Sunday, April 22, 2012

Twice the Smiles

Okay, so maybe double chins are cute on babies, but I had a frustratingly painful reminder yesterday that 190lbs, while less than 196lbs, doesn't disguise the fact that I am still painfully and obviously obese.

(She whines as she bites into a sandwich creme cookie...)

Alright, so maybe I am doing a little stress eating, but at least it's a Whole Foods brand cookie!

Uh-hem.

Grrr! Maybe some of you can understand this, but in recent years--since I became overweight and then officially obese--I have shunned having my photo taken. In fact, I have probably caused myself more shame and embarrassment just from the lengths I'll go to avoid caving in to this cruel request from my friends and family than I do from seeing yet another picture of that fat version of me.

Naw!

Seeing a picture of myself nowadays, in my opinion, is the most hurtful and deflating setback to my efforts. It is such undeniable evidence of what others truly see when they take a gander at this plump goose. Really, there might be some truth to the old tale that "the camera adds 10 pounds." I hope. Or is that just video cameras?

Shucks, anyway, does that even matter? Take away 10 pounds and I can still imagine that people only see a chunky-dunker when they notice me. If they notice me at all.

Alright, alright...so I am breaking my own new rules and being a little mean and unforgiving to myself right now. But this is always what happens after someone forces me into another one of their photo "opportunities". Grumble, grumble.

I'll be chugging along, saying no to bad foods, saying yes to exercise, exchanging the tea and soda for water. Sure, the scale may only be dropping down a pound, maybe two, a week but hey! Down is the key word here. Down is good.

So I'll be feeling pretty good about myself, and since I am starting to notice even the tiniest degrees of change in my curves when I run my hands over them in the shower, I keep thinking any day now someone else will notice, too. They'll be nice enough to say something and I will feel even more sure that I am on the right track.

But seeing a photo of myself has the power to banish all such hopes. I start wondering if what I was noticing was just wishful thinking on my part. If anything I am doing is really working for me. Then, I'll spend a few days doing just what I'm doing now....

...feeling sorry for myself.

Darn my Mother!!!

She is a truly great, great lady and a sweet person. However, when I first started gaining weight, she noticed right away. Out of concern--I am sure there was no malice intended--she began to comment on every little change she noticed each time she saw me again. One time she flat out gasped with despair for my burgeoning body and demanded to know if something major was wrong.

Do you need to talk about anything?

You know how Moms are. Finally, I told her how much she hurt my feelings and tearfully admitted how I was starting to hate coming around her. It made me feel so bad. Could she please keep her comments to herself?

Because she is such a kind,loving soul she was true to her word and the weight gain comments dried up. Then, she switched to the other extreme. Now, it is like she constantly pretends to live in denial that my pants size has changed from 4 to 16 in less than a decade. As in, if any reference at all is made to my size by myself or others, she casually brushes it off.

I don't know what hurts worse. The straightforward, semi-constructive lard litany from my Mom...or her new stock of Mom-ishly pithy mantras such as "you're a beautiful girl, honey" or "you carry it so well." Or the worst and most aggravating of all because I know it is completely untrue and just some cajoling soothing thing people resort to as an attempt at politeness:

"You're just big-boned."

AAAAAAAHHHHHH! I HATE that!

So my Mom and stepdad come to town yesterday to celebrate him completing his PhD in Psychology. Since my little niece is with us, and she has never been, they decide to take us all to the Dallas Zoo (and it is much much better than it was 15 years ago, by the way...I was impressed).

In the midst of petting a happily grunting pig named Zoe, rubbing noses and kissing Allen the goat, and serving as a perch for I don't know how many parrots, I felt more like my old self than I had in a while. A deep kinship with animals and a joy in their presence has always been with me, so being around so many again always carries me back to my happy child hood days in the country.

But then that Mother of mine wants to take a picture of all this. Why? Isn't the one of me french-kissing a calf (accidental), riding an elephant, and carrying in a cat from the woods at camp as a kid not enough to satisfy her need to capture the memorably bizarre moments of her eldest child's life?

Apparently not.

Making her swear to God she would not post these photos anywhere on the internet (where boyfriends past might find them and cease regretting the day they chucked me for some silly reason), I allowed her to subject me to a dozen photos. This was almost okay until, in the car on the way back to their hotel, she insists on making me see them.

Begging her not to show me, and my stepdad the psychotherapist trying to beat her back with sound reasoning as well, she would not be denied and I caught a glimpse of one awful picture.

There was that pretty face--blue eyes with an almond shape, high apple cheekbones, french lips, ethnically charming and aristocratic nose--all set back in some seriously chipmunk like chubby cheeks in a perfectly round face. Below the smile, the dewlap of skin hanging from cheek to cheek we know as a double chin. This was the irrefutably signature feature of someone who is still fat.

I slid my hat down over my face then, feigning a nap...but I sobbed silently under the blessed cover of darkness there.

My sweet hubby was the only one to have an inkling of how I was feeling. I knew when he reached across our sleeping niece in the back seat between us to hold my hand. Thank God! I'd hate to make my Mom feel as horrible as she would if she knew how much I was hurting from this. My stepdad Scott later commented that it never occurs to my mother that other people might not like the pictures she takes of them because she looks good in them all.

She does. She is 48 years young, still a size 4 after 3 kids and 4 depressing marriages. There was a brief time in the middle where she bulked up to 170 pounds right after my little sister died, but that's it. After the very hard life she has endured, she still manages to take good care of herself and stay gorgeous as ever. Men of all ages always look twice at my mom.

So I look at myself now in these zoo pics (she texted them all to us later of course), standing next to my lovely mother. Same pretty face, but the teardrop shape of hers ends in a firmly pointed chin, and the arms are slender and strong beside my own salmon filet sized biceps.

Le sigh. I can see why she worries. Her own mother was paralyzed from strokes in her 30s, and we've lost most of the men in our lives to heart disease. She must be terrified for me.

Well, I ain't quitting just yet. And I know she hasn't really given up on me either. She often says, "when you're happy again, the weight will just come right off." When I stop looking for happiness at the bottom of a soda can, or a pie plate, she's right. The weight does come right off.

The sandwich cremes are put away now. The serving size was two for 120 calories. I stopped at two cookies. And I had them with water. Hey, for a "stress eating" event, I'd say this is major progress!

Thanks Mom, for making me face the facts. I love you.
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My Tax Day Dream


Hey, I promise I'm not planning to use this blog as a forum to push my political agenda, but once a year, in honor of Tax Day, and in support of a great dream to get our tax system back in line with the way our forefathers imagined it, I will post one blatantly obvious request for my readers to find out for themselves what the Fair Tax is and how America could say goodbye to Tax Day forevermore.

If you wanna hate me forever for wishing you could bring home your whole paycheck to your family and not be punished for winning with money, I can live with that. Read more!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Heart & Soul

Heart & soul are the final two secret ingredients I feel I'm smart enough now to give a place in my toolbox.

Heart takes the form of forgiveness, most especially of myself. How many times did I harpoon myself with self-loathing and anger whenever I failed to follow through on being perfect? Many times a day perhaps. No one was harder on me or more cruel to me than myself.

I was completely without compassion for my human failings and imperfections. And any change I wanted to thrust into my routine had to be all or nothing if I wanted it "to work." At least that is what I told myself.

This was all based on the assumption that so many others who had the body I wanted to have must be perfect every day, so why couldn't I? Isn't that silly?

Now that I have finally spent some time around truly healthy people, and read books by fitness icons like Chalene Johnson and Harley Pasternak, and studied magazine interviews of women who have created gorgeous bodies and endless vitality I KNOW that perfection is not a requirement to achieve perfect health. Well duh!

What the heart tells us (and many healthy peeps, too) is that we have to start with a lot of love for ourselves...right now. Just as we are. We need to study our ravaged bodies in the mirror not with disgust, bitterness, guilt and regret...but with compassion. And with hope that we will make things better. And we need to forgive ourselves for putting our bodies into their current condition, and be patient with ourselves as we go about making things right.

I didn't pack on 75 extra pounds over night. So I can't make it all go away overnight either. And I cannot change where I have been, only where I am going. Again, I know most of these thoughts are unoriginal or cliche, but maybe it is because we hear them so often that we tune out the truth in these oh so familiar words.

So I allow my heart to love me right now, because I believe I will only get better and better. Patience flows from here now, too. The heart says, "Hey, what's the rush?" Be good to yourself and forgive forgive forgive. And forget all about that fat person I thought I was. Perfect health is my natural state and my divine birthright. My body wants to get healthy even more than I do, and it will if I will just stop doing the fat habits.

But--ah!--the Soul. What has She to teach me?

Call on others, you are not alone...is one of the Soul's most urgent requests.

The old me, that raving mad perfectionist control freak, absolutely HATED asking for help of any kind for any reason. It felt like weakness, failure, and a mute recognition of inadequacy to seek help from others. I had so distanced myself from my own Creator, I had almost begun to believe I operated independently of Them. Or that I could change anything all by myself.

This is the most telling sign of ignorance.

My soul's rekindling started with a simple private plea for help. I directed it to the room around me in general, but God chose to answer anyway.

Shortly after, I found my dear spiritual teacher, Barbara Y. Martin (author of Change Your Aura, Change Your Life...among others), and like they say--when the student is ready, the teacher appears. I could write whole volumes concerning what I have learned from her in the last 2 years through her books, classes and lectures, but the key thing here is the importance of our connections to others.

What she taught me that I just plain didn't get before is that it is through the people around us that God performs his miracles in our lives to lift us up and lead us forward. Everyone is a potential channel of Her love, health, wisdom, peace & prosperity. And we ourselves are likewise channels for others, though many of us hold back.

So this also means when we choose to cut ourselves off from the help others may offer, what we are doing is cutting ourselves off from God and all the help He is trying to give us. If other people are the channels, and we aren't tuning in to others, how can any blessings come into our lives?

Just think of your job. Is your company or your boss the source of your income? No. God is the source of all our income, but He uses your job as the channel for His prosperity to come to you because that is one channel you gave him to work through when you went out there and applied for the job.

I get it now.

And I have opened myself up again to others. Teammates, classmates, friends, family, sometimes even perfect strangers. I seek their advice and ask for their help. And it is such a blessing to see how much people have to give and all that I have gained just for the asking.

There you have it. These were my lessons and these are my great new tools. Sappy perhaps, and definitely nothing most of us haven't at least heard before, and many more like myself probably thought they already knew it all anyway.

But as Bill quotes Socrates in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, "Wisdom is knowing that you know nothing."
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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Mind Over Matter

My greatest God-given tools that I so ignorantly undervalued and underestimated in my fighting of the flab are Mind, Heart & Soul.

I know, sounds corny perhaps but hear me out.

First, let's talk about the mystical magical "kingdom within" we refer to as our Mind.

I had to change my mental attitude toward health & fitness specifically, and achievement in general. Before, I always thought:


A) things had to be done perfectly or it didn't count,

B) that not losing 10 pounds in 1 week meant the whole fitness thing wouldn't work for me, and

C) that I had to take on 100 changes all at once and go from fat-lazy-couchpotato to vegan-power-fitness-freak all in one day.

What do you think happens when a person tries to completely 180 their routine overnight?


Um - FAILURE!!! Hello!


Screwy mental habits like contemplating the enormity and breadth of a task in terms of how long it would take and how much work the thing would take out of me also had to be uprooted.

We've all heard things like "law of attraction" and "attitude is everything" and "mind over matter" (my husband says, "I don't mind cuz you don't matter"...not to me of course...awful thing to say, but anyway).

However, I thought all such opinions were complete balderdash for naive children, gullible guppies, and lazy wishful thinkers. I am a real go-getter, a doer, I attack a goal with action so why should it matter what my inner monologue sounded like?

Turns out, I had been the naive child. I can't pinpoint exactly where the breakthrough happened for me now. Can't tell you how many self-help books I had read and scorned in the past for mentioning such hocusy-pocusy notions. But a few things did finally beat down the door of my rock-hard skull, opened the windows and let the Light in.

Maybe it was Chalene Johnson and her book PUSH! Maybe it was the "Good Advice" columnist, Gretchen Rubin, from Good Housekeeping Magazine. Perhaps it was a chance conversation with a perfect stranger. The thing was I began to actually hear the sort of things I said to myself and about myself. I began to actually catch the nasty thoughts that before had raced so speedily through my mind I couldn't consciously recognize how mean, dark, pessimistic, critical, and cynical they were. Or how they instantly made me feel...hopeless.

My gosh! It was true! My thoughts were killing me!

So mentally, I've now planted a few new ideas that have yielded a harvest of happy thoughts.

First, the "15 minute rule." Let's say I start thinking about a project like cleaning house or writing something or exercising. Ya know, something that might normally take an hour or more. THE HARDEST PART IS JUST GETTING STARTED!

Instead of getting from go to exhausted just thinking about all the time and effort involved, I give myself permission not to finish. Instead I say, "Okay,just 15 minutes and then I can stop."

15 minutes is no time at all. So I actually set a timer and jump in to the dreaded task. Guess what? So far, I have NEVER stopped when the timer rang. Be it cleaning, writing, working out or whatever...once I got started, momentum carried me forward to completion.

Next, the "be consistent rule." I read this fabulous article by a guy named Iann Legg about the importance of consistent action day-after-day, and boy - he had my number! In one example, he asks you to consider the results of- say-the sun shining every year for 7 months straight followed by 5 months of darkness. Or of brushing your teeth for 8 hours in a single day and then not again for another month.

Would we then still achieve the results we desire from the sun and brushing our teeth? Of course not! It is the same with everything else. A little bit of right action day after day beats a few days of intense right action followed by weeks of nothing. So I catch myself now when my mind starts to tell me I can skip that important but not urgent activity today, and I almost shout aloud "be consistent, Louise!"

Third, the "60 second rule." Got this from Gretchen and it is fabulous. For those little tasks that were so easy to rationalize putting off til later because they took less than a minute to do anyway, this rule is a lifesaver. Because a whole lotta littles add up to...well...a whole lot.

Changing the toilet paper roll, taking out the trash and actually putting it in the dumpster, putting a DVD back in its case and on the shelf, opening a letter and reading or discarding it, replying to a simple email, placing a dish in the dishwasher, snapping a bra together before putting it in the laundry, and so on....

If it takes less than a minute or even just a little over a minute...DO IT NOW! I LOVE this idea, and the mental stress it relieves me of is priceless.

Fourth--and this is a big one--the "envy to admiration rule." This is a disgusting mental disease. Comparing myself to others, seeing they have the body or the career or the house I want and begrudging them the having of it. As if there is anything stopping me--except myself--from having the same things.

A fave quote of mine says "It is easy to covet another's success without envying his labors." Ain't that the truth! Besides, do you ever really want exactly what another person has? Rarely.

But I began to hear the jealous or envious thoughts in my head that I had never even realized I was thinking before...though I would certainly feel their depressing and hope defeating effects. Now, here is another type of wrong thinking I catch, stop, and replace with a new thought of appreciation and admiration.

I give myself permission
to admire the successes of others, remind myself I can have the same, and thank God for the other person's wonderful example. It can be hard, especially when my hubby is having his hair cut by a doting and flirty teenager with the body of a supermodel. But it is amazing how different I start to feel when I switch gears mentally from envy to admiration.

Fifth rule? The "one at a time rule." No more going from slacker to superstar expectations. Instead, I am selecting one new habit at a time to drop or pick up, in order of greatest impact to lowest. For 2 or 3 weeks, I focus on adopting the new change until it feels effortless. If it takes a little longer so be it, but I really go at it every day.

Yes, this means it will take me maybe quite a bit longer to get the hot body I want. But I have so many bad habits getting in the way of that to start with that trying to change them all at once became just that...trying. New perfect routine might last 2 days and then it was total failure...followed by a few more weeks of doing nothing.

This rule is not for everybody. Some people have something forcing them to make drastic changes all at once and it works for them...and I am so very happy for them. For me, my mind refused to juggle 100 changes at once. I would feel confused or overwhelmed. Any little misstep had me telling myself things like "this is too hard." So I like this. It is very easy to focus all my will on one change at a time, and slowly bid farewell to one bad habit at a time.

This leads into my last new mental habit. The "why can't I? rule." Over and over, I began to notice my mind saying something like, "well, I can't do/have/be that because..." One day, I decided to thoroughly examine one such thought when it popped up. Each "I can't because" sprouted another "I can't because" until I chased each excuse down where it could go no further...and you know where it lead me? To a completely irrational belief that I had voluntarily adopted from my parents or misinformed peers or well-meaning friends or plain cultural conditioning!

This has been said a million times, but I had stopped believing it somewhere between elementary and high school graduation: There is NOTHING I can't do! I am blessed to have been born in America in the 1980s outside of the yoke of some harsh cultural standard. I can do just about any (ethical) flipping thing I want, by golly!

The mind truly has such awesome power to redirect our emotions and our lives.
So yeah. This was the major part of my big breakthrough, and the mightiest new tool in my arsenal. Surely most people have already figured this one out, but it was so new to me. And it has really been changing my life these past few months.

But Heart & Soul still cried for my attention...and I think at last I have begun to heed their call.

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Back in the Saddle(bags) Again

Here comes a comeback.

So where have I been for the last two years since my last post?

Wish I could say that some truly noble diversion--motherhood, caring for an aged relative, military service overseas, slow but courageous recovery from a debilitating illness--carried me away from my goal to bring sexy back and reclaim my health and happiness in the bargain.

Nope!

Looks like I suffered another classic case of "the quits." As in, things started going good, really had some momentum going, one really bad day came along where I used none of the tools and performed not one of the healthy new activities I had adopted to carry me to my goal...followed by another...and another. Finally, so disgusted, ashamed, and discouraged I jumped off that high horse I'd been riding so well til then. And I quit.

Don't you just hate that?

Let's be honest. There was no good reason to allow a few days or even a couple of weeks of poor choices to somehow grant me permission to decide I had screwed up the whole thing so bad that beginning again was just too hard a feat to manage. Who was keeping score? Who decided a little backsliding, a few weeks of failing deems the aim a lost cause? Who's voice was that in my head anyway? Well, now I know.

Having now decided that even a couple of YEARS of backsliding makes the goal no less impossible (and certainly no less desirable...in fact the passion to not stand ashamed before a mirror has never been stronger), I'm getting back in the saddle again. And while, yes, the saddle bags are back (darn it!), I've got a few new tools in those bags (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Unlike before, these tools aren't gadgets or apps or websites or fancy workouts or pills. These tools are more precious and more powerful than anything out there, but you won't find them for sale on the open market. These are the tools that previously eluded me, and not because I was unaware of them. No, I couldn't get them because I belittled and grossly underestimated their value.

Maybe Wisdom truly comes with age. I am 30 years young now, and suddenly I get it.

That voice in my head I was talking about, she was the dream killer. The procrastinating, perfectionistic, controlling, lonely, self-loathing little bully of my lower nature steered my thoughts away from the truth my Higher Self so desperately wanted me to catch on to.

Our lower nature speaks words like "impossible" "too late" "all or nothing" "you can't because" "what will so-and-so think" "just give it up and accept the way things are" "you don't need any help" and so on.

You see, this is the voice of a perfectionist. We perfectionists think very highly of ourselves, that we are somehow above the crowd...but we speak in loser language. We convince ourselves that if we can't be the BEST at something, we shouldn't be bothered to do it. Or if we fudge on even a tiny detail, then the whole thing needs to be scrapped and we must start over. But then starting over is just too damn hard. And Heaven forbid we do something so base as ASK FOR HELP!

So we quit...and move on to something else.

And even when we do finish something, let's face it:

A) We take --like--FOREVER!
B) We suck all the fun out of it.
C) We're not satisfied with the end result anyway!

Like John Acuff says, I needed to MURDER perfectionism.

So what are the tools I picked up to help me kill the dream killer? They are with me now everywhere I go because they are in fact a part of me. I have had them all along, heard of their true power, but like I said before I must have been just too dumb or immature to perceive and respect their power.

We'll talk tools in my next post. For now, the scale says 191.2 lbs, down from 196.4 two weeks ago. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling hopeful and I'm back!


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Sunday, December 20, 2009

No, I'm Not Pregnant, Ya Jerk!

It wasn't me--this time--that had to answer this question with a negative. Thank goodness my belly fat has never been poochie enough that anyone ever mistook me for anything but a plain ole porker. But yesterday, I was standing by helping one of the cashiers at Whole Foods bag groceries when it happened.

We'll call her Lynn. Lynn is another one of those girls who's face declares to the world that a true knockout lay buried beneath the fatty coating. But she, like so many of us silly 20s,30s and 40s-something would-be hotties has neglected her temple upkeep...very badly.

In short, she's fat.

At 275 pounds (which she admitted to me after this happened) she is technically "morbidly obese" and she's at the point where there is just too much extra poundage to "carry it well" anymore. Consequently, much of it has gathered around her waist and on her belly. So yesterday, you can feel her humiliation and hurt when a guest asked "When are you due?"

Gasping softly, I held my breath then as Lynn replied "Due for what?"

The inquisitive guest (aka nosy self-esteem shattering twit) looked a little less certain of herself, but opted to persist in her course. "When is your baby due?" she shrilled with a nod toward Lynn's belly for vindication. Her tone said "Like, DUH!"

I looked over as Lynn bowed her head for a moment to hide her eyes--which must have been brimming with shame, anger & hurt--from this tall, leggy & lovely thin blonde and her very handsome companion. Lynn's face was flushing pink fast.

Inside of me, a little sob threatened. I just felt her pain so acutely & wanted to stalk over and shake, slap and generally assault the ninny who just HAD to go there with Lynn.

Finally, Lynn, never looking back up at the girl, informed her she was not pregnant. Nosy Rosy said nothing more than "oh" and asked no further questions.

After the hottie and her boyfriend had left, Lynn went to the restroom for 15 minutes. You and I can probably divine what she was doing there.

Sad as it is, I want to look at this from a more hopeful standpoint.

Maybe this will be the final lash Lynn needs to commit to taking better care of herself. And maybe, once she gets started, taking just little steps at first, she'll keep turning her mind back to the memory of this moment and let it fan her fury to change. That's what I hope...for dear Lynn and for any other poor girl some jerk decides to inflict the same experience on.

Meanwhile, what have we learned? Never, never, never, never, ever ask a chick when she is due to deliver her child OR make any assumptions she is pregnant unless:

a) she tells you she is pregnant,
b) you receive an invitation to her baby shower, or
c) you are witnessing the child actually coming out of her womb.

Any other time and she may just be a bit of a chunky-dunk like me or Lynn and you risk seriously hurting her feelings and looking like a complete jerk.

Understood? Good. Now let's send some thoughts of encouragement and love to the Lynn's out there and wish them a swift escape from the prison of an unhealthy body. And if you're like me (the padded version of yourself) give some of that encouragement and love to yourself, too.

Go on. Give yourself a hug--right now--and say out loud, "I am a naughty & nice gorgeous lady, I love me & I am worth the effort to eat better & move more."

Kisses & hugs!
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Thursday, December 10, 2009

My "Ordinary" Heroines

Hey, we all need other so-called "ordinary" people we can look to who have already achieved what we are in the midst of struggling to do for ourselves. They say "it can be done!"

Here are videos for two such heroes of my own from the Team Beachbody website. Carrie and Amber started their journeys weighing quite a bit more than I. Both of them have released over 100 POUNDS. Carrie (pictured here) is the best proof for me that I CAN be a size 4 again.

Sometimes, when I've been working out & saying no to seconds, but the scale - like today - goes back up a pound instead of down, I feel like screaming and giving up. Now, if the evil suggestion that "it's no use" crosses my mind again and tries to make me believe it is the truth, I'll just come here to my blog, watch Carrie or Amber's videos, and feel an enormous debt of gratitude to them both.

Then, I'll get back to pushing play & bringing it with renewed confidence.

So here are the videos of Carrie and Amber...where ever YOU may be in your mission to get back to skinny-dips, may they dazzle and inflame you as they do me.




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Thursday, December 3, 2009

A Bedroom Celebration

Remember that article I shared with you in this post from www.LIVESTRONG.com about natural breast enhancement coming from push-ups?

If you recall, part of my goal to get fit has included working on my upper body strength until I could do 20 real push ups in a row (in other words, from my toes and not my knees). It took a long while but I have finally made it to 20 real push ups. I have also continued to do 20 additional push ups from my knees every day as described in the article purely in the hopes that I might help get my girls Moo and ChaCha in shape, too.

Well the jury is in, and last night I had the thrill of my life since I started this project (and I guess my hubby did, too). Let's just say, Aphrodite is alive and well in the Wallace bedroom again because I am feeling better about my body every day and my energy and libido are starting to catch on.

So last night I launched the attack myself when Anthony came to bed, and as we're getting frisky he says, like the randiest teenager, "Oh my God, baby, your breasts feel bigger!"

Now he knew NOTHING at all about this push-up thing. And honestly, I can't even be 100% sure that it IS the push-ups that has enhanced my chest. Part of it just may be simply that all the fat around my upper body (you know what I mean, that squishy flab all under your arms that hangs over the top of your bra like dough from a freshly opened can of biscuits?) is melting away...but my boobs - for once - are not disappearing with the rest.

I myself had noted this, and have recently stopped flinching when I caught my image in the mirror.

But whatever it may be, the smile on my face when I heard this was real enough and so were the happy little tears that broke out at the corner of my eyes. This may seem like such a small, silly thing to get emotional about, but this coming from him (along with other comments made throughout the night) mean everything to me.

It was too dark for Anthony to notice the smile or the tears; however, what he did notice was that his wife, for the first time in perhaps 3 years, had the confidence to request he allow her to be on top for a change.

Oh, boy! You could FEEL his smile in the dark!

Girls and boys, isn't this what getting fit and healthy is all about?

Quality of Life.

I don't mean just heaven-transporting sex. When we finally commit to loving ourselves enough to accept that what we choose to put in our mouths and how we choose to move our bodies is TOO DAMN IMPORTANT NOT TO THINK ABOUT AND PLAN FOR...we'll begin showing up again for our own life. You have to ask yourself...what have you been missing?
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Sunday, November 29, 2009

You Look Like Sisters

Once upon a time (ie before I became the bloated babe I am today), when I heard this comment, people were comparing me to the likes of Tori Amos or Kate Winslet. In fact, I attended a Tori Amos concert when I was 19 and kept getting bombarded by other fans who mistook me for the artist we were all there to see.

Like she'd be walking around buying her own concert T-shirts! Get real.

Anyway, my boyfriend at the time was more flattered than I, let me tell you. He strutted around like a peacock with a golden goddess at his side the whole night.

About 3 years later, my own mother-in-law, noticing a pic of Tori Amos on my fridge, exclaimed over what a nice picture that was of me. Might they have a copy to display in their home? Ha! My in-laws were flabbergasted when I informed them that was in fact a picture of one of the most bad-ass piano rockstars in all creation...not me.

But thanks! And that was the last time.

Nowadays, no one compares me to ANYONE at all. It came to me that this was true when some of the people I work with at Whole Foods began to suggest that me and one of the cashiers "look like sisters."

(oh yeah, I quit Jason's Deli by the way and I'm now at Whole Foods...so much more in line with my personality and my goals.)

Anyways, it struck me that it had been ages since I had heard such a comment. And woe is me, how the objects of comparison have changed!

So what is this chick like they're comparing me to?

The only somewhat common features we share are red hair, light eyes, and yes - to my deep regret - a burgeoning backside. Oh, and we're both white. That's it! But even in these parallels we are so dissimilar, in my opinion.

First, her red is a most unnatural dyed red that goes not at all well with her tanned white skin. Secondly, thanks to my weight releasing efforts, I can say with confidence that she is much larger than I am, too, and she has an enormous chest. Finally, her eyes are a pale, flat ice blue and she wears gobs and gobs of makeup.

To me, I am still more alike in appearance to Tori Amos than I am to this coworker, who is the raunchiest sort of girl. So raunchy in fact, I believe that were she fit herself, she'd be a stripper for sure and would blend in nicely in that environment.

Perhaps this sounds harsh and catty, but you haven't met this chick...nor have you seen me when I'm in a healthy shape.

My eyes are a multi-colored blue-green with flecks of gold and a golden brown ring around the pupil (my grandmother called them fairy eyes). My hair is a much more natural-looking red gold that matches my translucent white skin like I was born with it (instead of picking up shade 764 from Revlon, as I do). My face is mostly round with a slight point at the chin and with very prominent blushing cheeks and full lips. For makeup I go with bareescentuals mineral makeup applied lightly. And you've heard me whine about how small my chest is.

All these features I STILL share with Tori Amos (with the exception of the hair as most times she goes for a less natural red dye herself). But what I lost and what she had the fortitude to maintain is my once gloriously fit and healthy body.

Because of this one thing NO ONE sees the rockstar goddess in me anymore. No one looks at me and thinks of Tori. Instead, they think of this gross, dull, tacky-ass chick I work with and say we "look like sisters."

We...LOOK...LIKE...SISTERS.

And while the resemblances between her and I are so far removed, and between Tori and I are still so close, I have to be honest with myself and admit that what people are truly noticing first...is my figure.

If this post sounds sort of bitter and angry...well, I am a little. But I will now shake off this insult to my efforts and the success I've achieved so far and keep moving on. I'm bringing sexy back, baby! It's time to TurboJam.
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Friday, November 20, 2009

Can't Stop Touching Myself!

Oh boy, it is so sad, but it seems I am just one of those women that can get NOTHING else done for MYSELF when I have a job! You know what I mean?

Since I started working again, I have come home, made sure the house was cleaned up and food was served, the cats were taken care of and the plants watered. After this I ache to do nothing more than head for bed.

Obviously, I've neglected my blog here. But I've also neglected my friends and myself. Thank goodness, I am still exercising and losing weight though!!!

In fact, I can't stop touching myself now.

What I mean is that my body is changing and slimming and smoothing out in such deliciously delightful ways...and beginning to feel so foreign to me...but like deja vu too...that I can't stop running my hands over my hips and thighs and stomach every time I hop in the shower or dress. It is like I am having to get reacquainted with a very old friend.

It just feels WEIRD, this healthy and sleeker new body, ya know what I mean? I AM LOVING IT! Coincidentally, so is Anthony who insists I save some strength for him almost every night now. Wow! For the first time in forever, I am cooking in the bedroom regularly.

But I have slacked a little more than I intended too in my eating and exercise routines. My day job is SO physically tiresome, especially for a FatAss who sat onher fatass at a desk job for 5 years.

A lot of days I just take a long walk for my daily exercise instead of TurboJamming. This must be why I am only down to 177 lbs now instead of where I should be which is about 168. But who the hell cares!

The weight IS releasing, and so what if I get to my 118 goal a little later than I could have. The point is...I AM getting there and I am NOT giving up.

Hope you won't either. Lots of love from your friend Louise.
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Friday, September 18, 2009

The Project: Day 31 & 32

It is amazing how much of one's life gets sucked away by even so little as a part time job!

Since I started working and then got sick, I haven't made the time to post anything more than these updates. None of my quirky brainfarts or candid observations. I promise that I am making note of things and have dozens of little roughdraft posts waiting for me to flesh them out.

I'll get those out as soon as I have my new work/fitness/wife/life routine ironed out. For now, here's the latest update on The Frumpy FatAss Project progress.

First, I'd like to begin with a HELL YESSSSSS GIRL!!! to my friend @thismomsguide for 17.6 lbs of weight released in a month with her weightwatchers plan (supplemented by motivational recorded playbacks of The Biggest Loser). Told ya that it didn't matter how much heavier you are when you get started, you just gotta get it going. And the more you have to lose--er, release--the faster it'll drop off, too.

Woohoo! You are the schiz-nit!

And I agree with Coach Jillian that I should switch to using the term of weight released rather than lost...because hell no I don't want these jiggly little bastard fat cells to find their way back to my rump! So RELEASE that weight people, send it away forever!

So how's it been since I got my energy back? Feelin' groovy...and slimmer! My new belt that I could only close on the first hole now closes on the third. That feels good. And I might have got my 2nd & 3rd compliments, but they might not count either...you decide.

Okay, so my very first from my hubby didn't count for the reasons listed here. My 2nd came from my Mom, who said my face looked slimmer, but this only after she saw the GoWearFit armband and I advised her what I was up to with it.

Automatic disqualification just because she's my Mom, right?

The 3rd compliment, I can't say I can really call an official one either. It came from an elderly gentleman customer at Jason's Deli. I said, "I can help the next person" during the lunch rush. He stepped forward and said, "I'm next and you're pretty."

So is that a real compliment? Should that be noted as the true first official recognition of my fitness efforts? I'm thinking not.

First of all, I don't like the word 'pretty' much. I feel it is most often used when someone isn't butt ugly but they aren't worth a second glance either. Its average-ness. And secondly, elderly dudes are always hitting on me because they like my red hair, pale-ass skin, and my rather gorgeous greenish-blue eyes.

I look like the fat, red-headed chick that the Pre-Raphaelite Dante Gabriel Rossetti and his ilk were always painting.

Pretty. Pretty chunky.

Moving on. I'll say I am STILL awaiting the 1st wonderful "oh my god you look amazing" compliment. So there.

Push-ups? FINALLY 20...on my knees. Now, I must work my way to 20 without the aid of my knees. You know...REAL push-ups?

Worked out on both days to the TurboJam "AbJam" and "TurboSculpt" because they are a little less intense aerobically after my week of sloth and sickness. Plus I need to build up some more lean muscle cuz that burns more fat, right?

Been wearing the GoWearFit armband every other day to give my arm a chance to breathe back there. But I now know pretty much how many calories I'll burn on an average workday vs. off days and adjust my food intake accordingly.

Oh, and found out I burn lots more calories during sex than the estimates provided on The Daily Plate (which I'm still faithfully using to track my calorie consumption).

Now, my hubby wants to wear the band next time and see if he burns more calories than I did (78 calories in 20 minutes)...thereby proving that he really does do all the work in the sack. Hope it feels good to be right, babe.

Men...always a competition!

Still listening to the I Love Exercising CD every single night and watching my Mind Movie twice daily and I must say I am pleased. Sleeping better, loving to move more, loving myself more (even between a size 16 and 14) and it seems like everything I want truly is coming my way...just like I knew it would when I started putting my body first.

That's it for the moment. Love you all and hope you're finding a way to BRING IT every day!
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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Project: Day 29 & 30

I'm back!

Sorry for the week-long hiatus. Turns out that the single bite of hubby's soup and sandwich I had got me sick as well. It really just hit me as soon as I had finished posting my last project update, too.

Felt real tired and weak so I went to bed without working out. Then, I started with the same diarrhea Anthony had and finally a fever. Thank goodness no vomiting for me though.

My fever broke at around 9pm on Day 30, but I stayed in bed and slept so I'd have strength for work. And I did make it through work, but with a total lack of enthusiasm whilst moving very slowly for everything.

What would have been days 31 - 35 of this project were spent weakly laying about. Went to bed at 7pm every night. Mind and body felt so completely spent.

On the bright side, I did weigh in and measure on Day 30 and I am delighted to find that I have lost 6 lbs and 7 inches in the last 30 days!!! This is 2 lbs less than my target of 2 lbs per week, but I am still satisfied to find that I am making good progress. Besides, I feel the next 30 days progress will be even better thanks to my GoWearFit Armband which I only got my hands on these last two weeks.

In fact, I can now slip on that 3rd and final pair of new size 14 pants I got a few weeks back, but I can only zip them whilst sucking it all in. So for now, they remain in the closet.

But that first pair, the size 18, is now getting so baggy around the smaller ski slopes of my ass as to look ridiculous. How annoying it is to have to keep 3 different pant sizes around all the time!

In light of my illness and recovery for days 31 - 35, I have decided to count today, Tuesday September 15th, as my official Day 31, and keep the project running forward from here. After all, it's my project and I invoke my female prerogative to make up rules as I go. So suck it if you'd consider this cheating!

Now that's decided, and I finally feel all my energy and well-being has rushed back in to my body, the project will go on. No harm done. Just 6 lbs obliterated!!!

Damn it felt SO GOOD to see the 180s again on that dreaded scale! 170s, lookout! This FatAss is wiggling your way!
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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Project: Day 27 & 28

Hubby got food poisoning on Monday morning from Jason's Deli (don't worry, not from the one I'm working at where neat-freakness is like the store religion).

I should have told him I don't think eating the muffaleta is wise because of the way it is partially prepared hours before you order it (unlike everything else except the soup). But again, I brushed aside my little flashes of intuition as mere paranoia, and let my poor Anthony take the fall for it. Why do I always ignore my premonitions and instincts when I KNOW by now just how right they always are?

So sorry I have not responded to all comments yet like I said I would. Perhaps I'm a liar AND a FatAss? Neah, I know myself better than that! Will get to it by Friday, I am sure.

Anthony's fever finally broke at around 9am this morning (Tuesday, Day 29) and he is eating again. Thank goodness for his strong immune system that made him purge EVERYTHING.

The very 1st time in almost 7 years I have witnessed him throwing up. It scared the hell out of me...little red spots formed all around his eyes. Had never seen them but my binge-drinking little brother said these happen to him when he barfs. Assures me they'll be gone in a few days.

So how did the Project hold out this time when more family drama came my way? Well, I fled to the pantry for my one-bite brownies...and they were no where to be found. Turns out my traitorous little brother had eaten the entire container in one sitting after a fight he had with his girlfriend.

Great! So he's an emotional eater, too?!

Sad to say, I got ugly and whiny as hell. Nuclear explosions at the Wallace household. After the first blasts of my finest harpy-like female fury, stormed off to Sonic for onion rings and a shake for solace.

When the dust finally settled at the end of Day 28, I had eaten 2000 calories and only burned 2581 (not the 1000 deficit target, but still okay). I had skipped working out and spent the whole day indoors, trying to persuade Anthony to drink water and broth and Gatorade. So I had binged...again. Yes, drama=goal undermining. Grr!

On the bright side--if one can call it that--I seem to burn more calories when I'm panicked and stressed out. If only it weren't for the pesky relationship between stress and strokes, I could have made this the perfect workout plan. Freaking out comes so naturally to me!

Day 27, on the other hand, was just peachy-keen. Ate 1597 calories but burned 2533. Completed the TurboJam "Ab Jam" and "TurboSculpt" workouts for muscle strengthening and building, but lower calorie burns.

Just two more days and I get to weigh in and bust out the tape measure to ascertain the first 30 day progress of The Frumpy FatAss Project. Will promise now not to sob or give up if the results from this first round are less than stellar.

ANY loss at all will be a win, right? But if I haven't dropped 8 lbs or more, I'll just chalk this first 30 days up as a tweaking period. After all, I got some of the best tools and ideas from my readers this month, and only just got the final and maybe most vital tool for my arsenal (the GoWearFit armband) less than a week ago.

This all sounds a little like defeatist-speak so I'm gonna stop it now. The first battle was the hardest and is almost over, but the war WILL wage on. Nothing can steal my beauty and health away from me ever again. I won't let that happen. Period.

Love you all and hope you've cultivated your own beauty today. You know you've got it. Just let that inner god or goddess out!
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Monday, September 7, 2009

FatAss Review of GoWearFit Armband (aka BodyBugg)

To get right to the point, I love my new armband from GoWearFit and would not wish to be parted from it for the remainder of this project. In fact, I believe success with this project--for me and my personal situation--depends on having the information I am getting from the BodyBugg.

Why? I had no clue just how few calories I was burning in my normal day-to-day activities. Let me clue you in: less than 1400 calories per 24hr period!

Now pair a 1400 average daily calorie burn with a 3200 average daily calorie consumption and what does that spell?

THE RECIPE FOR PERPETUAL PORTLINESS!!!

When I say 1400 calories, I am not talking about the sort of days I spend now trying to walk a lot and also get in a TurboJam workout. The 1400 or less calorie days were my days of the last 5 years when I held my desk job doing nothing but sleeping, gorging at office grazing parties, driving home, watching a movie and then sleeping again.

Holy cow! No wonder I became a cow!

This also means that even with a 1479 reduced calorie diet (or even a 1200) if I add in only a 300 calorie burn workout every other day, I am going to lose weight VERY slowly...or not at all. Talk about discouraging.

So for me, this BodyBugg was a real eye-opener and worth the $165 sticker price.

Now, I just upload the info on it mid-day after work, find out how much more I need to burn to reach my goal of at least a 1000 calorie deficit, and then set to work getting appropriately busy. Or else I skip the afternoon snack or have only some fruit for dinner.

I like how it counts my steps though this is not that important to me. Also, I like seeing how efficient my sleep is, though this is not too important to me either as resting has never been a challenge for me, I'm happy to report.

For me, it is definitely the calorie burn tracking that makes this so worthwhile. And I think I will go ahead and purchase the wristwatch, too, so I can get a quick idea of where I am at on calorie burn throughout the day without having to upload to a computer.

Oh, and after the second day, I hardly notice it on my arm anymore. But DO NOT wear it in water or for more than 23 hrs at a time! Water will destroy it and nonstop use will ruin your arm.

What I hate about the BodyBugg was getting the damn software installed. Turns out it worked better setting it up with Internet Explorer instead of Firefox.

Also, you'd think they made the armband with only skinny people in mind...not the fat people with Bye-Bye arms (or Bingo arms as my Twitter friend from the UK @LittleMissScoop says!) like mine who might actually be concerned about losing some of their extra padding. I didn't need to tighten it at all, but I did the first time (assuming it would be necessary) and only got a few spider veins on my oxygen starved upper arm for this silly idea.

Finally, their nutrition assessment system just plain sucks. They have next to none of the restaurant foods I like in their database, and adding your own nutrition data requires you write a whole Bible. Thank God you only need use it for the 3 day assessment and then you're done with that. I'll just keep using The Daily Plate to easily track my calorie consumption.

So is it worth it?

IF you have been on a reduced calorie diet AND exercising like me now or in the past, but not seeing much change on the scale (or even experiencing MORE weight gain), then YES, you might benefit from what you'll discover about your personal calorie burning averages.

Like now I know that I burn as many calories sitting at a computer or driving in the car as I do when I'm sleeping! No wonder I was having a harder time keeping weight off in past years...my metabolism has gone MIA on me.

So check out the video on their home page. If you think it is worth trying for yourself, you can use the promo code EMPDISCEEE for a 10% discount. That's the best code I found from an online search. If anyone's got a better one please share!

So GoWearFit has made it on the illustrious Frumpy FatAss Project's Tools List!
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Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Project: Day 25 & 26

Two more days I can be proud of as a reformed FatAss. And I got my first compliment. Sort of. It doesn't really count though because it came from Anthony.

Thanks to the information I am gleaning from this new BodyBugg about my actual calorie burning power and from The Daily Plate about the rather shocking calorie counts found in the foods I love, it seems like the puzzle is complete. Fatty's got a big picture view of why and how she was able to pack on almost 80 pounds in 5 years...and why most of that came within the last 2 years.

I've written a complete and honest review of what I think so far about the GoWearFit armband (BodyBugg) and their online activity manager here. It is less than perfect, but I wouldn't give it up now, and I've explained why in this post.

Activity wise, for Days 25 & 26 I am kicking ass and taking names...at least kicking as high as my wobbly muscles will allow without protest, anyways.

On Day 25, I did the TurboJam FatBlaster workout again. And once again only needed to pause one time. Now, thanks to the BodyBugg I know for a fact that I burn at least 300 calories when I complete this 30 minute long (plus pauses) workout. Not too shabby.

On Day 26, I did not do TurboJam, but I did walk for 1.5 hours around the hood with my hubby. And when I say hood, I mean it.***PERSONAL RANT: This place we live in now--Eagle Crest Apartments--is getting pretty bad. Lots of break ins. Cops coming around all the time. Crappy music blasted from passing cars at all hours of the day & night. And I have personally witnessed 3 drug dealer transactions whilst walking about the block. So, I'll be all too pleased when we finally move to Washington.***

Anyway, I said I could feel my energy growing daily. Well, on Day 26 I experienced one of the more powerful and obvious proofs of this.

My mom is out of town visiting one of her many boyfriends, and so I'm checking in on her doggy, Rufus--a hyper male pit bull--everyday. He loves this arrangement because I spoil him terribly and scratch him real good on those hard to reach places on his back every time we meet.

Another thing I do is play fetch with him. In the past, I'd always just sit on the couch in the living room and throw the toy of the day into the dining room, kitchen or toward the front door. He retrieves it and as he runs back--I swear with a big smile on his face--I clap and say, "Oh, Rufus is such a good boy! What a smart doggy you are Rufus!" Or some other such nonsensical baby talk.

He likes it. And he seems like he could go on with this forever. It always wears me out.

This time, I started our fetch game sitting on the couch as usual. But as Rufus ran back the first time, I felt the urge to stand up and greet him. He was thrilled! I wrestled the toy from him and threw it again. He came bouncing back as I charged him. To his obvious delight, I struggled to pull the toy from his clamped mouth, bouncing all around him in circles until he relinquished.

Without even feeling the lapse of time, we carried on this way for about 30 minutes until HE gave up, panting like a--well, um--like a dog.

According to my BodyBugg, this was my highest calorie burning span of the day. And instead of feeling exhausted, after a 5 hour shift on a busy day at the restaurant, I felt even more energized!

Wonderful!!!

And this is also the night Anthony complimented me. I had my shirt off, getting ready for bed, and he came up for a hug. As he held me, he ran his hands down my back and practically shouted, "Hey, those folds in the middle of your back are gone!"

Yes, they are, so I know he's right, but I say his compliment doesn't count as my first because 1) he knows how hard I am working on this fitness project and since he is "in the know" he is too likely to flatter me as a sneaky form of encouragement (or so my female insanity hormones tell me), and 2) compliments from our husbands and boyfriends NEVER count because they never seem to say that we are anything but beautiful in their eyes anyway. Love--or our delicious feminine witchcraft--blinds them to our bulges. God bless them!

I thanked him and then got in bed. As I lay on my side, however, I made another discovery...my waist MUST be trimmer.
If you are a FatAss like myself, then you know what I mean when I say how you can lay on your side in bed, and the spot that should mark out the smooth dip of your waist is actually more like a series of fatty speedbumps, right? Well, my speedbumps are gone now, replaced by one very shallow valley where the diminishing fat around my waist creases slightly (what I called my equatorial line, you might recall).

So...looking good...feeling good...and eating pretty good, too. Foodwise, Days 25 & 26 were excellent as I burned 2000 calories and 1400 calories respectively more than I ate. Just wonder if it is bad to burn so many more calories? Does anyone know about that? If so, please tell me.

I'm certainly not starving myself. Just trying to eat the less calorie dense options like fruits & veggies...plus I've stopped drinking anything but water.

So other than the brief melancholy brought on by a shopping trip (which I'll have to write about), I am going into my Saturday & Sunday feeling good and thinking that I might even be looking good, too.

By the way, I am trying to respond to all comments left here on my blog, but now that I'm working, I'll be waiting til Mondays (my day off) or Tuesdays. I read every one and I am so grateful for the advice and encouragement. Also, so very very happy to hear of how my fellow FatAsses are taking charge of their own bodies or know what this feels like. Because you know what? Our quality of life must be so intricately woven in with the fitness of our bodies and health. I believe that now completely.

All of my love to you.
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Friday, September 4, 2009

The Project: Day 23 & 24

It's that time again! Wednesday & Thursday turned out only slightly less disciplined than Monday & Tuesday but I've got my really, really good excuses.

Um, yeah.

Okay, okay, there are NO truly good excuses for skipping a workout, but I did on Day 23.

Not going to apologize though & I don't feel too guilty either cuz I just picked right up again on Day 24 with the best execution of the TurboJam "FatBlaster" workout that I've done to date. Remember this is the workout with 8 "Turbos"...4 at a moderate pace and then the same 4 repeated at high intensity.

I was pausing after almost EVERY Turbo on this workout, panting and whining to my hubby that Chalene must want me dead. This time, however, I only paused ONE TIME, right after the first Turbo. Then, my energy finally seemed to start coming from my mind after all, just like Chalene says it does.

Well, now I finally believe her. So what happened on Day 23 that I opted to commit a fattie freedom foobar? Like I said, there really are no good excuses, but this was my 2nd day of work at Jason's Deli and my new employer was merciless!

Of course, I don't wish to disappoint them, so I worked like a slave for 5 hours. Consequently, my new boss said he wishes he had "5 more just like me." In my mind, I wondered if he'd order the skinnier cloned version of the Slave Louise model? Whatever.

Afterwards, I had a million things I needed to stop putting off or had to take care of: driving my little brother to work, finally getting my hubby's degree framed, getting a car charger for his iPhone like he'd asked, groceries, shower, then mountains of laundry (am I the only woman who finds herself to be the lone laundress in a house full of so-called grown ups?).

Anyway, I don't feel too bad about finally coming home and collapsing at 2am because I probably burned plenty of calories just gallivanting all over town.

Foodwise, I did better. Just over my limit on Day 23 & just under on Day 24.

Day 24 was made even more exciting & motivating for me with the first use of my new GoWearFit armband (aka bodybugg). But I'll write a more complete review this Sunday or Monday after I've had a little more time with it to make a judgment.

Speaking of making a judgment on another tool I'm using, I wanted to mention my brother Joseph's recent comment about the program from Think Right Now that I've forced him to use.

Don't know if I mentioned it, but when I ordered the I Love Exercising CD that I've used for this project, I also ordered a Real Self-Esteem Now CD, too (they had a buy 3 get 1 free deal so I also got the Eating for Excellent Health CD).

Obviously, having not a shred of self-esteem at the time, I had intended to use this for myself but opted to start with the Exercise CD first because I had come to the conclusion that just being better looking would solve most of my self-esteem hang-ups.

But my brother is a REAL MESS. While not obese like me, Joseph has too many issues to spell out here. The fact that at 26 he had not worked in a year, had been living with Mom, depending on hand-outs from his bitchy but employed girlfriend, and was now moving in with us basically says it all.

So I made one of the conditions for him to move in with us that he would have to listen to the Real Self Esteem Now CD every night he slept at our place. He grumbled and complained the first couple of nights, then he got a little worse for a day or two (which is supposed to be normal). But then he started changing in subtle small ways this past week.

He's wanting to eat healthier foods, save some of his money, he stopped skipping work, started showering daily. He even started exercising every day. His sense of humor returned and his anger stopped flaring up over every little thing.

That could have just been the effects of living with us as we only ever try to be encouraging and positive. Sometimes we fail, and he's always had a hair-trigger temper, but we're still a lot more reasonable than either Mom or his girlfriend.

Yesterday, however, he totally floored me when I was an hour late getting back from work...and he called me just to see if I was okay! He has NEVER called me--and I mean NEVER--unless he needed a favor. This means he was thinking about others.

Even crazier than that, when I drove him to work today, I was complaining about the 5 hour work day I had ahead of me, and he came back with, "yeah, but isn't it nice to kind of be on a schedule again and have something useful to do?"

Who the hell are you?! My father??? Clearly, this was an alien clone and not my formerly BEYOND LAZY brother.

But the brotherly doppelganger added, "I think this CD is starting to work for me. When Tiffany (his GF) gets all bitchy and jealous with me now, I just don't care. I don't even want to hear it."

"Oh, really?" I replied.

"Yeah. Like last night, I told her to call me back when she was done being a psycho-woman and she freaked. But I didn't get upset or hurt or anything."

Wow! God willing, the CD does really work, and this trend will continue. Then maybe, come June 21st, two lives will have been transformed with the help of these CDs.

Push ups? 19 and a half. Almost made it up again but just couldn't get that 20th. Maybe tomorrow. Wish me luck. First weigh in just 6 days away!
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Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Project: Day 21 & 22

Soooo ready for bed but I wanna get this update posted before the next one is due tomorrow. It is amazing how much a mere 5 hours work at Jason's Deli each of the last three days has taken out of me! Turns out I am lazier than I remembered.

But overall, I am feeling pretty darn good and looking forward to my weigh in on Day 30.

Let's break down Days 21 & 22....

Exercise wise, I can self-righteously proclaim myself a model of fitness fanaticism. On Monday, I did the 45 minute long TurboJam Cardio Party 2 workout. That one is INSANE but I only paused for a couple minutes about 3 times.

There were parts, though, where I was so totally lacking in coordination and grace that I could do nothing more than march in place while Chalene combined 8 different moves in rapid succession. I absolutely hate her when she does that!

However, I did not let this discourage me or use it as an excuse to quit. Perfectionism is slowly fading away. I finished the workout. Nearly killed me, but I did it!


Tuesday, Day 22, I did the FatBlaster workout again...even after an exhausting first day at my new Jason's Deli job. Surprised by how well I have already managed to memorize most of the movements. My execution is still VERY, VERY flawed...but all in good time.

Toward the end, my legs are aching so much from the Turbos that I am forced to workout at a lower intensity. On the bright side, during Tuesday's workout I noticed that my back blubber no longer quakes when I bounce like a pan full of pudding!

As a matter of fact, that blasted fat fold in the center of my back all we fatties love to loathe is so diminished on me now, it no longer folds over completely when I'm standing up like it once did. That feels good, let me tell you.

My new pants are really starting to loosen up around the waist, too. Or else I've stretched them out. Hard one to call!

Foodwise, I did awesome, too, on both days. See! No drama = no pigging out.

Funny how that works.

Stayed just shy of my recommended 1479 calories. But I could not wait to get my GoWearFit armband and start using it to see if I am REALLY burning enough calories to lose 2 lbs per week. Today was my first day to use the armband but I'll write about that in my next Project update.

And finally, after three weeks of consistent use of the I Love Exercising CD & Mind Movies, I have no doubt that these two programs are completely remolding my mind. If they hadn't come with six month and lifetime refund guarantees I might have never tried these things, even as desperate as I had become. But now I feel I won't be asking for my money back...and can only imagine how much better things will continue to get for me.

Where else is all this coming from?....

  • daily increasing energy
  • no excuses attitude on getting exercise
  • respect for my body even as it is now
  • lack of concern for others thoughts about my body
  • frequent desire all of a sudden to take long walks
  • the way I instantly forgive myself if I do miss a workout or eat too many calories and just keep going
  • urge to keep from sitting around doing nothing (not even watching movies!)
  • and the laughter and fun I experienced during these last two workouts and some of the others (freaking WEIRD!)

None of the above behavior is anything like the normal pre-project Louise. Especially not the energy part or the part about not caring what others think about my body. When I started this project just three weeks ago, I was OBSESSED with what other people thought of my looks.

Practically every time someone looked at me and didn't give me that second glance, I almost cried imagining how they must be thinking what a fattie I am. And I was very lethargic. It took every ounce of will power and energy I had to do my daily workout.

But now I only occasionally think about the opinions of others, and then for just a second or two. No need to cry. And even with this very physically demanding job I took on after sitting on my ass for 7 months or so, I am coming home to work out and get EVERYTHING done around the house like I plan to.

However, I still can't fit into that 3rd pair of pants I bought and definitely not even in my old size 14. But it'll happen. Just gotta keep going with this thing. Most definitely still the chunky FatAss, but I'm finally starting to enjoy myself with this thing. Finally starting to believe I can truly reach the goal I've set...without any pills, powders or surgeries.

Mind power, exercise, and portion control might honestly turn out to be all I needed after all.

We'll see, won't we?

Push-ups? 19. Something looking remarkably like muscle is shyly emerging from my arms now. About damn time!
Read more!

Monday, August 31, 2009

FatAss Is "Armed" With New Weapon in the War on Frump

One of my bodacious blog readers from Twitter @ChristinaThomas (she's bodacious, my blog's just black & fat...check out her Blogger profile here but don't hate her cuz she's beautiful ;-P) suggested I try using the armband from www.GoWearFit.com (also called a Body Bug, I think) to help me track exactly how many calories I'm burning each day.

Checked out the video and other information on their site. Decided it could be a helpful supplement to my calorie consumption tracking at The Daily Plate. After all, what if I am burning way fewer calories than they suggest on their site?


This I need to know so as to meet my goal of 2 pounds of blubber bombed per week. Okay, okay. Who am I kidding? I wanna know if I can get away with eating a little more!


I promised that once I got a J-O-B I would buy the armband, and so I did. I got the package for $165 which doesn't include the wristwatch, but I think I can live without that for now. Also, I used the promo code of EMPDISCEEE to get an additional 10% off.

A good thing, too, cuz they gouged me on shipping. Plus, there is a $7 monthly charge to access the online account manager (which you need or the armband is pretty worthless).


If anyone knows a more beneficial $$$ promo code, please share and I'll pass it on here on the blog.

Just arrived today. For that reason, I cannot recommend it to any one else at the moment, having not had the opportunity to work with it yet myself. However, you know I'll keep you posted. If I love it, and feel it made a difference, I'll add it to my list of tools in the sidebar for everyone. Read more!