, for me there is one thing worse. I'll vent about that tomorrow.

Today is all about fitting room trauma.

The fact that I have basically worn the same 3 pairs of pants & 7 shirts for the last two years is sadly true. Don't be grossed out. I clean the damn things.

But they are all, as you can imagine, getting faded and threadbare. Plus, old clothes totally frumpify a girl.

If I want to get hired by someone & if I want to ease the misery of visiting my in-laws again in two weeks, then I know I've got to show up in newer clothes. So, yesterday and today I
went shopping, hoping to at least pick up a few new pairs of pants & some nice jeans.

Because jeans can flatter every I'm told.

Let's just say after two days of this hell I am not in the state of euphoria that skinny little nymph in the photo is.

Knowing my size 14 jeans were no longer coming close to fitting, I grimly swallowed the truth that I would need to hunt for size 16. Also, maybe some size 14 would still fit if the manufacturers made them to "fit bigger." Or so I rationalized with my tender ego.

Anthony, that darling man of mine, insisted on coming along to help me out. We went to Ross & GoodWill (I refuse to spend more on fat jeans...doing that feels almost like admitting defeat). He is the most patient, helpful & honest shopping buddy. Damn, I'm blessed in at least my marriage!

His instructions were to seek sizes 14 or 16. No black jeans or other colors. Definitely leaning toward pants with cute or funky designs or embroidery of any kind or color. Automatic no on any of the following brands of jeans: Wrangler, Lee, Faded Glory, Chic, Levis 501, or Gloria Vanderbilt. At GoodWill, where the jeans are secondhand, he must confirm there are no holes or stains (especially in the crotch!).

Finally, he had better memorize the sizes I needed, for if he forced me to call them out in the store his demise would be swiftly assured.

My man followed these rules to perfection. In fact, he is so lovely & wonderful, that when he'd hold up a pair of pants & I'd ask him what size they were, he'd say "size 4" or "size 6" we have our private little codes when shopping to spare me my vanity!

Isn't he terrific?

Anyway, I had to try these things on at some point. I trudged into the dressing rooms, cringing with dread. But I did not foresee what unhappiness was actually in store for me.

World...hear now that even size 16 no longer fits!!!!

Hearing me get quiet, Anthony asked what was the matter. "Oh, nothing," I lied, stifling a silent sob.

Turns out, at 194 pounds, I have a size 18 ass. EIGHTEEN! Oh, my God! That once seemed like the most remote possibility. My old roommate was a size 18 & I use to wonder how she got there.

Now I'm here.

Worst of all, I didn't admit any of this to Anthony. Like a coward & a liar, I picked up 3 pairs of size 16 that I had been able to button, but had made my fat thighs look like plump sausages. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

But I marched out of the fitting room with a smile for Anthony.

We purchased them. Three pretty cute jeans...that I can't even wear at the moment. My hope is that if I keep working hard enough & get my food under control then I'll be able to wear them more comfortably in about a month.

Wish me luck.

Meanwhile, I still have nothing to wear for work or to the in-laws. Ug!
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Friday, August 14, 2009

Fat Rolls...Oh How I Loathe Them

Nothing makes me feel so fat as these blasted fat rolls. When I stand up, I feel a fold of fat on either side of my back right in the middle. When I sit down, this fold carries forward to my front, making one long circle of fat right around my middle like a donut.

The back I can ignore usually. At least until someone hugs me...then I become all too aware of it.

But the front of the fat roll is the worst. Feels all sweaty in the creases, as the roll sits like a second pair of boobs just below my actual boobs which makes it look like I have no boobs at all. Guess I've covered that already.

The doppelganger boobs rest over the mother of fat rolls. My hideously squishy, soft jelly bowl tummy. Even when I'm "sucking it in" I still have a little pooch.

It's funny. As the weight was packing on I didn't notice
it much. But all of a sudden I got these folds and rolls! Seemed like they came out of nowhere and made me--undeniably--a for-real fatty.

Looking forward to taking off this damn tire. Just hope the wrinkle forming in the cracks of this fold isn't permanent. Looks like I've got an equator line round my middle.
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Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Project: Day 1 & 2

The Frumpy FatAss project is officially underway now, and let's quickly review any progress for Days 1 & 2. To cut to the chase, I can say "Not much."

If the I Love Exercising CD I am listening to at night while I sleep has started kicking in, I can't tell. If anything, I have less of a desire to exercise but according to the genius who created these programs this is normal.

He says a person might temporarily experience an aggravation of the issue the CD is supposed to fix...this is a sign that our subconscious is starting to accept the new messages and breaking down our old thoughts. Hope he's right but my
friend from Twitter agrees she had the same experience, so that makes me feel better.

Like the CD, can't tell if the Mind Movie is helping me attract better either. It does make it a little easier to visualize what a flat stomach and a small, sexy butt should look like. Guess that's good.

So far, I've completed 1 TurboJam workout, the "Learn & Burn." It could be my imagination but my thighs DO feel firmer today and my stomach muscles ache like hell!

Weight Loss? Actually, GAINED 1 pound. Want to impale myself on a broomstick. Coaches say a little weight gain at first is normal, too, but how does this help my motivation and confidence damn it!?

Only ate at Chick-fil-a once (like that makes it better?) on first day. Need to drink more water and less soda! Duh!

Wish me luck for Days 3 & 4.
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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

No More Cotton Panties!

A TurboJam coach mentioned that cotton panties are somehow unsanitary...that they harbor & encourage the growth of bacteria like some little vaginal petri dish.


Don't know about you but I don't need any more help in that department. But I've never had anything BUT cotton panties as all the women have in my family. Sounds downright un-American not too. Just kidding.

Still, this guy's arguments were compelling (wait a second, am I taking advice on women's undies from a dude? Um, yeah...we won't go there). So what does he tell you to wear instead?

A loincloth...

Ha ha! Gotcha!

No seriously he says you should go with some sort of 'microfiber' type panty.

So I went to Target yesterday. HUNDREDS of cotton panties to choose from, and only about 5 non-cotton, microfiber types.

I got some purple-stripey types and some pink. Slipped on my first pair today...and I ain't going back!

I got the Hanes "Perfect Stretch" Opaque Bikini style. They are similar in feel to pantyhose but stronger...soft as satin...SO breathable. They don't make a line you can see through your pants. it practically feels like I've got nothing on!

But the best part is that these are so flattering even over my recently robust rear (say that 10 times fast). I feel a little sexier and slimmer already...a little more feminine.

Now as to the smelly bacteria, we'll see. Hand wash only...of course!
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Where Have My Boobs Gone?

One benefit of getting fat should be that a more impressive rack comes with it...but not with my luck!

I always had a smaller chest, and I appreciated it. My lovers certainly never complained. Small breasts are perpetually perky. I can't hold a pencil under them but my man can get a handful.

Sure some meanie chicks used to poke fun at my ability to go braless and even then still experience nary a bounce when I walked. But then Kate Hudson & Keira Knightley came along with their stubborn refusal to artificially augment their teensy tits
and I felt vindicated.

Sure my breasts are small, but when the rest of me was small, too, there was no question that I was a fine, mature female specimen with something wonderful under my shirt.

But woe is me! When the rest of my body started getting breasts didn't. When I put my shirt on, the fat around my whole trunk sort of protrudes out all around and as far out as my meager mellons do. So the whole effect is that I am boobless-looking. You can sort of see what I mean in my profile pic.

My boobs are just buried in the surrounding blubber....

There are men who could more easily pass the test for womanhood with their manboobs than I could. Sigh.

Forgive my whining. Just needed to vent...and remind myself of one more thing (or really, two more things) I have to look forward to as my body returns to its former fitness.

My boobs will surely re-appear. And they will be most welcome, and disgustingly flaunted. I promise!
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hiding From My Husband

Nothing about having gotten fat makes me feel worse than my habit of trying to always hide myself from my husband.

Whether I am showering, changing clothes, sitting on the toilet or making love, I just can't bear for him to look at me.

Like this morning when
I decided I had better take a shower now (it having been 3 days...gross, yes, I know).

Getting up a little earlier than usual to try and get my shower in before he takes his own daily morning shower. Yet, today, of course, he gets up a little early, too. Joining me in the bathroom, he wants to shower with me but I have already snatched the shower curtain over me to cover my wobbly bits.

He looked so hurt. Like I don't trust him. He tells me, "Come on, I wanna see my wife."

My Mother says that our husbands are normally blind to such changes in us. That they just look at us and see the same woman they love. However, she says if I keep bringing attention to myself by always trying to hide from him, he will finally start to take note of my changed body...and maybe even start becoming as disgusted with it as I am.

She's probably right. But I am just so embarrassed I can't help it. Already I insist we make love in the dark.

Losing this fear will maybe be the best thing about getting fit again.

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Getting In Shape: Why Its the Perfect Goal?

To me, getting healthy & in shape seems like the most perfect goal for a person to start with for six reasons:

1. Total control of results

2. As cheaply attained (money-wise) as you need it to be

3. Many paths to success to suit every taste

4. Short time required to experience big success

5. Success is assured (so long as you take correct action)

6. Success here will positively impact every other aspect of your life (as I already covered in this post)

Think about it. What are some of the other most common types of goals?

There's career success, retirement, financial freedom, business ownership, finding The One, getting married, having children, buying a house, taking your dream vacation, planning & designing a garden for your home, graduating college, etc....

You get the idea.

With all of these goals, it is most certain that your success is somehow dependent on the actions, thoughts, cooperation, opinions or whims of other people or forces. Sure, you have some control, but there is no other place where we have more power than we do over our very selves.

Secondly, most of these other goals could take YEARS before you taste the fruit of success. And, with many of these goals, you could make all the right moves and still be robbed of success. Many of them require barrels of money. Finally, only a couple of these goals, if attained, are sure to positively elevate every other facet of your life.

Now, I certainly don't mean to imply these goals aren't worth the time & effort. But what if you've never been good at getting anything done...if you feel incapable of finishing what you start...if you are easily discouraged by setbacks or lack of speedy progress?

Well, I am. So I could use a big boost to my self-confidence.

Perhaps it is different for you, but for me, nothing gives me more confidence than achievement. Achieving something worthy & challenging that I had set out to do PROVES I can go one step further & hit some bigger, better target.

So back to the goal of getting healthy & in shape. Let's quickly review all the reasons why it is the perfect goal for me (and others like me) to get started with:

  • Is it worthy & challenging? Most definitely!
  • Would achieving it give me more confidence? Duh, of course! Because I'll feel great about how I look AND about what I was able to achieve.
  • Can I completely control my results? Yes. 100% of my results will be determined only by what foods I choose to put in my body & how I choose to move my body everyday. No one and nothing else is to blame.
  • Can I achieve this on a smaller budget? Yep, since I don't have much spending cash, I've acquired the most effective tools I can use at home that fit my budget. I have everything I need NOW to win. I choose no gyms, personal trainers, pills or potions, or meal replacement options. Just plain old ancient mind power, exercise & a smaller trough.
  • Do I have a lot of options to get me where I want to go? Endless. I choose portion control, TurboJam, and maybe to incorporate a water & unsweetened tea only policy. This path suits me personally.
  • Can I achieve quick wins that are also measurable? Yep, every 30 days, I can weigh myself and bust out the tape measure to tangibly count down my progress...and I am sure to have SOME such progress in 30 days or less.
  • Is success assured? So long as I eat less & exercise and don't quit, my goal of fitness can't quit on me, so success is guaranteed.
  • Finally, will hitting this target positively enhance every part of my life? As I covered in this post, I have every reason to believe it will.

And that's the most exciting part of all! As I write this I am getting so wound up...I feel nothing but love for everyone. Just how far will I go once I have gone all the way in pursuit of this ONE THING? Time will tell. So let's keep going people!

See you all on the slimmer side.

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FatAss & Push-Ups Don't Mix

Oh, brother! I just tried to do some plain old push ups to gauge my upper body strength.

Not good...

When I was in better shape I could do 40 push ups in a row without my knees or chest touching the floor.

When I tried just now, I couldn't pull off a single push up without having my knees down. That means the baby in this picture is in better shape than I am!!!

So then I tried doing push ups on my knees.

I could barely do 9. Do I have my work cut out for me or what? How many push ups can you do in a row now either using your knees or not?
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My Favorite Thin Girl Fantasy

Does every fat girl trying to get her body back have what I call "thin girl fantasies"?

You know...little movies you run in your head that star you in possession of your dream body and show you doing all the things you'd love to do as a fit person?

Well, I've got plenty of such fantasies. I'll share all of them before the end of this project comes on June 21, 2010 - I'm sure. Today, I think I should start by confessing by favorite. It'll feel good to put this into words. Knowing my judgmental family won't have to see it.

First, some back-story so this fantasy will make sense to any strangers.

Just before my husband Anthony & I started dating, and a few days before I kicked my loser boyfriend Chris out of my apartment, Anthony introduced me to his best friend, David. David was instantly attracted to me (I was skinny then) and for the next week was asking Anthony to bring me along with him when my future husband was going to visit him.

Anthony, of course, had no clue I was into him and not his friend David. Ug, men!

I was still with Chris, but trying to give Anthony a clue, and meanwhile David was all over me. It was flattering.

One night, we were all at David's apartment watching a movie, The Time Machine. Anthony passed out and David took this chance to try and make his move. I turned him down flat, literally pushed him off of me using a jujitsu technique Anthony had shown me a few weeks before.

But when David stormed off to his room, I started thinking...why not? I'd been with no one but Chris and his gross fantasies for 2 years. I despised Chris, in fact. And Anthony seemed less and less likely to want me for himself. So what the hell?

I joined David in his room, and I must say I rocked his world.

But then the VERY NEXT MORNING, Anthony confesses his own feelings for me! That's the day I came home and kicked Chris out for good & Anthony & I started dating. Meanwhile, David's girlfriend from college moved in with him.

But for the next two years, any time I saw David, he was constantly flirting with me, playing footsies under the table at restaurants, or cornering me alone so he could ask me to sleep with him again. Said he should have been the one with me.

All this stopped about a year into my marriage when David upgraded to a 17 year old girl. Ever since then he has poked fun at me and Anthony for my continued weight gain. Turning things around into expressing relief for how it could have been him stuck with me.

And you know, he's fucking right!!!!

It is so embarassing now, I avoid being seen by him. When we went on a vacation together with him & his girlfriend, she made a point of teasing him for ever having been with someone like me.

Okay, so here's how my favorite thin fantasy goes....

I pull into David's driveway, on the pretense that I'm just there to join Anthony after work. I knock on his door and he pulls it open. The smile on his face evaporates. He's confused, not recognizing me at first. I hear his bitch of a girlfriend asking, "David, who is it?"

I smile big, bat my eyelashes and say, "Hi, David. Long time, no see. Is Anthony still here?"

Then, his confusion turns to shock. His mouth forms a big 'O' of recognition. "LOUISE?!" he cries.

I relish his hungry glance as he swiftly drinks in every detail of my restored & improved appearance: long red hair gleaming as it flutters in the breeze, my green eyes and rosy cheeks and pretty little lips all beautifully magnified with a light application of expert make-up, my all white outfit with a clinging top baring my beautifully sculpted arms and a peek at the uppermost tops of my breasts.

The shirt is also short enough to reveal my flat, muscular stomach and my 23" waist. My skin is soft, smooth and as marble white as before. My short, flouncy white skirt bares my long, lovely shaped legs and my pretty bare feet adorned with nothing but a couple of toe rings and pink nail polish.

Taking all this in, David stammers, "Wow!...Oh, my look amazing!"

I thank him with another smile and give him a big hug so he can wrap his arms around my tiny 122 lb. body. He can feel its strength. He can absorb some of the vital energy just radiating from my healthy, fit body.

As I come inside, his girlfriend comes up to investigate, looking at me with jealous, suspicious eyes. I note with a little inward leap of righteous glee that she's started to pack on about 20 lbs now herself (and she is actually starting to now). Welcome to my former hell, missy!

When I enter the living room, Anthony jumps up (as he always does, even now) to greet me, but you can sense his pride. I bask in the glow of his adoration. As David & his now 22 year old live-in girlfriend watch on, Anthony & I kiss and he rubs my bottom suggestively.

Then, after a quick farewell, Anthony & I leave hand in hand. He's taking me dancing.

That's it. Yes, it is horribly egocentric and even a little mean. I know. But it is my fantasy and a sort of "TAKE THAT, BUTTWIPE!" at David and his girlfriend for being so mean to me when I started getting fat.

This is one of the visions I long to bring into life come the end of this project.
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Monday, August 10, 2009

Most Important Reason I Think I Can Change Now

The most important reason I think I can change my lumpy lard butt now, however, has less to do with the tools, than with the timing.

Since I got laid off in January, I have been lost.

Wanting to get too many things accomplished has meant that nothing's been accomplished in 7 months.

I wanted to: pay off the rest of our debts, finish my degree, get our home thoroughly cleaned from top to bottom so I can feel good about having visitors, get a new job I can work while I build up my own business part time, and get into shape.

All of these things are important, and I started applying effort here and there. But the impact and force of my effort was diluted across too many areas.

No focus = no progress.

There had to be one thing then that I should pick & focus on exclusively until it got accomplished. One thing that, so long as good progress is made on it everyday, I don't need to feel bad if nothing else gets done.

Naturally, I wasted more time trying to determine what that one thing should be. Assuming it was starting & building my own business, that's where I have been putting more effort. The assumption was that having lots more money would help me take care of everything else.

But my progress here has been stymied.

The other day, I was reading a book from a person who I've looked up to for some time. He was stressing how important it is for me to be fit & healthy if I want to attract anything else in my life. He named a dozen household names who all started seeing a change in their fortunes when they finally got serious about their health.

And it just seems to make sense. How can I attract wealth and success with a sick, tired, flabby body? Without being ATTRACT-ive, what good can I bring my way?

I dismissed this at first...then started to think about it in an effort to try & disprove his notion.

This was a very illuminating exercise, let me tell you!!!

Everything in my life, EVERY aspect of it, is hindered in some big or small way by my lack of confidence & energy. And this lack is 100% a direct result of my lack of fitness.

Crystal clarity has arrived. If I can just take control of this ONE PART of my life (which is, coincidentally, the one part I have the most direct control over), I will come to have everything else I desire.

So, only ONE GOAL. Everyday. Listen to my night CD, watch my mind movie, do at least one TurboJam exercise, and concentrate on not eating past full...if these things are done each day, then that day is a success.

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Why Do I Think I Can Change Now?

Why do I think I can change anything now, all of a sudden?

Two reasons: I recognize what my first priority should be, and I finally feel I have all the right tools to help me.

As to the tools, for the past few years I have had a couple of ready-made excuses at hand to keep me from success in trying to get fit.

First, I had no sort of exercise that I could really get into and enjoy. But now I have TurboJam which is a lot of fun to do and a complete, perfect workout routine with a fantastic success record for cases way worse than mine.

Secondly, dieting is just not enough. If I want some firmness & strength, as well as a prolonged life span, then I know I've just got to exercise but I HATE EXERCISE!!! Then, I found this CD I can listen to while I sleep at night that's supposed to reprogram my subconscious until I actually LOVE to exercise.

No idea if it will work, but I just started listening last night. Time will tell. But a friend on Twitter recommended it to me so we'll see.

Thirdly, I have also made something called a Mind Movie that is a little video I'm supposed to watch 2 times a day. This is supposed to help me visualize and therefore start to attract the things I really want. I just finished making it, so again, time will tell. We'll find out together whether or not it works.

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How I Became a Fat Ass Frump Girl Continued...

Then, one day at work, I met the man I would marry.

At the time, we had only just met, and started talking at work as nothing more than friends. But Anthony was love at first sight for me.

Realizing that there could be something better in the world for me, I went home one day and told Chris to get the fuck out.

Boy, was he pissed!

After calling me every ugly name in the book (but nothing I hadn't heard from him before), he moved out. I never ever saw him again & have no idea what he may be up to today, and I don't care.

Three months into our friendship, I started dating Anthony. Anthony, as my mom likes to say, could not have been better if she had picked him herself.

He is attractive, loving, devoted, loyal, hardworking, very intelligent and dynamite in the sack. In fact, he is the only man EVER to give me an orgasm I didn't fake. A feat he's repeated many times in the 6 years we've been married.

What is it about being in love that makes us women so beautiful?

Well, I was getting beautiful again. The weight was dropping off & my energy was soaring. By the time we had our wedding, I felt pretty good about myself. When I got pregnant two months later, this time it was a cause for celebration. This child would be the 1st grandchild for his parents and my mother.

It was not to be. I miscarried at two months. Perhaps, this was a fit punishment for aborting my first child. At any rate, the shit ball has just rolled on ever since.

I got a desk job that I had for almost 5 years before I was laid off. By that time, I was up to 180 lbs. In the 6 months since the lay off, I've gained 14 more lbs.

My husband, being the wonderful man he is, still loves me and says he doesn't care what I look like so long as I make love to him. But I don't. At least not more than 2 times a month.

Doing nothing but sitting on my ass for 5 years, eating mostly restaurant food while letting my groceries rot like my good intentions, not bothering to color or style my hair, neglecting to brush my teeth or shave for weeks at a time, and showering only grudgingly every few days has made me...a gross mess.

I feel so sorry for my husband, Anthony. Guess you probably do, too?

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How I Became a Fat Ass Frump Girl

My story is not unique, really.

Less than 7 years ago I was even hotter than the girl in this picture

But I had been raised by a wonderful cook who didn't have the time or feel it was important to teach her brood how to cook for themselves.

Worse than that, at 16 I got a boyfriend who loved to take me out to restaurants ALL the time. So, I got real used to letting other people cook for me & learned to hate cooking myself. Being loved became tied to food being prepared for me by others.

The nail in the coffin, however, came when I turned 18 and moved into my first apartment of my very own. That summer after high school graduation, I met a boy named Chris, who seemed nice enough, loved to cook, had a job & most importantly - his own car!

When he moved in with me, I was 19 and weighed 118 lbs.

But everything began to fall apart.

While he always cooked dinner for us (and that was always something very, very fattening), he was quickly relieved of his job. And then fired from his second. Once I got a job paying more than $21 per hour, he stopped looking for work altogether.

Two years into our relationship, I was coming home to a pile of paper towels around the computer used to catch his ejaculations while he surfed porn all day. Everything I liked, read, or listened to was "stupid" and "retarded." He belittled me incessantly, and treated my family like dirt. They hated him and refused to come around.

Evenings and weekends were spent in the company of his two equally useless, hateful friends while he played D & D til the wee hours of the morning. Then, he'd come to bed and demand I dress and act like the sluts in all his porn clips. But sex is not love. And sex with him made me feel like nothing more than a piece of ass.

Stupidly, I got pregnant. Three months into it Chris was showing zero enthusiasm & no increased inclination for taking on some mature responsibilities. I knew having a child with this man would tie me forever to a loser as unreliable and vulgar as my own father.

The abortion, burned forever in my memory, was the turning point. The turning point for the worst.

Without even realizing it, I started taking on his cynical, angry behavior. I was up to 148 lbs. and always wore black. I was obnoxious, everyone at work hated me. I had 21 credit cards and more than $30,000 in credit card debt.

I was so depressed and had already given up on the future I had once looked forward to in high school. Trying to 'count my blessings' I settled in, accepting that I just couldn't get anything better.

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Confession of A Frumpy Fat Ass

Inspired by the movies Bridget Jones's Diary and Julie & Julia, I've decided to write out my quest toward the most important goal I have to achieve before I can expect to win anywhere else.

Here, like Bridget Jones, I will tell the truth...the WHOLE truth...about my journey from a frumpy, fat ass chunky-dunking ugly girl to a fit, glowing gorgeous goddess who's willing to skinny dip again with anyone, anywhere.

The Challenge:
  • 76 pounds of squishiness, size 16 clothes
  • 41" chest...35.5" waist...47" hips...30" thighs...15" upper arms
  • bad hair & worse nails
  • Yucky yellow teeth be vanquished by June 21, 2010...just in time for next summer.

The Tools:
It has become plain to me, that unless I make a decision to get my beauty back, and pursue this ONE goal with the most single-minded focus, nothing else in any other important area of my life is going to work out for me.

Right now, I avoid family & friends, I loathe sex with my husband, I refuse to buy new clothes and so run around in the same rags I've worn for a couple of years, I'm afraid to apply for jobs being ashamed of the way I look, I blow through so much of our money just eating, eating, eating to wash it all away.

I'm disgusting...and I'm wasting these precious years of my life.

But here now, before I turn 30, I'm prepared to fight to change all that. No more half-assed efforts trying to achieve 6 different goals at once.

My NUMBER 1 SINGLE to get fit again.

I do this & I just know everything else will start working out for me, too.

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